Cruisin' of a Fallen Angel

castle and walls

2011-07-03T22:55:00.000+08:00

Rapunzel. That's me. Except that, i have a short hair and its not even golden. I'm in my terrace right now, playing with my PC. The city is inviting with its yellow light. And from a far, it looks serene. The hazy air completes the picture. Quite the opposite of what's really happening. The street lamp glows and it hypnotizing.
somewhere out there is my prince. i know he's looking for me. He'll find his way to my little castle and rescue me from this misery.
I know it wont be tonight. I'm in my terrace with my cup of coffee. Waiting in vain. where are you and what struggles you've been through finding my castle?
----
last night, the city lights captured me. So I took a quick shower. Put on a good top. Suddenly, it rained. my friend said, "if there's a will there's a way,"... "good point but i wouldn't be wearing my boots" I replied. "dial-a-cab and drop your ass off here" he commanded! so I obliged.
We went to Penthouse. DJ Elmer was playing. My moves were a bit off. Its been ages since I went out to party. Partly my fault because I let myself become a prisoner of my own room. The music started to warm every single cell of my body up... a beer in my hand and a cigarette on the other. No E for me that night. I wanted to go home sane. That other side of me has been long gone. I don't want him resurrected. I'm a good person now. I think.
---
"where's your prince?"... I replied, "I don't know!" cutting the mojo potato in half. I had been in the dance floor all night.. that made me hungry. "He's somewhere", I continued.
"I think you should date a mason." My friend suggested. Then my eyes went clueless waiting for my friend to finish his statement. He could really see a big question mark on my face so he continued "so that someone can break the walls your creating". I jokingly replied "why not a welder, the walls I've created were made of iron."
---
If you have experience being hurt, your self defence skills increases. why would you let yourself be hurt again?! I'm not even aware of these walls but my friend read me correctly. I don't want to become a porcupine. "Go out! meet more people! drop your pots and pails. gardening is for old people. and learn to know them before you put on your guards. We are not getting any younger so don't waste your time."

---
I'm in my terrace. Its raining again. my cup is empty. no sign of him coming home tonight.

Prodigal Son

2011-06-09T22:12:00.000+08:00

Riding Jeepney makes your mind wander while waiting for your next stop. Today, I passed by my favorite coffee shop. The logo caught my eyes. I was staring at it blankly, hypnotized. Like a moth bedazzled by the burning fire. It was tempting.

From a distance, funny how I could hear the short laughs of the people enjoying their newly brewed coffee. Sealing of business deals and gossiping are some activities in a coffee shop. I used to do both.

At times, I just enjoy being alone. Just me and my warm tall mocha. Wasting time, waiting for the time. Its like my third place already. I may not dare eating out or watch movie by myself, but in my favorite coffee shop, I feel that it’s ok to be alone.

Sip after sip, alternate with puff of Marlboro. Playing with my phone, checking my play list or logging to FB. Scrolling my phonebook list, checking friend who I can bother. And I thought, it’s already fun.

Who would have thought that a 3-n-1 coffee could be more fun? A 5 peso coffee compared to my favorite 160 peso tall mocha?

Before coming to work, just right after dinner, my parents and I enjoy sharing our cup of coffee. Talking about anything like the weather, news, politics, about us – our family. watching a tv show. It took me years to get my parent’s attention. You see, we are a party of 5. Being the fourth am always left out. All of them have left the house and have their own family. I have my parents all by myself. Just like the way I want them before. I love them.

100 days

2011-06-08T22:36:00.000+08:00

100 days of solitude. I like the title though I have not read the book. Just the sound of it seems interesting. I promise to find time to read that book, I will. I'm not sure what I will be writing will be related to that story. I just want to write it. Again, i like the title.

Gas soars as high as $4 per gallon. Driving is not an option for me. Well, I don’t have my car. My car is with my brother. Mom always says the older kid should always gives way. I didn't buy it anyway. I didn’t come from my pocket. It was just a gift from my sister for a job well done. I guess my mom has installed that philosophy to my sister as well. Good grief!

Taxi had been my option. But seems like all the hard-work earn goes to taxi fare. We wouldn’t be working just for the taxi ride would we?

So I'm left with this option - riding Jeepney. I know it’s not cool. Yet, it’s fun perhaps because its been a while and it has been days still. It’s a longer route for me from home to work which makes me think a lot. Looking at the people, staring at their faces tells different stories, some happy some sad, some are in love and some are lonely. So which face do I have?

Looking at them made me feel that I'm just alright. And what I am going through will be temporary. I will make sure it is temporary.

Our clique has this pact, "We may be poor but we have a lifestyle to keep". Now I'm not sure how long I can keep that pact. Totally high-school-ish, I know. Thinking about it, makes me smile. Wow peer pressure, I thought I can only find it through my reading. This lifestyle is killing me. The confession a certified social climber.

Or perhaps it’s only in my mind. There’s nothing wrong with riding a jeepney, yes it’s a status symbol. But hey, the situation now calls for it. It’s hard to admit but I’m taking this bold step at least for 100 days.

To my fellow “kat-kat” I say goodbye for now. Like a worm waiting to become a butterfly. Wish I’m a kid again.. troubles of being an adult.

TMI - Thursday...

2011-03-18T04:31:00.001+08:00

Last week I met Brent. Oh yeah he rang my bell! No matter how I hid the bell inside me, just like in a lion dance, where the lion dancers jump high and low, trying to reach that red envelope. We've tried all positions, damn he's good in pushing. My knees gave in. and I think i left scratch marks on his back when i tried to get a grip.

its the after sex talk that I hate. most of the time, i fix myself, put on my shirt and bade goodbye. Well, with Brent, I was looking forward for a second round. so I stayed. then he started talking... how are you and all the blah blah... I tried to pay attention to him without him noticing that my knees were shaken. and then he asked.

Brent: How much did you lose weight?
Me: huh? why ask, I mean, how did you know that I used to be big?
Brent: butt cheeks... stretch marks?!?
Me: %^*&*...

I turned red, then purple... can I be dead?.. or can someone just shoot me... Imagine it was semi dark and yet he still noticed those fine lines? Arrrgghhh....

You know how some guys, say I love you or I care for you or even I like you after he cum... Surely this guy has full of surprises. 1st his package is surprsingly big, ironic to his body type, now stretch marks comment... then this...

He was about to cum, I could see it in his face... his pushing became more intense.. then finally... did you know what he said... "Good job!" and I just went... "what?"... he grabbed his wallet and gave me 500 peso bill...

At the back of my mind... like, what the F?! is he tripping or what? oh well at least i got fun and paid at the same time...

I ask the question and my sister said NO

2011-02-28T13:26:00.000+08:00

(i just got this pic online. this is not mine. anyone can claim it, just post soemthing and I'l delete it. thanks)

my mom' greatest fear!

I don't have the courage to confront her.

she might die of heart attack and they will blame me.

so I ask my sister...

even if he's a doctor, a lawyer

a manager earning 3x what i'm earning now?

with SUV?

and my sister simply replied with NO.

I'm mostly obedient especially when

my sister gives me round trip tickets

when that time comes

i hope I don't have to choose.

(this is not a poem)

the day I said enough!

2011-02-26T07:49:00.001+08:00

I know I promised myself to stop being whiny but somehow writing it here helps... makes me feel good after... So let me just vent because I attempted to talk to my best friend and he just laughed at me...

I hate my government more today... I hate them because I pay my taxes on time and I declare the exact amount... but what i get in return... delayed services! they suck! They let you wait for nothing...

I went to DFA to renew my passport. I paid extra to have it rushed. I was too excited to celebrate my bday somewhere... but i got more stress... on top of the stress that i'l be turning big fat three ohhh. Initially they said it will be released March 2. Mind you I filed it Feb 8... and they claimed its rush service... so how long would a normal service takes? Do the math.

too excited to get on that plane.. I bought a ticket and scheduled it March 9. When I called DFA, department of fucking agency, I was told my passport wont be released until March 15. I told the receptionist that my flight is scheduled on the 9th. And she stupidly replied.. try making a follow up on the 11th? Are you fucking kidding me? Did she even hear what i said? The tickets were not inexpensive. Now I have to re-booked it. DFA did not even offered a refund of the rush fee they charged..

my best friend laughed about my experience. earlier, I arrived 9 minutes passed my schedule at work. I end the day submitting my resignation letter!

surprise.. I will be soon jobless... Why wont people just fuck me sideways!

SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW, SOMETHING BORROWED, SOMETHING BLUE

2011-02-19T07:43:00.000+08:00

Pussy cat, pussy cat, where have you been? I've been to... I've been to... I've been whoring...

Chinese New year, All Souls Day a.k.a. Valentines Day, Death Anniversary the day I met my ex... it was like all the stars aligned and ready to hit you and eat you alive.. what am i talking about.. blah blah. There had been a lot of holidays to celebrate.. a good reason to whore and be grateful... to get drunk and get laid... I wont get pregnant anyway.

that is something old. something new, I learned to use rubber!

"Something Borrowed is to represent to the bride that friends and family will be there for her on the special day and in the future when help is needed."

Somehow I misunderstood the line above. I took it literally, I borrowed by friend's boyfriend last valentine's day. Silly you Billy! of course without him knowing.. but wouldn't it be more fun if it was the three of us? Let me suggest that, when they get sour. Of course I wont keep the boyfriend, there's a reason why I termed it borrowed. of course I will be there to share my shoulder to a friend in need... and suggest manajatua..cool. then, we went to the cemetery and light a candle for our souls. after all, valentines day is also known as all souls day.

while the world was painted red last week... there was something blue. my face turned blue. poison... karma! if you give bull someone will give you shit! while puking my intestine out.. we'll I'm sure my toilet bowl was clean... I promise I wont drink tequila again...

are you kidding me?

his Confession

2011-01-18T22:29:00.000+08:00

"I already have my round trip tickets" I announced to my college buddies. This May we'll be going to Cagayan for a wedding. I booked it as early as now to get a cheaper seat of course. One of my college buddies decided to commit suicide and tie the knot to his long time girlfriend. I think they have been together since college and that was like eons ago... I'm a little excited because I've never been to Cagayan. I want to try the white water rafting that they are sooo proud of. I heard their food too are great.

Another couple is supposed to get married this year. Unfortunately they were not able to level up their love to the next level, they broke up three years ago. I received a text message from the girl, she said "we're done! it's not happening". They were one of the sweetest couples back in college. sitting at the back portion of the cafeteria. duo study in the library. they were the "it" couple. Who would have thought, while scanning our yearbook, they'd break up. They were inseparable.

You see both of them were my friends. its difficult being caught in the crossfire. I kept an open mind on the situation on both parties. I could never be bias to anyone.

Just the other day, after three long years, the guy showed up to us. Quite long enough time already to settle all the sediments that caused the pain of being broken hearted and all. The guy is actually always here for Sinulog, its just this year that he decided to show up. it was not that awkward really, it was just like before, only they were on the opposite side of the table. They have moved on.

after the dinner, the girl with the new boyfriend went home. while the rest of the boys went for a drink. In Vino Veritas. Truly, the guy started to open up what happened. I didn't ask really. It would be rude of me, you see I'm not nosy. I admire him sharing it to me. Yes he recognized that girl and I were more close. (we've been classmates since from first year to fifth year). but he continued his story anyway...

you see, both their families have accepted each other already. according to the boy, the girl is all he is looking for as his wife. but no matter how he tried, he "couldn't bring his love to the next level". he said he didn't fall out of love... he just couldn't intensify his love... he didn't want to cheat. he was just being honest..blah.. blah.. blah.. in the middle of his sentence I was lost... hearing the first line brought me to a different space in time... I recalled, it was the same reason Mr Big said to me.. now i understood him, actually both of them...and his reasoning. either Mr Big did not explain it well to me, or I refused to listen.. but now i get it.. its just sad. not all love story has happy ending... in an intstant everything can change.

SOS

2011-01-13T22:32:00.000+08:00

Earlier today i received a text message from my best friend. it read SOS. too bad i received it late. told him i cant bring my phone inside the production floor as my reply. actually, i dont check my phone often even when I'm on break. i think I'm used to the idea that no one really cares... hehehe so no one sends me an SMS.. there I said it... or perhaps the fact that its night time and majority are asleep... and in the morning they are sooo considerate they wont bother me because they know I am asleep. ok enough justification... well, even globe stopped sending me spams. I'm not even familiar with my own ring tone. I cant recognize when in rings. I thought, I think I bought a very expensive alarm clock.

anyway, back to my friend. so I pressed send button and instantaneously my phone rang. wow! that fast? observing my friend when he uses his phone, his fingers were too fast.. he is a text freak. his fingers manage to find the buttons even with a blindfold. and I can even barely understand when some sentences are shorten. Aanyway, I answered the phone, " Bonjour, what's the emergency?"

To make the story short, my best friend and his boyfriend had a fight. they are office mates. my bestfriend couldn't stand seeing the boyfriend in the office.  he sent the SOS because he wanted to ask me for a coffee break. Our offices are just 10 minutes away from the nearest Starbucks.

What caused the fight? he found out that his boyfriend has an account in planet romeo. well, the boyfriend restrained my best friend to create an account in facebook. In facebook? who doesn't have a facebook?!!

ending... they are in an open relationship.  my best friend told the boyfriend, "Maybe, you want to explore... I give you the time and this opportunity" Fair enough I guess, they have been together for 6 years now...

"Darling, we cant prove that he has been fucking around, maybe meeting, ok fine... its given" I said to him. Then I told my best friend you created this rule as your ticket to cheat without the guilt! Remember that you've been cheating too! So don't be too mad...

the moral of the story is its safe to be single....

and I like this line.. it not really related... but to some point only...

and to quote Cheryl "you’ll avoid falling in love at all because the idea of being broken again is far worst than being alone"

this made my day... lol

2011-01-06T07:03:00.000+08:00

Easy there,

Mr Testosterone ---

You can

be replaced

by a zucchini.

what have i done last year, eh?

2011-01-04T01:04:00.000+08:00

I heard from a DJ one afternoon his point of view about new year's resolution and all... New year's resolution is supposed to be fun... like if you're all too serious about your job... then learn to keep it cool the next year... like be more out going... with that approach... somehow most resolutions will happen... rather than saying "I will be good next year"... 80% you wont be! Let's admit it.. we like to be bad!

Well, I don't do new year's resolution... what I have is to-do-list. Looking back, out of my 5 things... I have achieved at least 3. not bad i think.. it was a tough year for me... recovering from my finances for being alcoholic biatch! kidding! I have completed my room... not really completed... needs more fixtures and all... but at least I can sleep well now. Two months ago we moved to a new house... I kinda spent fortune to make my room a better place to sleep during morning...

Secondly, my team became the top team for 3 consecutive months... I'm proud.. I have proven myself that I can lead! 15 different personalities, I found their common interest and drove them to one goal. Imagine when they start crying-out like babies... its chaos! but they'll shut up when they see me, up from my desk, approaching them, one brow higher than usual... but I love them...

lastly, I got my baby! I like iPhone but my bb works just fine.. I've been wanting to change my phone. My best friend said "there are only 3 types of phone in the world, an iPhone, a blackberry and others" while glancing at my phone with devilish smile. He couldn't stand my phone.. he said it doesn't fit my status. Well, he gave me a a blackberry 9800 series.

I lost weight mid-year last year from 160lb to 130lb, I couldn't seem to reach 125lb which is my ideal weight.. it stopped at 130lb... but since because of the loooong holiday.. I gained again back to 140lb. I'm like an inflatable, I can gain and lose weight easily. starving season is here.. need to achieve that 125lb for the summer... so I can visit Boracay.. I promised myself I will not visit that island not until I'm physically ready.. I need to be size zero. heheheh

the last in my list, the love department. How can I manage 15 people yet fail to manage one relationship! well, I have not found the person who is patient enough. either they can't stand my shopping exercise, being alcoholic biatch, being a Pisces it's our nature to be extreemely jealous! Anyways, I like guys that can make me shut up, who has stronger personality, I must be the one who loves more. with a car is a plus but not required!

for this year... see my next post

celebrating love this Christmas

2010-12-28T22:24:00.001+08:00

Some people can't live without partners. I know some friends.. they really go gaga if they don't have boyfriends. When they change partners, it's like changing diapers. no kidding! i mean that soon?!.. Sometimes it made me asked them if what they feel is true love or is it just for the heck of it. Funny! but for me I wont settle for any less...

I guess, that's why I'm still single, eh?! I mean there's nothing wrong with being single. Only holidays makes it bad. This Christmas, just like any other christmas, I have survived! It was tough but I made my way out the next day.

These past years, we dont celebrate christmas anymore. That makes it worse. You see, I'm the only one left with my parents. My sisters are in Canada, my brothers have their own famly already. Christmas eve in our house is just any ordinary day. Except for the poor tree in front of us this year, its dimly lighted with red, green and yellow bulbs!

I just figured how ironic, you see, its just the three of us, my mom, dad and me, yet we transfered to a bigger house. My mom said, what if your brothers and sister will come home? Where will they stay... Mom always has a point... Makes it more lonely actually. Although partly, I like it because I can sleep in the morning better. It's also a perfect place for emo mood. Its quite elevated and from my terrace, I can see the city. actually, quite romantic... its too quiet that sometimes the sound of silence is sooo deafening.. it makes you crazy.... if things get worse, jumping is an option for suicide.

Surprisingly, this Christmas is different. My cousin Janice arrived from Hongkong with her husband. Oh yeah she knows what I want. She brought Feigling. It's a vodka in small shot bottles and we alternate it with a super dry italian white wine. Perfect with our roast chicken. My brothers with their families visited us too. I'm not really a fan with kids but they behaved well... they even tag their dog along... eewwww... but it was a fun. It felt like I was a kid again. Now, that's Christmas, right?! Spending with people you love most.

The next day, I received a bag of chocolates... not just a small pouch but really a BAG of Cadbury and Lindt.. yum-yum.. I can't imagine how many calories that would cost me! its Christmas sooo I gave in. My cousin Joy from New Zealand opened the door and greeted me... wow! I've had soo many surprises for the past two days... I love my cousins.. they really know what i want... I know my sisters couldn't make it this Christmas, I have send them my greetings already! Nevertheless, the joy that I felt, you know that feeling, it was taken from you.. then you have it again... then you really miss so much.. you dont want to let go of that feeling... you linger on it... but you know it will be over soon... then you'll be back to your old self..

On a serious note, people see me as walking shopping bag... shopping helps sometimes.. its a therapy... but what I really want the most and appreciate the most, is the feeling of security... there are people who loves you.. and they are called your FAMILY. I'm blessed and that's the best gift i received this year and I'm grateful.

see I dont need a boyfriend!

User-Friendly Friend

2010-12-17T22:47:00.001+08:00

"Friends are there for you when you are sad...but Best Friends already have a shovel to bury the loser that made you cry"

For most of my friends, that’s how we define our friendship. We don't often see each other but when someone gives a ring, you know it’s an emergency. Something must be up, either a good news or not so good news.

Fast forward... Stan and I hang out a lot; we share the same interest, which is coffee. During weekends, like in the lazy afternoons, we stay at the nearest Starbucks burning our lungs out with Marlboro lights and a cup of coffee on the other hand. He always has his drip while I have my cafe mocha. Sometimes, we do that after shopping bags of clothes, shoes and some stuff...

Fast Forward... He found the love of his life, Dave. They are all crazy together. They are showy most of the time, which makes me puke. Seriously, I'm happy for them. While I, have my reasons why I decided to stay single. Other than the fact that no one is interested yet.. ..hahaha... I'm just playing in the safe side. I have become a scared-y cat. Rejection seems traumatic. (a round of applause for those who can relate)

Fast Forward… Things have changed between Stan and Dave. Dave started to be cold while Stan has become insecure. Just to keep Stan sane, I gave him reasons and possibilities and all the good what ifs and maybes. “What if he is just sleeping or maybe his phone is off because he’s bat is empty. Or simply he left his phone. He couldn’t be seeing someone else! Will you stop with that thought, you are just making your own problem”

His insecurities have eaten him alive. To make thing worse, he went to see his ex for a quick sex fix. What a wrong move! That is the problem I told him. Dave is not to blame. Remember, thinkers are doers!

Fast Forward… Then I met Paul. Paul is a good guy. They are friends with Dave. We started hanging out. Yes, I like him. But I know he is just not the right guy for me. I do care a little. But I know myself better now; so we remained friends.

Stan is still crazy about Dave. He invites Paul for dinner just to ask the whereabouts of Dave. Crazy huh?! (I shouldn’t be jealous because Paul and I are just friends but its more than that)

Stan has history of doing that. I heard other people talk. People say he is manipulative selfish bitch. He goes his way just to get what he wants. Well, we are friends so I just ignore them and I think that is just normal.

Too bad because Stan has proven himself to me what other people were saying are true. When I learned he went to see Paul, I know what’s in his mind. I don’t care if he sleeps with Paul, that’s not my worry. Ok I’m lying… maybe partly. The main reason is… all Paul sees about Stan is he is a good friend. What Paul didn’t know is Stan is talking behind his back, all the dirty works.

Stan might have my Jack for the night but what Stan forgot I have his Ace of a lifetime. When his secret is out that he went to his ex for a quick sex fix, he knows everything will be over with Dave.

Revenge is sweet but I will rest my case for the holiday. I have changed and I have grown out of it. Too bad for you, you just lost my shovel! You can never drag me back to my old self. I dont want to be a trouble maker again. I hope you will have a peace of mind.

Thanksgiving

2010-12-15T22:35:00.001+08:00

Better late than never!

I'm neither a good writer nor a storyteller. I don’t have the variety of words to capture a moment. My grammar is not as good as others. hahahah disclaimer.

But there is something about writing. That moment when you hit that publish button. You feel that rush, a feeling of release... you know that you are okay already. Even more when random people send their insights; you know that you are not alone. Some people experience the same thing, some people oppose. That makes it dynamic.

Am I climbing the right mountain? That has been the question I've been asking myself for the past months. I apologize to my friends for I have not updated my page. I assume some people still read this site and I'm grateful. I'll do my best to update this great avenue of my whereabouts, what's hot and what not, the tears of joy and that not so happy moments. And to reach to other people I've missed so much here.

The year is about to end and I've been blessed for this year. I'm grateful for good health, caring friends, for the job that pays and most importantly a loving family.

I may have failed along the way. As Abraham Lincoln said " Always bear in mind that your resolution to succeed is more important than any other thing." I'm looking forward for next year. I will make it a better year. It's about finding my purpose!

I will be a better person and you will hear a lot about it here!

You are missed...

2010-09-22T17:21:00.000+08:00

A few years ago, actually three years ago to be exact, my officemates and I went for a movie, one afternoon.. well after work. It had always been like that when I was with my previous project. After we log out from the Avaya.. off we go to the malls for lunch or a movie... you see, we bonded.

I can't remember what movie was that.. maybe I was too occupied. My phone rang... shoot I forgot to put it on a silent mode.. I cancelled the call and sent her a message that I was in the movie house. I bet she would understand.. I ended my message with "I'll call you later"...

It rang again... from another high school buddy, Brian. I pressed cancel again. "call you back, I'm watching a movie"

Then, I received a text message from Bodie, a high school friend too. i thought great... what were these guys up to?

I read the message, "Ruvy is dead, heart attack"

I replied, "Bad joke! I'm in a movie house now, deal with you later. Ruvy rang me earlier"

It has been three years since Ruvy passed away. She once said to us on one of our dinners, which rarely happens, because either one friend is not in town, busy at work, or simply does not want to go out and some other excuses... "that the only time we see each other is when someone got married or someone dies."

Before she died she had tried to contact us for a dinner. But we were all too busy... Surely this date three years ago, her wish was granted. we, the high school elite, all met but she was there lying in front of us...

We surely learned a lesson there.. to all other circle of friends.. it's never too late to dial that phone and check with old friends on how they are doing and to those people who will receive the call, think twice before you cancel it, it maybe the last..

By the way, the one who called me was the sister using Ruvy's number to inform me...

Right now, its given that we are still busy with our personal lives, work and all that... well, thanks to technology, the most that we can do as of the moment is a conference call.. thanks bri for the initiative.

Another One Bites The Dust

2010-09-13T19:57:00.002+08:00

I usually like it when it rains. You know that mood when you are just sitting by your window with a warm cup of coffee... watching slowly the water as it drops to the ground or to the leaves.. I always have that picture when it rains.. or while walking at least you no one can notice while you are crying... what do you call that mood? oh yes.. emo mood...

But when the lighting of reality hit me earlier.. well, it hit me hard... Reality has always been really hard.. I guess that's why I always paint that picture in my head... an escape? maybe...

So it was pouring hard earlier when I'm on my way to work... I have to take a cab again... and when salary is scheduled two days from now, budget is really tight and every peso counts... shit I have to give up my coffee... I thought...

Surprise, newsflash... I'm broke!!! My mom decided to cut my allowance because she noticed I couldn’t manage my finances... She asked why I'm always short... She has it as my action plan to learn a lesson and find means to save... so I thought I’d cut my cab fare to start...

I know you'll ask me why my mom had been giving me money... Let's just say it’s the prize of being the middle child... Allowance = shut-up-your-mouth-about-favoritism-and-no-attention-complains...

Why are some people so good with their lives... and am struggling living my own... am I ranting?

I guess I know now why my mom dropped that announcement to me yesterday... So that I can be good with my life too. will it work? wish me luck...

lead by example

2010-09-02T21:35:00.001+08:00

Being a leader is difficult. You have to lead by example. You see, I have not lived a perfect life and my past is the darkest.

Dark secrets like sexual fantasies.. drug abuse... back stabbing... and the likes...

Some of it am still doing... some I have considered history and I will never cross that path again...

That's what haunting me now...

Apparently, am good at keeping secrets.. keeping my records clean... having the face everybody can love and like... am proud of it... Yes I'm fake - second rate. so what... that's why I appreciate my friends so much for giving little extra effort for knowing me better... but this story is not about that....

well, am writing now because I feel guilty or paranoid maybe as my seatmate describes it... not because of those dark ones... its not really that dark act...

Outside work I know I'm still responsible of my actions.. nevertheless am still being looked up as their leader.. so I have to act like one. and that's where am struggling.. maybe a little... the partying part….

You see.. I lost weight suddenly... like in a month. I worked hard for it... from 160lb to 135 lb... I know that's a lot... as I've said I worked hard for it... I changed my diet.. more of the healthy lifestyle... no alcohol especially beer... more exercise.... went to the gym... go for the jog... all healthy...

I've tried pills before but it worked for a while but I gained weight again eventually...
my concern is that.. I may influence others... because I’m in the position… or may have influenced them already… I’m scared that they may resort to all means just to loose weight... would that be my responsibility in case something happen to them? I don’t mean for them to follow me when I share them how I did it like the healthy way... Talking about responsible leadership… that’s tough

Quit playing games

2010-08-29T15:42:00.003+08:00

Care to play a game called "Who falls first"

My Sunday Starbucks buddy, Eric, finally found his prince charming. I can see cherubs hovering above him singing their theme song.. Broken-Hearted Girl... ops wrong song.. uhmm Chasing Pavements... hehehe nooooo... silly Eric why are you singing these songs.... I can't think... uhmmm what's your theme song.... anyway..

I can see cherubs hovering above him humming... hmmmm... "what's with the smile Eric" I commented. He has been wearing that smile to the point that I get annoyed. Hahaha that was just me being bitter... I guess from coffee...

Sometimes, Eric brings his boyfriend, which by the way is 19 years old... you see I dont have a problem with that... I just need to stress it that he is 19 and I said it again. Eric brings his boyfriend for a coffee... I know, I am the third wheel... or an audience to their display of affection publicly... again I don't mind... although sometimes I do... you know when people look at them instead of noticing my beauty...

So they have a project for me. I said it's sweet but no thank you. They said they will find me a boyfriend. As of now, dating is last in my to-do list. I guess there's no harm in it so I said okay... fine. So I met Harley. He is cool, charming and tall. He is in a way sweet. And he is soon to be a pilot. Isn't that the coolest? But he is 19 years old. and i just stared at them blankly then smiled in sarcasm. I force my smile up to my ears and show my pearly white teeth.

The night ended well in bed... I mean well... the night ended well... man he can dance. he asked me to come up with him in the ledge... that's the spirit... I had this spirit when I was younger... not that I'm old... yeah I will be 30 in few months from now. nothing to worry.. I did not have a good 20s.. it was all roller-coaster-achy-breaky-heart ride.. am just glad its over.

he asked me to come up with him in the ledge... well I don't dance anymore because my knees hurts, well that night, Harley brought back a good memory. So I let go of my hesitations. He grabbed my hand and smiled... That face I can't forget. He is indeed charming. Sometimes, I caught myself smiling thinking of that face... and my seatmate started to get annoyed... Who falls first? not me.. I mean not yet... am not there yet... but I fell from the ledge. as if that was my first!

"You belong with me" were his last four words before I took that cab. Silly kid, he had a last-song-syndrome. Somehow it moved me but I contain myself not to go to that level.

"Good guys from my generation had already been taken... Let me be the first to take the few good men of the new generation." I think this is Eric guiding principle. I thought it's smart but what is this manufacturing plant? I'm not gonna go there..

There's nothing wrong going out with a kid. In fact they are more energetic. I felt young again. They adore you and sex is soo good. I could not ask for more. but I choose not to go there. So let us just hang out and play "Who falls first". Let us tease each other and enjoy the moment. Thank you for kindling my spirit... it means so much... Now, can I date your professor instead...

Ally meets Billy

2010-08-01T03:00:00.004+08:00

this is my 100th post. I thought this better be good... so I squeezed my brain on important things to right... but I could not just think of any... politics... social welfare.. work... nothing...

I realized everything i post here are all rants... negative vibes... that's why I like my page... somehow after writing it make me feel better....

This will be my last rant... I need to do it in writing... shows commitment... this time I'm serious about it...

I blame this to Ally McBeal... I just needed to think of something to blame it to... no that's not a good idea! bygones...

ok this story about unfinished business.... I wanna finish this... as in now... damn... dadadadadada... i'm bothered... I need to take a moment....

now i'm talking to myself... scary...

work has been pretty shitty... but I guess what wont kill you will only make you stronger... and I hope after today I will be stronger.... I'm like a an insecure rat who has been hiding in my own hole scared of the world!!! what am I talking about.... words flowing and I can bare catch my typing.... I was talking about work... work.. July ended well... my team passed QA.. that's good... be better than yesterday... that's what I always share to my team... I have so many words of wisdom... but I can't seem to apply it to my own self...

dadadadadada....

my weekend buddy is seeing someone now... so I guess... i will have more time alone... alone to think of strategies about work... work again... ok.. time to think about my new room... yeah my room... my very own flat is almost done... more time to shop for bed... mirror.. chairs... utensils... that's an achievement right...... I guess...

dadadadada

months from now I'l be 30... wow... took me sometime to think if i have to write my age here.. but yes I will be 30... there I wrote it again... fine lines are coming out... why a i scared of that number... have I lived my 20s right? am i done being 20 something plus.... can I extend it... my room... its over looking the city... I like it when I wake up in the evening i see the city lights... its cold... the word cold... it will be colder... cold rhymes with old... 30 and alone... these things are stressing me.....

dadadadada

so decided to go out today... birthday... happy birthday to her.... my friend's sister... when everyone else were drinking beer... I was with my cup of coffee... cant help it.. I feel sleepy even after 8 hours of sleep I still felt sleepy... watching ally mcbeal would have been better... wait.. I have not seen the Air Bender... but i dont watch movies alone... but i'm alone... no...

dadadadada

i was about to go home... after months of not partying... same crowd.. I thought... i saw at least 10 people i slept with... bygones!...

the moment i step out of the bar... feels like time slowed... breeze was bit chilly it hit my cheeks... then time stopped... I saw my "Billy"... all lights at him... still stunning... i froze.. cold as ice.... I could not even move my muscle to make a smile... damned it... it has been a long time and why??? i started acting like Ally.... where will it lead me...

i'm normally shy with videos... but my life seems like i'm in a reality tv... all cameras are rolling.. following me... all lead role's friends are happy... the star always end up sad and alone.... alone that word.. how many time i have said that here....

this will be the last... i feel better now... this page never fail me... there my last rant!

A song for you...

2010-06-20T00:26:00.003+08:00

'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes.

Your eyes.

me, my mom and my job

2010-06-18T10:45:00.002+08:00

newly polished shoes. check. plaid pants. check. pressed polo. check. matching tie. check. resume. check.

I woke up early today for job interview. Had a long shower. then my pan de sal breakfast with black coffee. It's a beautiful morning I said. I really miss waking up early. There's something about in the morning that makes your day. It's a better start a day and its really meant to be the start of the day! confused? try working in a night shift for almost seven years...

Seven years. Number 7. what's up with this number? sever year itch? i think its about time...

I saw my mom entered the dining room. Sitting in the counter while munching my pan de sal, I remembered we had an argument with my mom. She has been avoiding me and vice versa. A little background, my mom is old fashion and conservative. She doesnt like my haircut. With that i'm deprived of her cookings. she intentionally cooks bago-ong, fish cooked with vinegar and the likes. She knows I dont eat those. Unlike my brother, who'd die without his porkchop, I can settle with toasted pan de sal and coffee in the morning.

my mom and I have a bittter-sweet relationship. Sometimes we are good but most of the time we are not. I just can't figure her out. she knows that I'm not straight. We dont talk about it... and I know her fears... As wild as her fears are, I cant imagine myself with fake boobs and fake butt, in a mini skirt and high heels... and that's why i shaved my head. well, just the sides. and I got a comment that I look like a chimpanzee from my mom... imagine my mom... some moms are dying and lying that their sons look hot and gwapo when they really are not... and I am not saying that I am...

neways, I know her fear. that one day, I'l bring someone home and introduce to her as my boyfriend! let me do that on of these days, let see if she'll not get a heart attack... but then again my brothers and sisters will kill me for doing that.. so bad idea. She thinks guys will just use me... spend my money, as if am that rich! Didn't I mention that she is old fashion, religious and conservative? she thinks i'm possesed with evil spirit and that I need to pray hard to drive the spirit away.... I told her I am agnostic!

she may get over the agnostic part but she can never get over her fear about me being not straight. I have beaten my brothers and sisters at school even at work. but she is more proud of my brother who got her girlfriend pregnant before marraige... or my sister who has three kids and still not married or our eldest who has kids from different women. talking about perfect family... we are a good example. the last thing i will know, she has changed my last name... my name is not even in the last will... talking about double standard, that what she is...

enough of that... somehow it gave me strength to do better for my job interview... so that i can leave home and be in a place where i can be myself... You'll never miss the water until it runs dry, i thought. I have the opposite of what Ternie posted why he decided to look for a regular job.
That made me feel am a bad person but that's his story...

I was right on time. The interviewer greeted me. Read my resume and said "thank you for your interest, we'll keep you posted once we have an available position for you"... Shiiitttt... You know that feeling of being rejected? my jaw fell and my heart smashed... so I went online to recheck what they were looking for... Accountancy Graduates... what am I thinking? Deutsche is a bank and apparantly they are looking for finance agents...

So I guess mom you still have to bear with me for a few months... my heart may have been crashed but I still have my spirit! I'm not giving up.. not yet!

Revisiting Plan A

2010-06-15T16:51:00.002+08:00

one day it hits me, what if, I chose Manila instead? would plan-A worked better than what I have now? I got promoted. I got what I wanted as planned. I have achieved my dream.... Its when everything-is-ok that scares me. After watching Sex and the City with a good friend of mine, I realized, am I ready to just slouch in my couch after a day's work watching prime time tv? I'm just not ready for that... but its happening now... I am getting old. I need a sparkle!

While my friends are living their dreams, am I doing something to live my own dream?

In two week's time, everything will change... I'm having a detour!

crack of dawn

2010-06-09T17:41:00.003+08:00

I woke up early one Sunday morning. I thought this would be a good day. I searched for my cp to check the time, it was 5am. I could hear the chirping of the birds outside my window. I thought a newly brewed coffee would be a good start, pair it with toast bread and bacon. Then a warm shower. I missed 5 messages. 4 of the messages were from friends asking where I was. Saturday night parties used to be fun. I used to go out and drink tequila until the sun rises. Not that I miss holding a bottle of beer at one hand and lighting a cigarette on the other, things have change lately.

Then I read the last message. It wasn't a bad news. No one died. However, it wasn't a happy news either. I could still remember how it feel when I read the message. Everything were in slow motion. I could hear my heart beat until it burst, opened my chest, geysers of blood, moving in slow motion. I nearly broke into tears.

Tried to compose myself. i could hardly breath. Some thing wanted to escape from within. it had been captive for a long time. It was boiling ready to explode. my chest couldn't not keep it any longer... and I couldn't shout nor break things... I didn't want to make a scene.

I saw my running shoes, grabbed them and went to the hills for a run. It was a little bit cold. Morning breeze made cuts through my cheeks. My legs started to feel the pain... I nearly cried. I halted. I still couldn't shout... that thing has not escaped... I wanted it out.. I was the only one there... on the top of the hill.. but how come I couldn't let it out...

I pushed myself a little more... I could barely run... I fell on my knees then laid on my back... the sky was turning blue as the sun showed its first ray of the day. Then I started to calm down... if only life is as perfect as this morning...

He may have left without saying "goodbye"... there may be things that are not meant to happen yesterday but today is another day...

can U substitute X wihout asking Y?

2010-06-06T18:46:00.002+08:00

x: Where you at?

me: Starbucks..

x: Aok

me: how are you?

x: am good! thanks... hey...

me: hey what?

x: Can you come over?

me: Can you give me 30 minutes?

I arrived 15 minutes late. He still looks good except he gained a little pound while I lost some. Still in that call center? he asked. Yup am still with Sykes for almost 7 years now. Cool, he replied... working out? he asked again... i replied with a nod. you look the same the last time we met, he observed. Most call center agents gain weight after a few months. I'm not an agent anymore, I cut in. Good to hear, he replied. You must be earning well now, he added. not really, the only benefit is that you're not taking calls anymore... Sykes bought ICT he continued... I heard many ICT agents didnt like it... I told him they have the option to go... he commented that I'm mean... and asked if I'm in there shoes... I have an option to go, I simply replied.

I miss you. I didn't reply. What happen to you? its been 5 months since? I got busy. I simply replied. I miss you. I just smiled... then he grabbed me and kiss me... then he hugged me tightly and said I miss you.

I miss that kiss, I said to myself. why am i holding back? I look at him... with his chinito eyes... playing innocent... no I cant like you... i said to myself... but his kiss really felt good... he is stronger and taller... he lift me for I'm as light as paper to him...

unto the chair... he unbutton his polo... I pulled my shirt... he kissed me again then he asked, are you dating someone? I replied to myself, no but I'm waiting for someone... Can we start all over again? he asked... Bite me! i commanded him... I'm so hot at that moment already I didn't pay attention to what his saying... he knows my weakness and he knows my spot. he lift me again, this time to his bed....

it went on and on... me on top like riding a horse... he lift me again back to the chair.... then to the floor... on four... then, with my legs up... he knows my favorite porn position...

he continued to talk while pounding me... I refused to listen as my legs were trembling already... then he climaxed. I was drenched with my own sweat on the floor trying to catch my breath... I realized I was under the chair with my hands grabbing tightly on its feet...

then he broke the silence, I'm sorry. I just stared at him. I said to myself, don't be, the reason why I'm here lying on the floor under a chair is because I love the sex. I replied to him, It's complicated, I need to hit the shower care to join me?

no he is not the guy for me.

I was born blond

2010-06-05T20:50:00.002+08:00

3:00 pm according to my Fossil watch. My friend has not arrived yet. One last puff of my Marlboro lights and I'm off to go, i said to myself. I checked my new Blackberry phone, I got one message. I can't believe he's bailing out on me. Instantly I grab my tall-light-cafe-mocha-with-no-whip-no-chocolate-drizzle from Starbucks in one hand then my Nike gym bag on the other. Put on my DKNY shades and did my strut. Daddy, when are you buying me my green BMW beetle? with a big sigh I went to the cab station... great it was queuing. I'm impatient standing in line... if only I can pay everyone to get the next Toyota Vios cab!

My legs were hurting after an hour of doing my treadmill routine at Slimmers. Think. I decided to take the bus for a change. i hate commuting but its the fastest way I could get home. I was the last to get in. Great no more seats! So it means i need to grab on those microbial iron bars, stand in the bus aisle for 30 minutes and my legs were really hurting. Its too late for me to alight... Here are 10 reasons why I hate commuting:

1. Its fully packed than my favorite Zaragoza Spanish Sardines.
2. I know I'm hot, but really its hotter riding in a bus.
3. Dr. Vicky Belo will be richer after my zits come out.
4. a month session of Diamond peel wont be enough to remove the black heads.
5. its dusty.. eeky!
6. I could not think of the other five....

Anyways, so I drenched myself with my own sweat... not even my Aqua Bvlgari survived. I could smell people's guts and their lunches. all of a sudden the bus halted, i dropped my cup of cafe mocha, i lost my balance and landed to the guy behind me... I know what these people are thinking... what am i doing in a bus when I can afford to buy an expensive coffee... whatever... i stained my leather cow shoes from PabDer.

The guy behind me was a gentleman. of course i apologized. he helped me with my bag. First time riding in a bus? he asked as he smiled devilishly. Ironically, I smiled back sheepishly and told him not really.. and the rest is history. that's the benefit I'd like when commuting. whore!

I'm wishing....

2010-05-31T22:17:00.002+08:00

never teach your children with fairy tales. Either they will be trap within their dreams or they end up miserable trying to reach their dreams. Life is a jungle. its a wilderness. you'll never know when you get hurt. that's real life... work hard to survive. not wait until a magical fairy appears and makes your dream come true... it's not the happily ever after in every end of a fairy tale book. no one has escape from it alive.

what if Aurora's prince did not arrive. She would still be in coma right now. Ariel would have been in a freak show together with Beast or with the seven dwarfs or end up like a can of tuna. Cinderella didn't need a prince charming to rescue her from misery... she can always stood up and slap those evil bitches sisters.

I mean lets get real, as adults we know life is not a magical world.. unless you won the lottery but then you'll die the next day... you were shot or a family member kills you because he wants the money... thanks Alanis.. that's ironic indeed...

life is difficult. especially if you end up waiting for nothing. and why am I ranting about this... because like Rapunzel... my parents locked me in a tower guarded with beasts... its a nice view up here... but when you are alone and no one to share it with... its as boring as gray.

I myself has been trap in the illusion that someday... someone magical will appear and changes everything... someday my hair will grow... or a magic carpet appears through my window. or a magical pumpkin turn into a coach to help me with my escape.

i have wished on all falling star... tossed coins to all wishing wells... I couldn't just kiss all toads to be the handsome prince.... or rub that lamp for my three wishes. Shrek is lucky.. he's ugly.. he stinks... he is green and he takes mud bath... but he is not scared to fall in love... again... Thumbelina was rewarded with wings at the end.
........................................
sigh. this is me just getting old. i've been naughty and was taken out of santa's list. I love fairy tales.. it teaches hope... and it teaches love... life is magical. I pity those people who are bitter with their lives... But I know where its coming from... a bad childhood. Can't blame them.

So moral of the story is?

I think I'm sick

2010-05-23T07:52:00.002+08:00

I'm sooo obsessed with my weight... I'm jealous with my friends who are naturally thin. They can eat what they want and not gain a pound.

I used to be 110lbs.. it soar to 130 when I went to college and disgusting 160lbs when I started working... I'm not that tall... being over weight would make me look like a giant ball! what an irony!

ive tried, less and complex carbo diet, fruit and veg diet, after six, no fried diet, the famous 3 day diet and pills.. I would end up craving for french fries... ice cream and cheese cake...

Metabolism slowers with age... dont ask how old I am... when I hit the scale at 160 again... I went to panic. So I decided to enroll at Slimmers... I get my daily shot of Vitamin A, those eye-candy boys! hahahah according to our pharmacist, no one can be overdozed with Vitamins.

Now I am at 140lb. My trainer and my friends still think am fat even when I'm barely eating. and I can still see those flabs in my ass and in my arms.

I have a distorted image of myself everytime I look at the mirror... those belly that hangs in front of me... really disgusting. those legs can be a good krispy pata!

when can I wear white shirts? stripes polo shirt? until when will I hide with black?

I need to push more... well, What does not kill you, makes you stronger right...

so I'l hold unto that thought until i get myself fixed!

2:30 AM

2010-05-15T00:06:00.002+08:00

it was semi-dark. the only light that lit my room was from the lamp post through my french window. I laid in my bed staring blankly at my ceiling. my sight found its way through the faint ray. I was dreaming. it was all silent except for the ticking of my clock. My heart pounded with clock's rhythm. then one deep breath. I had not felt that way in a long time now. The AC was in full blast but I was sweating. my grip was tight. it left a wrinkle in my bed sheet. my legs were stretched until it felt numb and i couldn't move them. it tore my skin as it tried to escape from within. that feeling made me wanna scream... but no voice came out. that burning sensation made me bit my lips.

Wow... I have not have sex for the longest time that now it made me dreamed about it.

The Droplet part II: The Result

2010-04-11T06:53:00.004+08:00

i woke up early yesterday. it should be a good day. it was the day that my lab test results are in. ironically I didn't feel any tint of tense. the sun rose early that day. it woke me up as it warmly touched my face. it was 6:30.

i grabbed my robe. check myself in the mirror. will this face be damned and hide from the truth forever or will it be free like a bird and sings until everyone gets annoyed.

I headed to the kitchen as the aroma of the newly brewed coffee prepared by mama was inviting. That's what i needed for it would be a long day. I greeted my mama bonjour! "going to see your doctor today?", she asked. what she knew was I went to the doctor to have my kidney checked.

I would hurt my mama if I would turn positive. Not just her but my friends and my partner to be. I went back to my room. Open my window and lit a cigarette with a cup of coffee at one hand. Contemplating what life would bring.

8:00, i received a text message from a close friend, wishing me well and he hope it would turn out just well. I was supposed to go island hopping with them but I canceled the last minute. I thanked him for he has been supportive.

this day would mark a new life for me. I took a hot shower at 10:00, still I didn't feel any worry. My place is just 30 minutes from the hospital, I said I still had enough time. I checked facebook, read my e-mail. It said that "Expect today to be a dramatic one". oh no... but the last part said lucky color: yellow.

I'm not really superstitious but I needed all the positive vibes. May it be good or bad news, I would still be able to carry myself. so grabbed a yellow shirt in my closet and my yellow ocher loafer.

11:00 i was outside the hospital. the sun was almost above me. it didn't matter as I look up and felt its energy. I need the courage.

the nurse let me wait for some minutes. that's when i started to feel butterflies in my stomach. it twitched. I tried to get a gripped and hold my composure, my knees were trembling. they told me that if the result is positive that they need to do a confirmation test... so why did the nurse let me wait... is this another document that I need to sign... will she fetch another counselor? will she get another droplet of blood from me?

the nurse escorted me to a secure room. i started to feel cold. and handed me an envelope.

it reads: NONREACTIVE

i asked the nurse what it meant, i lost my senses for a moment there.. or i just needed confirmation if I understood it right. Oh yes, I'm negative of HIV. My history of being irresponsible has been deleted tout de suite. it felt like I'm a new person and what happened before like those rough and dirty exhibition didn't matter anymore... Oh yeah I learned my lesson here. always learned it the hard way...

The Droplet

2010-04-09T17:44:00.002+08:00

as this day is about to end. I run out of time. will I have a glimpse of the morning. will i still smell the newly mowed grass. darkness starts to fill the air... my hope is thinning. But I'm holding on to that faint hope... That tomorrow will be a new life for me.

I'm scared, every inch of me. I feel cold as if my own blood refuses to convey. would my heart stop pumping? would it know the time. I grasp for more air. would my lungs stop breathing? would it know the time?

one piece of paper unveils the truth. the truth that will change everything in an instant. at a wink of an eye. I will become a different person. at a split of a second, it will make me or break me.

looking back through the years. when all you can do is learn. when regret is too late and of no use. why is that word invented. those dark years when I lost my wings. those dark years when I lost my true north. those dark years when all i did was to love. i was ruin.

as I sit near my window, gazing at the sunset. will it be the most beautiful sunset? will it be the last? will it change my views? will i still admire the glow of the moon? would it still look beautiful? or will everything be all dark?

When you feel everything is OK. when you have stopped crying. when all wounds have healed. when you have learned to forgive. to forgive yourself and be kind to yourself. when you start to love yourself. when you start to pick up where you left. I know its never too late to start all over again...

when you are ready to move on. Somehow.. fate plays evil. like a calm water challenged by a strong wind. my past is haunting me... am I reaping what I sew?

I always learn the hard way. hit my head on the wall. this time it will only take one tiny drop of blood to realize. yet this droplet of blood will change the course of my life forever.

when we stumble and fall. they said there's only one way... may I humbly ask which way is up?

Summer

2010-04-06T09:08:00.003+08:00

the sun reigns again as I close my eyes...

darkness comforts me.

Yet, in the middle of my dreams and wishes,

this sun penetrates into my skin.

its ray blinds me.

you always tease me with your warm touch...

that's why I hate you...

coz you come and go!

lady crazy song

2010-04-01T09:30:00.001+08:00

Thanks lady gaga for singing the song. finally i found the theme song for this entry, The Awakening.

Lately I've been living in my past... is it because all I've been doing is just work and I never had the time for some other things. like something new that's why I dwell so much in the past? even my cigarette break.. either I'm thinking of an action plan for my team or I'm thinking of him... three years have past and I am wide awake and well aware that it not healthy... miss him much? not really.. more of the thought of being with someone? perhaps... afraid of getting older alone? more likely.. hahahah what am I thinking? blame the moon for it is at its whole... awooooh!

crap him... I should be thinking of someone else... something new... I'm tired of that past... I have learned from it. summer has just started.. what's the game plan? uhhhmmmm eye_spy, u there? uuhhhmmmm... oh no I have nothing in my list.... emergency! hahahah

well, this is a crazy post... bottom line is.. I love you lady gaga for this song! I was just speechless holding that glass of beer when he said, I dont love you.. on my birthday!

Stress Alert

2010-03-28T22:25:00.002+08:00

Dear Diary,

I just woke up from a 16-hour of sleep. my best friend rang to ask if i'm out. yeah great! from the sound of my voice, I still felt sleepy. I tried to stand up, put on my sleepers, walked to the nearest switch. I felt dizzy. I asked, what day is it. Felt like Ive been asleep for years. Sunday just passed while am deep asleep. I missed breakfast, lunch and dinner. I felt hungry. I asked my best friend, now that you have awaken the dragon, you have to fed me. Went outside to check if there are eateries open. I only found tempura. Naaahh sleeping beauty isn't my favorite Disney princess. Yeah I'm waiting for my prince but that's another story.

if I were to measure my stress, its raging Red. All the sleepless weekdays. Deadlines to meet. People to manage. Training to attend. failed action plans. Metric that have not passed. On top of that, cat fights at work, zero love life, I cant borrow my own car from my brother! ( its my car and my brother is using it), loans, my-not-so-finished-yet flat. my knee cap hurting. My hips swelling... my sex drive is low to zero. my sperm count has dropped (geez..) i'm even taking supplements now...If I can just stop time for few hours.

Sleeping is my remedy. At least for good 16 hours, I was able to stop thinking about them. That fat, 16-hour, dreamless, sound sleep is what I need.

now its 11:03 pm and I'm wide awake... its time to scroll that phonebook and check someone to bug! let's roam the city and have sex!

what a loser!

2010-03-23T09:52:00.002+08:00

Dear Dairy,

I had a good laugh today from a loser office mate. yeah he is a loser! a fugly (fat and ugly) loser in fact! Why can't he mind his own business and stop being nosy!

Anyhow, remember that pork kebabs I made for our island hopping with the clients. my friend a fellow officer brought the left overs. He went to his boyfriend's beach party after our island cruise thingee... Suprisingly, this fellow officer whose face I truly disgust was there. He then grab a stick of pork tenderloin marinated in Mongolian sauce. Alright, that wasn't really Mongolian.. i just termed it mongolian... it was more of ala pobre style. well, he enjoyed every bite of it until the last piece.

loser: hey this is delicious, who cooked it?
friend: it's ron
loser: it's salty

what's funny because I did not put salt on it. The last person to use salt in his cooking is me. its health reason. some envious monster cant get his scripts right! darn wish I've seen his face! i could only imagne... he would still be fugly!

what a loser needs to know...

2010-03-22T02:07:00.003+08:00

Dear Diary,

Today, I'm home alone again. Mom went to the province to take care some unpaid realty taxes. Dad's out with friends. My brother, well, he is with his fiancee. this has always been the set up in this house. either mom is at church, dad's supervising the newly constructed house. When I'm home, almost always I'm just in my room. I only go out to eat. Anyway I don't like the weather lately. Either I'm sleeping, reading, pushing the keyboards.

I searched for my phone to check some messages, none. I scrolled my phone list, no one answered the other line. Sent a message has not gotten any reply. I went to the kitchen to brew coffee, lit a cigarette, it was perfect breakfast. I promised myself not to think about work. I know i have a lot of deadlines to beat. But this is my free day.

while waiting for my friend's reply, went to the backdoor, pushed some buttons then water came out. poured some powder then it began to spin. 45 minutes, that's all it takes and my clothes be clean and dry again. while waiting for the laundry and my friends reply, I turned on the TV. its been a while since I touched that idiot box. naahh its boring.

suddenly, like a light bulb flashed above me. well, my friends were not replying. I'll have to face my fear... dine and watch movie alone... I have never done this. I should try... it should be that bad.. and it should be that hard. I went to a salon to have my hair fixed. I needed my toes done too.. off I go to the mall... first I bought some things that I needed... looked for a man's purse as my self birthday gift... then my best friend rang... "sorry I can't make it... I'm with J... but hey, don't forget to drop by the house, I have a birthday present to you" and I replied.. okay!

so I got myself some cologne, undies and a bag. the moment of truth... to face fear.. I can dare.. I rushed to the ticket booth to check some good films... my heart was pounding... I was about to stand in line, another flashed of light bulb hit me and asked me " What are you doing?"

I came into my senses, ditch the line and went to the closest Starbucks... its fine to have coffee alone.. that's my private moment... I like it peaceful with my coffee... sometimes I need to get away from the reality and I have a place in Starbucks...

I'm a year older now, and it happened so fast, giving up parties and having coffee instead.. that soon? seems like just yesterday... Anyway, i just don't see myself watching movie by myself or dining out... no offense but it's a pact that I respect and I promised to myself!

Dear Diary

2010-03-20T17:06:00.002+08:00

The weather was nice today. A little rain and the sun is out. I don't fancy the sun, it just drain me till I'm dry. Ironically, our visitors from the States prayed for the sun to get their tan. How funny can it be, i tried to stay in the shade to keep my hue while they tried to find some rays to get some color!

So we went island hopping. I deserve some time out since office has been crazy. Crazier since I started with this new project. salty water gets into my locks (does that sound fun?) the water was a little rough in fact one of the officers got sick. While they enjoyed the view, the water and breeze, I was assigned in the kitchen. I love to cook... my favorite was shrimp kebabs. shrimp marinated in lemon and orange, sprinkled with chopped parsley, dash with salt and pepper, garlic and oregano to flavor. it had onions, bell pepper and zucchini. It was colorful. brushed with butter when it was ready to be served! there, I love doing that!

I like it the most when you see people react positively after the first bite. I know it was delicious! you can see in their faces that there's something about it that they haven't tasted... similar feeling when one gets an orgasm! When I was younger, I wanted really to be cook just like my mom. Well, influenced by Philippineism about graduating with a degree, very old school, my mom, so I took Engineering instead. Now, i just don't see myself working under the heat of the sun with my hard hat bringing rolls of blue prints and smells like I have not taken a bath for a week, sweat and dust and mud on your shoes. that's not me.

then suddenly I felt gloomy just like the weather. I missed someone that I used to cook for. Cooking seems meaningless when you have no one to share it to. The secret ingredient to sumptuous cooking is the love that you share to the person you cook for.

on our way home, i recalled lady gaga's bad romance. Screw him like the kebabs! I love lady gaga! its the new national anthem now!

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-Roma-ma-ah!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!

sing with me!

Dear Diary,

2010-03-15T00:39:00.002+08:00

I had a good one today.

I woke up late from partying last night. last night was fun. I was with some friends to celebrate my birthday. we had dinner then videoke. Originally we planned to go to Bantayan just like last year, unfortunately due to some events beyond our control, it was canceled the last minute. too bad I had my sun screen packed already ready for the summer. instead, we plan to go to Siquijor.

when i woke up, its lunch time. actually i was late for lunch.. I went straight to the kitchen to check what's cookin' coz i was starving and i heard my stomach complained. In the dining, mom had already prepared my lunch. she even labeled with my name on it and a little note. thanks mom for lunch.

received a message from a friend for a late afternoon starbucks. As always I had my cafe mocha... I like it bittersweet. after a brief chit chat went to see a movie, Remember Me. I've seen alice and I dont know what was the other one. anyways, I had nothing to do and anyway, my friend paid for the tickets. quite surprising how the movie ended. It was a good one.

I felt tired so i visited my massuer. had a 2-hour body massage. it was relaxing. I was just enjoying the moment. he's good looking. I like that and he knows my spots... that didn't sound right...

did I learn something today? small things can mean a lot. have you thanks someone today?

Joyeux anniversaire !

2010-03-13T04:20:00.003+08:00

it was dark..

and the silence was deafening..

suddenly, a light was drawn in the midnight sky.

then the glow started to fade.

landed in a deserted alley.

I rose.

I lost my wings.

I started to wander.

to gain the shimmer of my pale skin.

everything had changed when all i did was - to love.

---

that's how this blog started a year ago on my bday... Joyeux anniversaire !

morning rats.. I mean rants...

2010-03-02T08:59:00.003+08:00

I'm whining again about my work. its not about work load because I'm not complaining about more than 8 hours overstaying without pay. and its not even about my agent's behavior because I know they are doing their best to achieve their goals.. they just need a little push to achieve the metrics.

what I'm ranting about is dealing with fellow supervisors wanting their ways when its too obvious their points are stupid! and sooo childish like making faces when being questioned about their not so intelligent idea. to the point of making you shut up when you try to give a point. being bitchy all over the place... why can't we not talk in a diplomatic manner? like professionals... I may be from the boondocks, but I'm from the south hills. Do I need to stress that part?!

work politics are adding to my grey hairs. and my mom noticed it. every morning when I came home all she hears are my complain. good thing she cooks sumptuous breakfast and then I'll be fine.

I had baked chicken breast today marinated in lemon sauce with spices i love, like thyme's and pepper. paired it with bagoong sauteed with tomatoes, onions and lots of garlic.

I know I should be grateful because I have achieved my dream last year.. but for what its worth? I'm guessing now that my plans of moving out to Manila before would have been a better idea...

Guilty!

2010-02-20T10:26:00.001+08:00

Guilty!

My heart crushed when my agent talked to me about her husband having an affair with another woman! Whoa! With another man would have been worse and I wouldn’t know what words to say to her.

I was about to discuss her scores for last week when she burst to tears. And not just teary eyed but she cried like a river. And sobs almost like a lion roar. I panicked because I didn’t know what to say.

Just like a lightning, it hit me… I recalled some lines from popular authors like John Maxwell, Paulo Coehlo, Stephen Covey and the likes… I was surprised of myself to say those lines. And I even advised her to pray… wait a minute… when was the last time I prayed? But on a serious tone, I said it sincerely.

I’m-a-team-lead-slash-guidance-counselor. So I set aside her stats, anyway, she is fairly performing except for her Average Handle Time (AHT). Perhaps that’s what’s driving her AHT to sore, her personal concerns. Who says the role of a team lead is easy?

Way back when I was an agent, I had thought if I could handle that role. I believe in order to be successful as team lead the approach should be holistic. Your scores will not describe you. I learned that from my philosophy teacher… See I’m a nerd!

Guilty!

Observing her crying like baby in my station, I was holding back my emotion. It must be really painful. Has the other woman realize this? Once a perfect family and now its broken because of her. and the kids?

Guilty!

When I arrived home, I was sobbing. I’m guilty! I was sorry! I must have torn and crushed my friend’s heart badly when he found out that I was the other person!

in my own world

2010-02-15T05:40:00.002+08:00

A Pisces can be dreamy. oh I dream a lot even when I'm wide awake. That's me, I'm the fish. We are described as imaginative. I can create from nothing into a big world. That's my fantasy world. Sometimes, while riding a bus, long distance travel, mostly coastal route I would think that I live in this big castle. It is situated in an island far from the city of course. It always interests me the view of the ocean. Feels like I just belong there. It's calling my name, as loud yet as calming as the tide drifts to the sand. Somewhere in the middle of the ocean, its welcoming me.

Yes I have a horse, a white one. I can imagine galloping in a long stretch of white sand. then take a plunge in the cold blue ocean. I would swim for hours. dive as if I have gills. flips like a dolphin. play with the old turquoise. i don't like pearls though. Jumps through the air and dive back... i could stay in the water for long.

sometime I could feel I can command the sea. Like water bending. water is my power! my imagination went overboard, i know... but this scene keeps playing and playing in this gray mass floating inside my head. this is beyond imaginary. this is mental illness! but somehow I feel comfort thinking that. Am I losing my screws and giving up the real world.

The real world seem to chaotic and harsh. They are mean and it bites. Inside my head there's ease and I'm liking i better. I think I'm getting crazy. but I want to stay there.

My love story. My knight and shining Armour. someone strong and who can save me. He intimidates me but someone he loves me. whom I could serve breakfast in bed with my own cooking freshly picked from my own garden. bathe him in a fountain. massage him with mint and rose oils. I love him for simply just being there!

I cant bear the real world. there's hatred. I'm taken for granted. rejected. pain. i think I'm losing it. I dont want to go back to the real world... In my world, I'm safe. In my world, I'm free. In my world i feel alive.

V-Day

2010-02-14T14:10:00.000+08:00

This day, just like any ordinary days, shall pass too!

work cat-pus fight

2010-02-09T09:07:00.007+08:00

I'm so pissed! It started with hormonal imbalance. Today is one of those days that insecurity is eating me whole. I was trying to wear a smile so my people would not notice it. I don't want to rub to them my loneliness because I know how tiring their work is. In a call center, whatever your emotion, it will reflect to the calls, no matter how hard you try, but you can really tell if you have a bad day. I don't want that to happen to my agent. I want to attract positive vibes. So I tried to hide it, at least I'm not taking sup calls (if you're asking why? we have escalations department)

Until this fugly (fat and ugly) bitch tried to rub his insecurity to me. He is my fellow supervisor. He claims to be closeted and let me quote max "he's the closeted type but he's leaking fairies and rainbows and pixie dust" (thanks for the description max). H claims to be straight. Let me stress this out, pink rubber shoes and blue contact lenses? good! that's my point!

A leader takes responsibility of his own team. Get your squatted and pimply nose out of my team or simply get you fugly face out of my way! Cause no matter how expensive the cream you will put on your face, may it be Lancome or Clinique you will always be fugly! Perhaps miracle whip can make miracle!

Don't blame me if your agents hate you because you are strict with all the rules that you imposed! I trust my agents and if they fail then I will take the responsibility! I love my people and they love me back. Unlike you, who demands respect from them. Memos like insubordination are for insecure supervisor who cannot control his team! I am not insecure as you are, so don't rub it in! The last thing I need from you is your negative energy!

My people are not stupid and so as your agents. 2-hours post shift huddle is for stupid people who cannot understand easily or you who cannot explain things in a simple way!

Mind your own business how I run my people. First, you are not my manager and you didn't hire me! Second, I have a life and you don't. Third, because you're fugly.

In spite of it all, I thank you. I ended my day with a lesson. You helped me realized that I'm not a loser! you are worse then "the pus that infects the mucus that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond scum."

there, i feel better now!

Death of a cheerleader

2010-02-01T03:55:00.003+08:00

30 - the death of a cheerleader!

my best friend back in high school and I often joke about the age at 30. Its the death of a cheerleader. Its our death! Looking back, i realized how silly we were. Now, we are months away and it scares the hell out of me!

I have aged...

No more plays. its time to settle down. when whoring becomes boring. always a stranger. but how when I have not met the one I like, nor he has not found me. Or I have met someone yet ends up the wrong one. I have tried what the little prince said, bout what is essential is invisible to the naked eye. nada! alright you read me, I go for looks. rule#1

No more parties. tell me what's wrong with this picture, mid 40's guys in the dance floor with the early 20's. Let go of your crown! give it to the kids! i don't have to worry though cause i still look like 25... somehow I just feel that i don't fit. I should hit the coffee shop instead or start building a garden.. hahah! Seriously, I know its still months away but it seems, the time has arrived sooner than I expected.. All the loud music makes my tummy sick.. and am only up to a bottle of Redhorse or Gilbys Premium Strong. I can't even dance anymore.. my knees hurt.. i'm not kidding... well its been hurting since college... but i just ignored it... Rule#2. he must be finacially blessed. No students allowed, well, if you're a Zobel de ayala.. why not!? Seriously, tuition fees are parents obligation. i dont want to end up as a charity institution. keep off the party scene coz its a kid thing.. tea party and sunday brunches will do.

I am an engineer, at least I have the title my best friend didn't get his ATTY title. Instead he got the stepford fag award... we agreed before that at 30 we should be successful with our career! i'm happy with my job but not as an engineer though, naah I still have the title and am paying yearly taxes for it... my best friend is married and I'm not... that's his sucess story! rule#3 a marrying type. it has been known in the history of mankind bout men's loyalty to his partner... my partner should be head over heels in love with me. and that he love me more than I do!

naahh i better hit the sack.. i bet he's in my dreams wandering... anyways it still months away.. I'l be okay for now... getting ready for the death of a cheerleader! that's me!

Correlation

2010-01-31T09:46:00.003+08:00

Work has eaten a lot of my time this month. I have not visited my page here for a while now and not even my face book. How much more going to a movie? i felt so left out that I have not seen Avatar. There are just so many things to do and time seems to swift.

Tomorrow is already Feb. It just turned 2010 right? another month is about to say goodbye in a few hours.

I`m not really excited about Feb, this too shall pass like any other months. In fact I`wanted to end it as soon as possible.

I`m more excited about March. Its my birthday month. I`d like the beach during summer.

Talking about summer, I have barely 2 months to lose weight. Now I have aged it seems too difficult to lose weight. I`m gaining and gaining and gaining.

Eating has been a stress reliever for me these days. I know its not good but its the only way I know to get energy. I don't have the time to go to the gym with all the things that needs to be finished. i tried fruits and veggie yet at the end of my day I feel like collapsing.

so it hits me, what is the correlation between time management and losing weight. I need to get things in order as soon as possible. I`m not so healthy.

I`m not sure if I`m making sense...

hurting inside

2010-01-13T08:50:00.001+08:00

Dear Stomach,

What have I done wrong? You have been hurting for so long now.

It makes me cry everytime you compel..

my knees shakes terribly, how long will I endure

I grief and every shout dictates pain.

Dear Stomach,

Why are you in pain? I give what you asked.

Please calm down. You have suffered me enough

It's you I have always think about

But you have neglected me.

Dear Stomach,

How can i stop you? Stop you from tormenting me.

I'm on my knees now. Begging..

Why are you refusing?

I give up.

Au Revior 2009

2010-01-01T00:46:00.002+08:00

Je suis reconnaissant.

les grâces.

Je vais énumérer.

un, une bonne santé

deux, connaissances,

trois, famille.

quatre, amis.

et aimer.

Amen.

All About Christmas Wishlist

2009-12-29T03:30:00.008+08:00

I'm easy person to please... i wish nothing but the following:

1. I love Shoes... and I need another pair from PabDer. I like the cow leather, hand crafted, made in Italy, shoes. Don't blame me its my weaknes... hahahah (pa gurl talaga)

2. Influenced by my elder brothers and sisters... I too am a fan of scents...

3. Just the Cardigan... excluding the guy.... @ eye_spy.. I know layering is so over rated fo you as you described it in my other post... But I look good on it... so who cares.. hahahah bleh!

4. Sunglasses... Can't live without one... especially on a bright day after a grave yard shift... Just for some protection for my very tired eyes... cK, Prada, Oakley and the likes will do...

5. My best friend insisted that I need a new phone; so bestie I'm including it in my wish list... nag paparinig lang...

But really, I'm no expensive person... Most of the times the things that I would really-really-really like just happened to be expensive... that's why I save for them and I'd be more than delighted to receive them as gifts! Gifts are meant to be expensive anyways....

New Year's Goal

2009-12-28T14:28:00.002+08:00

New Year's resolution is sooo over rated... Let me set goals instead. Before that I'd like to revisit this year's goal.

My plan of moving out to Manila did not happen... I realized I'm not emotionally ready to be far from home. but I can always visit Manila anytime. yeah I remember Pussycat Doll's Manila Invasion.

Birthday Bash! goal achieved! We went to Bantayan Island for my Birthday. It was grand i think because i was broke after. that was very memorable, eye_spy got drunk and kiss a ___ and he likes it... hahahha (I still have the pic as evidence or for blackmail)

I created this blog this year. we have the same birth date.

September Singapore trip canceled. vacation leave application messed up.

November HongKong trip canceled. I got promoted! and I cannot file VL yet.

yes I got promoted that was my number 1 goal for this year. I worked hard for it. and I achieved it! congratulations!

----

So for next year;

First Quarter - I really need to go to the gym again... for a healthier me. and to prepare for the summer and my birthday. visit a friend in Manila. Perhaps Baguio again this Feb?

Second Quarter - housing project. I need to finish the 3rd floor of our house, where my room is located. it's overlooking with terrace. nice place for barbecue party of 10. what are some expenses to cut? expensive coffee, taxi fare and spa? promise!

Third Quarter - perhaps Universal Studios in Singapore...

Fourth Quarter - wala pang ma-isip...

letter of complaint - Globe Telecom

2009-12-26T17:47:00.002+08:00

Dear Mr. Co,

How was your holiday? I hope you spent it with your family. Mr. President, I have been a globe subscriber for almost 10 years now. Although I have changed numbers and I have the option to switch to a different provider, I still remain to be a subscriber of Globe because I believe in your company until my recent experiences with your Customer Care department.

I understand the service enhancements; these are to better serve us. However, my mobile number has been one of the unlucky few that, is always affected. Last November I called to report to them that I was not able to send a test message. I obediently followed their instructions yet was still unresolved. I was advised to monitor it within 24 hrs. That was quite long for me not to be able to send a sms but I obliged. The next day I called again because I still could not send a sms, even though system enhancement was done two hours after my first call. I asked to speak to a supervisor to have this concern resolved immediately. I was told to wait for 5 business days because this concern had to be sent to technical specialist for further investigation. Don’t you think 5 business days is quite too long not to send an sms?

I had my chance to switch providers but I chose to keep my number because I don’t want to go through the hassle informing my contacts of my new numbers. What about the forms I filled out? How will they be able to contact me if I change my number?

The Customer Service kept on saying that they understood my situation and that they were sorry for the inconvenience but they are not doing anything about it to have it resolved as soon as possible.

I work in a call center, and Customer’s satisfaction is our business! Several supervisors promised to call me to follow up yet I never received a call from them. It very frustrating! This happed to e twice back in November!

Today it happened to me again. Worse, this time I can not send a sms and I can’t call using my mobile phone. I called your Customer Service using our globe landline hoping, still hoping that this will be resolved immediately! Can you imagine unable to contact your friends, family and your clients? To my dismay, your customer care representative, JV hang up on me when I asked to talk to a supervisor. He is more worried of his Average Handling Time, than helping me.

It’s so sad to think, I have been giving excellent Customer Service to Americans to support their product. Yet I cannot get the same excellent Customer Service from a fellow Filipino for our local service. As big as a company, your Customer Service Department is not doing their job. They are not listening to us, customer! They simply hear us and read us back their scripts! They are too apologetic but they are not doing anything about it!

So I called again and spoke to Ms Clarence, one of the supervisors. I offered her a resolution instead of her offering me one! Not so intelligent, don’t you think Mr President? I told her that I will change my number, since unfortunately my number has always been affected by any enhancement. I’d rather send my contacts a new number rather than experience this situation again and calling Customer Service over and over. I asked her to transfer my balance to my new sim since I just reloaded 300 pesos. 300 pesos is not worth my time and effort writing to you and calling customer service to complain. It’s a matter of principle. Ms Clarence said that she has not the capability. Further told her that if she can’t do it then just load my new sim worth 300 as “compliment” or “compensation” although that is my money but she can tag it as it is.

She suggested changing my sim but I will retain the same number and the same balance. But wait, isn’t my number the problem and not my sim? How lame is her suggestion?

Mr President, I’m writing to let you know of my situation. Others may have experienced it as well. It’s more than the technical enhancement, its more of our experience calling your Customer Service. Something is not right and I know you can correct it before I change provider this time.

Thank you for your time reading this.

Sincerely,

Ron - 0927645****

Joyeux Noel

2009-12-26T04:21:00.002+08:00

It's 4:00 AM, Dec 26, 2009. I woke up and realized I spent Christmas sleeping as in the whole day. As if that's something new. I spent Christmas eve in the office, while preparing food for my team and for the account, i can see colorful fireworks display from the window at a distant. It was a sign the midnight is just a few minutes away. i think Christmas are for kids only.

We dont celebrate Christmas at home anymore. its happened when most of us were grownups. So, it really doesn't matter if I'm in the office or I am at home. Although the good thing about in the office is I could spend it with my team. Most of them, it was their 1st Christmas away from their family. Two of my sisters left to Canada, our eldest got married and have his own house away from home. our youngest getting married next year decided to spend Christmas at his fiancee's home. So that would just be me and my mom because my father decided to visit our eldest (celebrating Christmas for his kids). How lonely could that get?! so i told my mom that I'l be working and she could visit our eldest too together with my father. It was only our house not lit for the event.

if Christmas is for kids then why am i feeling lonely. I shouldn't be feeling this way, right? I greeted my mom and dad. then bade goodbye. The moment I stepped in to the cab. the cab driver greeted me Merry Christmas with Christmas Carols in the radio... light-isplays playing lively as we passed by in every house. makes me sob. this is the kid inside me.

Really i have reasons to celebrate for the good things that happened this year... good health. friends, and enemies that made me stronger.

but something is missing... this season shall pass... and I will be alright just like last year!

The things that I don't get

2009-12-21T05:50:00.002+08:00

1. People not minding their own business. Couples fight. understandable because of disagreement, miscommunication or worse you got caught cheating for example. to friends your help may not help at all. so leave them, anyway they will always come to you when they need a shoulder to cry on or a set of ears to listen to.

2. its called breakup because its broken. so why try mending it. get out of denial stage that you don't love him anymore. your actions show the opposite. so what was he doing in your room rummaging your fridge, or did i hear you right you cooked lunch while he was changing the dial of the tv with his new boyfriend on the other side?! Stop because you'll never win him back. and stop pretending that your ok because you're a wreck! tighten that screw in your head! your wearing off!

3. some people say they are not competitive... but for the last hour you were talking about how good you are! Sorry for your loss! boss-not!

4. people sa most good guys are taken. does that mean am bad?! I could always steal them if I want them.. tease!

5. sometimes friends dont make sense... its nicer to talk with a stranger.

2009-12-12T23:00:00.000+08:00

I like what I'm doing or maybe its because I'm in denial that my love life is just like COKE.... Zero!
Yes, work compensates how empty my L-life is. So far my team got good grades.
and I'm more eager to come to work on a Saturday night to maintain it or achieve more.
You know, analyze my team strengths and potentials. Work on their weakness and find ways to improve them.
Just basic stuff a team lead should do.

I've seen them improve and it feels great that you are part of that development.
Knowing that you have helped and its bearing fruits, the satisfaction and happiness
is beyond comparison, other than the fact that their scores are my scores too.

Perhaps, its the same feeling being loved. I cant really remember for it has been so long since the last time
my heart has pumped or was taken cared of. I just hid it in the dark chambers of my chest accented with cobwebs.
Locked with dungeon keys! that big cold rotten custom made iron keys. Take note Keys with an S.

Perhaps I'm more dynamic at work because there is a truth that I couldn't face. A harsh truth that I want to forget for the meantime.
Or, don't mind at least for the meantime. I exhaust myself on something just not to think about it. Somehow, sometimes I'm being reminded of it. Songs in the radio, two people happy together holding each other's hand. Even the simple display of Xmas lights makes me teary. during coffee and smoke break. when my brain stops thinking about my team stat just like today!

This is another cold Christmas. Oh well I've been dreaming of a white Christmas anyways... need to work now...

I'm craving for lamb chops!

2009-12-01T11:50:00.001+08:00

I'm a lioness... the queen of the pride. Creatures bow down as I pass by. Some even dropped on their knees. Hail to the queen of Terabithia. or was that Narnia? whatever!

Its hunting season. and I crave for lamb chops, t-bone and venison. I drool the flavor of real meat. fine cuts and medium rare. it gives me an ecstasy. Hmmm... smells good... I like it husky smell! I bite. every inch of the tendered meat! I tear it with my teeth and play it with my tongue. its mouth watering...

but these days... i have been a sea creature eating lioness... I'm being fed with lobsters, prawns and sea critters. I don't like half baked food. but somehow they fill in my hunger.

would you go for a forest bear, whose blood according to Edward as the finest but is difficult to hunt or would you go for an easy catch like plankton but when too much is taken it hurts.

believe it or not i have a fair share of both... will it be according to class? can I ignore the food chain and try frogs instead hoping that someday it will take like turkey?

seriously.. all I'm really craving for is a Krispy Kremes... not so sweet... crunchy in the outside... soft in the insides. no promises but simply delicious... the hidden fillings that surprises you is a plus and is equally delicious.

its rare to find it here... so i will take every bite like its the last...

you are my krispy kremes and i'll be your starbucks...

wink ;p

what a day!

2009-11-28T05:18:00.005+08:00

I woke up early this afternoon... ok late afternoon... whatever… this afternoon… too early for my night shift... I grabbed my phone to check the messages. I only got one unread message. It was from Rey saying not to forget to eat before I go to work... It was sweet... but when you receive the same message everyday... its like a spoiled bacon... sour... anyway I'm not complaining… at least there's one person who cares... and that other guy?!! He is not worth a word in my blog hahah (taste of bitterness)...

I grabbed a bag of sandwich and orange juice to start my day... took a bath... dressed up... I always like dressing up even when you know people just wear shorts and slippers on a Friday night shift. Oh yeah we can wear rags during weekends… isn’t that grand?

Before coming to work, I went to pay a visit to my cousin. He’s father (my uncle) died last Friday and I never had the chance to visit them. Work wont let me… with all the trainings on top of my shift… My shift ended 12NN… training started 2pm and ended 10pm… my shift the next day started 12MN… and that happened for 2 days…. So sleeping was really not an option… I said my sorry to my cousin… and promised her that I will be there for the burial…

I excused myself and went to work… before coming up I always grab a cup of coffee and puff some sticks… wala lang para relax…

While doing my coaching sheets let me stress, 25 coaching sheets.. I’m on my 20th agent when I started to feel dizzy and my stomach turning upside down. Hyperacidity attack! Orange juice and coffee? Not a good combination… I went to the toilet to let it out…. Took Krimel – S to settle the pain… later after I had an ice cream....

Today was the last day for our certification… four of my agents went to the 3rd and final round. Two did not make it… I didn’t have a tough heart to tell them the bad news so I asked their trainer to break the bad news… it crushed my heart seeing them cry….

Looking back, I had done my best to coach them… pushed them harder… evaluated their weaknesses… gave them tips on how to cope. Discussed them their areas of opportunities… but I just didn’t see them trying hard…

Ironic though… how I wanted the other agent not to pass…. (eye_spy - why did you let her pass?) Now I have to bear with her for another four months before regularization… she better prove her ass or she’ll go down the drain!

Anyways, its a weekend.. I'm looking forward to watch a movie... it has been a while I realized.

What a day…

taken for granted

2009-11-16T05:51:00.002+08:00

Sana ang relationship ay parang Math exam lang. I'm sure I will ace it. Mag review ka lang, practice nag pag solve. analyze konti... sure na perfect ka na sa mid-term exams. If may mali ok lang din 80% naman ang passing eh. Bawi ka na lang sa finals. A 1.3 final grade won't hurt.

I hope a relationship is just like applying for a job, turn in you resume and get interviewed. I'm sure I'll bag it. Discuss mo lang strengths mo. achievements. mention your weakness and things you have been doing to overcome it... Action Plan kung tawagin.

iba ang matters of the heart. mahirap. you always feel you are not good enough. try ko naman best ko. I spare time naman for him. but I'm just taken for granted. I tried to understand him... ayaw naman mag salita kung tatanungin ko if there's something wrong. I'm not mind reader kasi.

I have changed my perspective in a relationship. because the my ideal guy, yung nasa listahan mo like what you like in a person... yeah nakilala ko cya.. perfect talaga yun.. nag match lahat sa listahan ko.. all the charaters I had been lookng for ay nasa kanya... however, my ideal guy broke my heart. therefore nasabi ko sa sarili ko that my list is not perfect after all. Hindi naman ako nag hahanap ng perfect... naging tumpak lang talaga cya sa listahan ko... but I realized my ideal guy is not ideal for me after all.

so iniba ko listahan ko. iniba ko pananaw ko sa isang relationship. somehow, yung ma feel ko that I'm special.. that I'm needed. wala na yang looks sa number 1 spot.... (eye_spy ibaba ang kilay mo) bonus na lang cguro para sa akin...

after two weeks naming hindi nagkita because conflict ng schedule. nagkita kami sa famous mango ave... with his friends and me with my friends. medyo may kalabu-an ang aking paningin.. I have not upgraded my lens and I dont like glasses on me because I look snob already how much more with a glasses. So he grabbed me to get my attention. Hindi lang naman cya nagtanong how am I doing? nor nag send ng sms na lalabas cya.. we could have ccome together. hindi na man cya nag re-reply sa text ko lately...

kung sa work may action plan... when taking a test may review.. pero sa relationship? if its broken.. wala na... hindi mo ma work ang areas of opportunity if the other person is not willing to commit with the action plan. he went home without saying goodbye.. he just left me there...

I tried relationship differently but same lang ang outcome... sayang... nanghina pa naman tuhod ko sa kanya.. hhahahahahha malamig ang simoy nang hangin...

---

I'm not sure if my tagalog is correct and if i spell them right (when do you use yong or yung... kong or kung and the likes).. hahahahha next challenge dapat hindi na taglish...

my promise

2009-11-15T11:52:00.002+08:00

who said that life of a TL is fun.

I used to sleep at least 8 hours a day... now am lucky if i get at least 4 hours.

I used to enjoy my two rest days... I have to go back to the office on a Saturday night to finish a report

I used to care my own stat... now i have to check my team stat.

who needs a planner if your only an agent... My to do list for the next two weeks are now filled!

and more..

However somehow... it feels great... not to be above of everyone but someone to be there for my team. My TEAM.

it is the satisfaction you get for being THE team lead. of course aside from the $$$.

I lost 5 lbs even though I'm not watching what i eat... I normally loss weight if i deprive myself from eating pork and sugar...

am taking pills for extra strength so not to look stress. I only take pills when studying or reviewing... now i need it everyday to keep up.

clothes matter now. people look at you... although even before I always dress up to impress. hhahaha

25 different personalities. One ME. what's keeping me is my promise...

The promise that i will not become the team lead I used to have. (we are good friends... but your just not a good TL for me - not enough). I love my team. i will take care of them.

Behind all these difficulties... at the end of the day.... its satisfying... to know that you are loved by your team as well.

it started with a dream

2009-10-25T03:32:00.006+08:00

I said my last thank you for calling today. I was about to log out at 12pm when my call master rang. Good thing I have not closed my PC yet. It was a memorable call because it was the first thing I've learned in training.

I said my farewell to my account. I love this account.. for six years I've met true friends. who loves me, hates me, made me laugh and made me cry.

it all started with a dream. which I work so hard. even tripled my efforts for I'm not so lucky like others. I faltered. I cried. On the verge of quitting. had planned of moving out to Manila or help with family business. with all the challenges and difficulties, I told myself I have to rise... instead of mourning I converted it into an energy to keep me going (I am an engineer, we love physics). I've learned from my experiences, what went wrong.. evaluated myself and worked on what I lack (talking about tripling my efforts)...

then one day, my attention was called. I was scheduled for interview. my clothes we not appropriate for an interview, the manager did not mind. it went well, i'd hoped.

the following day... my manager asked me to visit her at her desk for a feedback... she was discussing the highlights of the interview and i was waiting for her to say the big BUT... I know I was being jaded. But when she said "Congratulations, you got the job"... I could not help myself to shout in glee. and tears began to fall and I was shaking... a sweet victory... its something that you really worked hard for...

then everyone stood up when they heard me... they clapped and i love the sound of it... i could still remember it... my friends were crying.. tears of joy for they know how hard I worked for it... they were also sad because I'm leaving the account.

Oct 23, 2009 was a great day. That was when I have achieved my dream. I'm newest Team Lead.

no honey in my bed nor ice cream for sex...

2009-10-17T14:17:00.003+08:00

I woke up early this morning feeling so hot... not the sex mood hotness... nor feverish type... my skin was flaming... they wear tearing... the outer skin felt numb but the insides flesh were burning. I'd scratch them to death.. it was very itchy every inch of my cells... I was catching my breath.. they were short...

an ant bite almost killed me.. i hate them.. good thing antihistamine was invented... I had allergic reactions... I thought it was the crab that ate for lunch yesterday... I found the culprit.. and it bit me on my right rib side... how dare this ant attack me while am sleeping.. its not fair..

Rule #1 - no eating in my room especially on my bed.. so no breakfast in bed for me... thanks being thoughtful honey but its a no-no for me... and skip the strawberry and creme for our sex... unless you volunteer to change the sheet before we sleep... no time right after tiresome of banging... maple syrup is inviting.. hey what about sugar free ice cream?.. OK.. this is not about sex...

how ironic because I had to roam the city to check for a pharmacy when we own one?! well, there's nobody home to open it... driving to the city would take about the same time opening our store... and the last time I had an ant attack was eons ago.. and I had not checked my pill box if i still have a supply.

dating

2009-10-17T01:53:00.000+08:00

i dont know for some reason I feel irritable today coming to the office... but its not like its the first... hormonal imbalance? haha.. under sex? I just had one before coming to work...

Somehow my station is sooo hot... ironic the AC is not broken... and I feel hungry.. am looking for chocolate but can't find even just one bar...

I just found out my schedule for December and January... oh yeah... I have work on Dec 24 and Dec 31... for three years now... isn't that grand... Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to me and my bitchiest clients... excuse my french...

no champagne.. no family and no boyfriend... oh yeah am seeing someone now... more of dating stage and getting to know more of each other... but we had sex already... and its often... hahahah

and please I hope it will last for more than a week... it will be a record breaker... he knocks me off my feet ok... made me smile even am in the middle of something.. and sex is the best... rough and dirty... who's the best slut in town? My best friend says its him... oh isn't that one of the reasons why we are friends... cheers to that...

what I like about our sex is... he talks dirty... i never liked talking dirty during sex... .. but there's something on how he says it... shit! ang sarap... sounds like that... to add... mamatay ko bai.. kalami! okay enough of that I'm drooling thinking of it... sigh... I love sex... and its not even fiull moon... hahahha

Full Moon

2009-10-06T01:58:00.002+08:00

I cant help but appreciate the beauty of the moon. When I stare at it at its full state, I'm like mesmerize by its charm. Its glow widens my eyes in awe. not only that... it glows the lust inside me...

Every time i learn that its full moon and when i see it glow in the sky... I can feel a sudden rush of my blood... I feel like burning... I'm not at ease and my breathe is short... and the cool night breeze suddenly changes to warm. I can feel it in my cheeks... I bet i'm turning red... it feels like my muscles are tearing... my ears are are really hot... okay im not a werewolf. but somehow feels like I am...

there's a feeling to hunt... hunt for sex? to satisfy the thirst... coz it feels like i'm ready to explode...

just like today... my cravings were filled... but I'm not satisfied... he was done at first round... when I just felt the heat.. so disappointing when guys cant go up to rounds at least... I want some biting... some slapping... I want it in bed.. in the floor.. in the chair... I want it rough... some pushing... and pulling of hair... dont ask me if it hurts... it does but its a pleasure...

oh well.. until next full moon... i'm just writing it to make me calm... coz i'm off to work now... I cant feel this way...

I love

2009-09-28T23:17:00.004+08:00

I love my best friend! He just came from Manila. I know his flight got canceled twice because of the bad weather. But still I admire his thoughtfulness.

When I learned that he got home late today. I didn't care how tired I was. I just got home from my class too and its already late. When I got his message, I hurriedly picked up my keys and went to his place which is about 15 minutes from my place. I know its late and I still have work early in the morning at 4am. But I went anyways...

I know I have been bugging him about it... and he constantly said no about my plea. But he surprised me and am so happy that it made me write about it...

it was all for a box of Krispy Kremes... I love Krispy Kremes... I wish we have it here in Cebu... but a box coming from Manila would make a difference... hahhaha

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change

2009-09-21T23:17:00.002+08:00

I learned this in my management class that I'm taking. Although the curve was simplified to fit in a business setting. I got startled by the chart for a moment. It made me stare at it. Then I asked myself, where am I in this curve now?

where are you in this curve?

B.U.S.Y.

2009-09-21T23:03:00.003+08:00

I like it when I'm busy..

Like super busy...

my weekly planner is filled out... in black and red inks..

an event to organize... assignments to be completed... projects due... exams to be taken.. books to be read...

work.. and school...

like sleeping is not an option...

coffee on the go... short lunch breaks

i like the rush... no dull moment... time is swift..

because.. when I'm busy... it makes me forget for a moment

how my love life sucks...

hahahah...

my dream

2009-08-23T17:11:00.002+08:00

my friends are living my dreams... Its mine I should be the star... But that's not what's happening. so i ought to find the path of my own... So what do i really like other than shopping and coffee...

I do love to travel. Seeing new places. Appreciate culture. know the history. and of course take pictures. and I mean lots of pictures. experience good food the place can offer... so I dreamed of becoming a flight attendant. unfortunately am 3 inches short than the height requirement. and I don't think a bottle of cherifer a day will help. so I give up on the thought anyhow I can travel in any other way.

when I was a kid I had always wanted to become a scientist. Science and mathematics had always been my favorite subjects. I don't like language subjects like English and Filipino. that's explains the grammar so no further questions please.. I cant live without spell checks too. So I thought of becoming a research assistant. continue my studies abroad at the same time travel. Perhaps I didn't plan my life well after graduation. because that was five years ago already and scholarship programs are out of my reach. well a good friend of mine back in college made it.. He is based in Amsterdam now. I think he has proven a theory or something like that. He has travelled Europe and the Americas. oh well my only consolation is he invited me to come to Europe. hope he'll ask me to be his research assistant. come to think of it I beat him back in college.

I know love stories are not tailored to perfection. but my best friends seems t be happy with his boyfriend. they been together for almost 4 years now. through thick an thin. now how come I can't have that kind of relationship?! it would be a better picture to be with someone when you travel right? Other than my friends, no one can tolerate me.. so I have accepted that.

life has many ways.. if you choose the wrong path then go to the other.. no reason to stop. don't blame. every experience is a lesson learned. makes us wiser. to be happy is to be content. But never run out of goals. it serves as true north. it gives direction.

so never give up. make things happen. although there are some who are lucky their path are being laid for them. but for some of us.. we have to double our efforts. too bad we can't have them all...

oh yeah?!

2009-08-19T21:23:00.004+08:00

There was breaking in my room last Sunday dawn. I was deep asleep. Blame the weather. It was pouring heavily. Most of the stuffs that were taken were not mine. My brother lost his digi cam worth 30T php, his hp worth 20T php and his piggy bank that had 15T php. That was big money!

I always thought I was safe in this community and that I have good neighbors. oh yeah there are drug addicts.. but i know most of them... not that i jam with them or something.. we are blood related.. they are my cousins... not all of them though...

this one guy named Jason... I haven't seen him.. i never had the chance to see his face. believe it or not just got out from prison... scary neighborhood i know...

as usual the police came late.. he had flown away... by the way the reason why we knew it was him because we have witnesses. And unfortunately we were not the first case in the area. Too bad so sad we were not alarm before the incident could happened... like we have double locks.. A thief will always be a thief and will always finds way to break in.

It was really a nice Sunday morning for me. I had enough sleep which is rare lately until my brother told me the news that he lost some things...

too bad so sad right.. well.. what happened has happened... so i let it go...

I'm more excited though of the future...

My friend from Netherlands invited me to visit him. Its going to be a three-month vacation.. I'm really excited because its going to be the time of my life... enjoy life no one escape from it alive... we'll visit Brussels, Paris, Venice, Rome, Berlin maybe London and Copenhagen...

It's not going to be an all-expense paid trip... i have to do my share.. I have a year to save... he said I don't need Millions.. some grands will do...

so here are some saving tips:

- car pool instead of taxi... save 50% of fare daily..
- minimize expensive coffee... settle for instant coffee in the meantime... better yet get coffee from the pantry because it for free..
- pack lunch instead of buying... lunches prepared at home are more healthy anyway and its free
- minimize shopping to once a month rather than every pay day and buy only what's necessary.
- less spa visit.
- minimize weekend gimmicks instead read books and related literature for a case study that I'm doing.
- the goal is to keep 65% of my income... and budget the rest..

I'm open for suggestions...

The five things I will do with my 30 million

2009-07-22T08:51:00.003+08:00

1. Visit France. I must have a picture with the Eiffel Tower as my background.

2. Go north and ski. I like snow and make snow angels. (corny right)

3. Buy a ranch. I enjoy horseback riding.

4. Buy shoes.. lots of pairs of shoes in Italy and of course pasta.

5. Amanpulo... sun, sand and the beach..

missing piece

2009-07-09T21:21:00.000+08:00

Imagine a big puzzle board.

its 2' W x 3' L in size.

A friend gave it to you as a present.

It wasn't easy.

Somehow it was confusing.

But you were having fun trying to figure it out.

you love it.

it makes you smile.

It took you days to solve it.

Or almost...

beacuse you are missing a piece.

How would you feel?

Will you look for the missing piece?

or will you let it go..

he is almost perfect except that...

A Little Fall of Rain

2009-07-06T14:30:00.002+08:00

You saying;

" 'I am here'

is all i need to know..."

-les miserables

gold coins

2009-07-04T06:46:00.003+08:00

life is a Farm Town.

You plow.

You plant.

You harvest.

along the way you earn gold coins.

then step up to the next level.

visit some friends.

make new friends.

---

this is the new craze I'm into. Although this too shall pass. I just want to make use of the time I have. Actually it has become addictive that it's taking most of my time now even my time to party. Which is a good thing for now as I promised July is no party month. so far so good.

Here are some gold coins I have learned from the company I am working now.

Tardiness

I had been always late even at a simple friends gimmick (its fashionably late they say). I had been late for school back in high school even though I just live next block to my school. I could hear when the morning ceremony starts. How much more in college when USC-TC was like an hour and half away. That had been my excuse.

Everything has change when I started working. I'm always on time and most of the time too early. I have learned to value the time of others. Time is gold.

Patience

I was hot tempered. Touch my things and you would see them flying. You would see it coming to you face. I hated standing in line. I hated waiting.

Working with impatient customers made me see myself and realize how ugly it is. Patience is a virtue.

Humility

I used to not know this word. I was always on top of the game. Bring it on. 'A runner up is the first loser!' I had always thought. I was competitive. I was like the best of the best. Don't blame me, I was raised to be an achiever! an A1 student. an outstanding graduate!

You don't have to be the best agent to bag the position you want. You don't even have to be the most intelligent to be successful. It tore my heart. I learned to be humble the hard way. "Do you wish people to think well of you? Don't speak well of yourself."-Blaise Pascal

and there are more gold coins to collect. I have decided I will stay... for now.

I've got some wierd P

2009-06-29T11:34:00.002+08:00

My first weekend of no-night-out, no wasted-drinking, no guys-hooking and no pills. It started early as planned. This is it. Will I last for a month?

It was tough but I made it. There were lots of invitations I turned down. People were shocked. But guys you have to get used to it. It's just for a month. Its for a better cause. There are things I want to tame down. I guess its too much partying. I want to find something else I want to do other than that.

I told them my mom set a curfew, that is 10pm. Just like back in college. My friends know that my mom is super strict. They can't believe i oblige to it when this was the rule I always break before. To top that, I work at a night shift. Sometimes, I'm unbelievable but take it as it is. No further explanation.

And to J, sorry to break your heart last night. I know you wanted to see me. But you know what if you really wanted to be with me you could have come to my place and bring food. I told you I was hungry and that there were no food shop open near by, not even a bbq stall.

Anyhow, I got hooked with Facebook especially Farm Town. Its a good way to realize its not easy to earn money that you have to work hard to earn it.

But this entry isn't about that. My mind was toggling between Facebook and my glass of blue kamikaze. So I stop what I was doing and lit a cigarette and started to ponder;

- I'm an emotional buyer. When I feel blue I always head for a retail therapy. If there something I didn't achieve especially if I really really want it and I did not get it, expect you will see me wearing new shoes, shades, clothes, bag or bringing a gadget. So, if you want to be my friend, prepare your legs for mall strolling. When I'm inspired I love to treat my friends for food or coffee and I even cook for them.

- I'm good to my friends. I'm loyal most of the time. I even fight their wars. You can be bitchy but not on me. Try to lose my trust and I will drop you like a hot potato. Like as if we never met and I dont know your name. But most of the time I'm really patient. Just dont expect no revenge. Revenge is the sweetest word!

- For the record, i admit, I'm bratty. But all I want is for us to have fun. Its not just for me?! I'm mostly spontaneous. Come with me or cold war are the only options. Sweet talking is my forte especially to my brothers and sisters.

-I can be mean so beware. But I can be sweet too. You choose.

Play your cards right. and to J, I don't think you can handle me. So keep your distance before you fall because I have no plans of catching you. It was just a one night stand. Accept that. Peace.

PS

I may have a strong personality but in bed am a slave for you. Blind fold me, tie me and bite me. Am all yours ;)

Mid-Year Resolution

2009-06-22T07:33:00.003+08:00

What's up with me. I've been partying like there's no tomorrow. I'm just a little disappointed, I guess. There are things that are not meant to happen even how badly you wanted it and how hard you worked for it. Now I don't want to dwell on that emotion, where you are sad. I've been there! It was dark. I don't like it.

I choose to be happy. I party. You can feel the presence of your friends. They are all happy. But I guess I went overboard. Because I've been spending too much. haha my savings, the money, my supposed relocation money, it's half gone.

Maybe I'm a little spoiled brat. Five of my friends say so. They confirmed it. Partying is my tantrums. hahaha beat that. One time I told an office-mate/friend that I wont not talk to him Monday if he wont come with us Saturday night. Imagine, we were already in his area and if he won't go out, oh!, he better must have a good reason! I'm glad he made it.

Another friend, rushed to fix himself because I'm already outside waiting for him without prior notice. It's my forte. I love it spontaneous. Thanks eye_spy for bearing with me.

So blame my brothers and sisters. I was their baby. Well, I'm still!

But seriously, I'm not bratty. I don't always get what I want. Anyway, what's wrong with getting what you want when I always share. That's another point.

The point here is, July is no party month. Will I last? Let me enumerate the pros. no cons. This is for the good.

1. Save. At a weekend night gimmick I spend an average of 1500 php. There are four weekends in a month so that is a sum of 6000 php. That's already 1 pair of PabDer shoe and a top at People are People. Okay focus... Save.

2. A bottle of beer has how many calories? I need to watch my weight. I hate it when my dates say they like me because I'm chubby. which happened again last week. Come on guys don't be mean I'm no longer eating. I'm not fat. Four weeks with no drinking that's a lot of calories.

3. I don't want to bug my friends. If they don't want to party then I guess its fine. Now that I will not be partying in July then no one will bug them.

4. There must be other ways of being happy.

5. Most good guys don't hang out in a bar!

My best friend made it. Now he is a Stepford wife. I missed partying with you bestie but now I'm joining you in your endeavor!

Taking A Bow

2009-06-18T20:53:00.000+08:00

Here I am again in the middle of an intersection. Contemplating which road to take. It seems all access are dead end. How I wish I can hover and see which path to take. But we can never cheat life, or can we?

My Manila dream is fading. I always make things happen. But for some reason I don't know what but some things are keeping me from moving out to Manila. Are these signs warning me not to take that road?

So I guess I'm bound to stay here in Cebu. I'm grateful for whatever blessings that came and for the things to come. So let me count them.

- I'm happy to be with my parents who are so loving and I thank my mom for the delicious food she serves everyday. Chili crab can make my day!

- My brothers and sisters who spoil me with what I want. Sis, I think I need a week vacation to Singapore. Can you pay the air fare again please? By the way, I need another bottle of Hugo Boss.

- My nephews and nieces who never failed to melt my heart as they plea.

- To my cousin, yes I'm thinking about your invitation. Let my fly to Hongkong if you keep your promise that you will let me stay in your pad!

- I'm grateful for my friends who are ever supportive of my plans. My friends who are so ever ready when I need them to share both my pains and joy. Never ending Saturday night gimmicks. My crying like a river moments. cam whoring. island hopping. out of town trips. long joy rides. pigging moments like its the last day of the world. overflowing alcohol.

- to my mentors who never gave up. Who continue to believe in what I can do. Let me compose myself and I will try again.

Again, Manila is just 45 minutes away from the airport. I can always visit there anytime or I will wait when Cebu Pacific offers seat sale. Let me take a bow for this dream before it stresses me. Its not for me to live.

Who wants to go shopping with me this weekend? I need new pairs of shoes.

It was fun being lost!

2009-06-13T20:36:00.005+08:00

My Manila trip was a blast. Although it was short but it was the longest 48 hours ever... Yeah I was sleepless even the bed at Sofitel looks inviting. But the city has a lot to offer even at 3am...

My flight from Cebu was supposed to be 6:40am... Cebu Pacific was 30 minutes early. I was surprised that it made me kept checking my flight details. Oh yes.. that was my plane.

I arrived early in Manila. There was a long queue for the yellow cab. My friend was eagerly waiting in Diamond Hotel so I took the line that was less taken. It cost me a fortune for a very short distance. But I didn't mind because I wanted to have fun.. The cabby driver stared at me with curiosity. Then asked me if I knew that Diamond Hotel is a five star hotel... I simply answered him, "I didn't and your business is to take me there!" Thanks for the doubt and yes I can afford it...

When I arrived, I realized it was not a five star hotel as mentioned by the cabby driver. Yeah its a nice hotel facing Manila Bay. I think it was just a three star... i may be wrong though... One thing am sure Shang is way way way better. Their breakfast was good though especially the crispy bacon. All courtesy to my friend.

By noon we transferred to Sofitel to be closer to Mall of Asia. We had VIP tickets to the PCD concert. The girls were great but I did not expect it was an open field. I'm just used to sure seats kind of concert. Left of me was a pretty girl to realize it was Francine Prieto. No wonder she looked familiar, I've seen her on TV.

I was on my way to Fort Bonifacio noon that day. I learned to take LRT and MRT because no cab would take me from Malate area to Fort Bonifacio. Often times, I got the wrong lane. So i had to go down, crossed the highway and climbed to the other side of the station.

What can I say to their sky-walk in powder pink and blue color... It needs a cover to call it covered-walk. Mainit! Other than that I had fun. It was great people walking fast to get to their destination.. I like that.

The moment I entered Fort Bonifacio I said to myself that I belong here! I have to work here. I had an appointment at 3pm. I arrived two hours early since I took MRT. I alighted at Buendia station and took a cab going to Fort Bonifacio. I stayed at Gloria Jean to kill the time and to freshen up.. I prefer Starbucks but couldn't seem to find it.

When clock hit 2:30pm I went back to 30th st cor 4th ave for my interview. I waited and waited... 20 mins had passed for my interview so I approached the receptionist to ask what's the hold up. and she told me to wait. So I went back to my seat and patiently counted sheep hoping I would not fall asleep. An hour and a half have passed I didn't hear my name got called. I have to be done by 5:30pm so I wouldn't be caught in the traffic so I could go back to my hotel to change for the concert. Times up I couldn't wait any longer... So i went down and walked away an interview of a lifetime...

I don't know if there was a mis-communication. But I don't think so because I received a reminder message from the interviewer the night before. Or maybe we have a different definition of what the word an appointment is. If that's how they treat their applicants I wonder how they treat their agents... Anyhow I contacted them to have my interview rescheduled..

On my way back, I cant believe a cabby driver asked my to alight in the middle of a highway. He refused to go to Glorrieta because he might be stuck in the traffic. So there I was in the middle of overlapping roads... in a big city and in a middle of I don't know where! For 15 mins my world stopped, I kept asking myself where I am and how to go back to the hotel. all the cabs that passed by are either taken or refused to bring me to my hotel cause its still quite far... So I walked until I saw Ayala Station! MRT saved my day! I went south to Taft Ave took a cab to CCP complex then to Sofitel.

It was fun being lost!

Alright Guys I Need Directions

2009-06-10T06:46:00.003+08:00

1. How to get to The Fort from the airport?

I have made my research. Tell me if its right. If I want to ride MRT3, from Taft Ave to Ayala Ave/Buendia Ave. Then ride a cab to The Fort area? 4th ave cor 30th ave is the address... If I take cab from the airport.. how far is it?

2. Hows the traffic during 1pm to 3pm? In malate area... Makati area and The Fort Area... I still dont know my Hotel yet is...

3. If I leave The Fort by 5:30pm will I get to Mall of Asia before 7:00pm? Will the traffic be heavy that time? What's the best way? is it by cab? heheheheh

Need help...

what the!

2009-06-07T05:07:00.002+08:00

Just when you have fun....

Your ex decided to show up....

what a bull?!

But when your crush comes to the rescue...

everything is okay.

I just laughed at him when he puked in public... hahaha

he is ruined!

random thoughts

2009-06-07T01:05:00.002+08:00

1. I noticed that most guys in my floor at work don't wash their hands after using the toilet. Come on guys stop spreading your virus.

2. When being mean is no longer funny. A friend of mine is playing bitching games with me. it's hard to trust people these days. just wait until I turn my back on you. I will show no mercy!

3. Night at the Museum was not that bad as I thought. I had a good laugh.

4. I have porridge for two weeks now. My tummy still aches with solids.

5. what am I doing with my PC on a Saturday night...

got to go... somebody just texted... party!

VIP

2009-06-02T22:49:00.002+08:00

I just purchased a plane ticket online going to Manila...

It was very impulsive of me... I know I have other priorities...

But I just can't say no to a dear friend who bought VIP tickets to the Doll Domination...

Oh Yes going to Manila for the Pussycat Dolls concert this June 11, 2009

Its free for me...

I love my friends....

Premonition

2009-05-21T01:40:00.002+08:00

I'm glad my premonition is wrong again. I'm a weirdo!

All of a sudden this guy's name popped in my head and its been going on for several weeks now. I tried to ignore it because I thought it will just stop but it didn't. It became very disturbing even at my sleep. it was vague but I know something is wrong!

He used to be my classmate in high-school and very shy-silent type of guy. I dont know why him of all people. I never had close encounter with him and we are not even close friends. We were merely hi-hello. So why me and what's the message?

I tried googling his name to find his whereabouts but nothing came up. checked with facebook, multiply and friendster. the same thing... NADA

So I posted a bulletin in friendster to help me find him. A friend of mine from Canada remembered him and he is on his friends list. He is now in Manila attending school at ICC. Wow he has grown, he used to be very skinny. He plays basketball, I dont reckon him playing ball back then. People really change and he loves to cook too.

whatever that was I'm glad he is okay.

Poll: True or False

2009-05-17T19:52:00.003+08:00

The only person who can mend your heart is the one who broke it?!

recipe

2009-05-17T19:21:00.001+08:00

Mom and I normally spend time together in the kitchen. We pretend to be Iron Chefs. It is a good time for us to talk about issues and decisions that made her who she is today and what I will become in the future. Talk things over cup of coffee (oh yeah we are coffee addicts) while we also prepare a sumptuous dinner. I have always been interested in cooking and from whom should I get the best tips - yeah from my mom and she makes wonders!

It was many years in the past that both of us didn't agree a lot. I was younger back then and my ideas were far-fetched from reality. I think misunderstanding within family relationship is normal.

I am glad that things are okay now between us. I have learned to appreciate the things that she do. And she is becoming to be more comfortable with the decisions I made. I have proved myself to be trust worthy.

I will surely miss these bonding moments. Happy Mother's Day! I know I'm a week late.. hahah

For tonight my recipe is:

Gambas (courtesy of PinoyRecipe.NET)

Gambas Recipe Ingredients:

1 kg (2lb) medium prawns, peeled (heads, tails and shells discarded)
Juices of 3-4 calamansi
1/4 cup olive oil
Cloves of 1 hole head of garlic, peeled and crushed
Dash Tabasco (or other hot pepper sauce)
Salt and pepper to taste
Parsley, to garnish (optional)
Sliced green chili, to garnish (optional)

Gambas Recipe Cooking Instructions:

Marinate peeled prawns in calamansi juice for about 30 mins.
Heat oil in a frying pan or wok and sauté garlic until almost brown.
Add prawns and stir fry until fully cooked, about 2 to 3 mins. Do not overcook.
Season with hot pepper sauce and salt and pepper to taste. Transfer prawns to a serving dish together with the garlic. If desired, garnish with parsley and chili.

PLAN A

2009-05-17T11:48:00.000+08:00

I received a text message from a friend. Somehow I agree to it. It goes like this:

" if PLAN A doesn't work out... don't worry... you've got 25 more letters.. don't give up easily!"

I have said my piece at work that I'm leaving soon. It saddened to most people especially my friends. Except for my supervisor who told me that I will regret my decision.
Clearly she doesn't know me well... I am not the type who regret doing things. I have been to hell, got broke and back. I never regretted the poor decisions I made. Those were decisions that were impulsively made because of emotion overload. Newsflash; I'm still alive.

I'm really working on about being impulsive. So with this big plan that I'm about to take; I list some pros and cons. I've better be prepared before going to a battle. My supervisor commented that quitters are losers. I replied to her that I'm not quitting I'm just changing my battlefield! and she shut her mouth.

Here are some pros and cons about transferring to Makati:

Pros
- I will have a chance to start all over again. No one knows me and they will know me on my works and not subjectively.
- Maturity level increases about 10 more times when you are independent. You'll learn how to budget your money and decide on your own without the influence of my parents, elder brothers and sisters and close friends.
- I will have the chance to know myself better. We have to be lost to find ourselves.
- learn new skills at work. I'm currently on my comfort zone. It scares me that I will not grow because of the routine. Seems like there nothing more to learn. Come to think of it, its my first job.
- Makati is just 45 minute away by plane. I can visit my parents like on a weekend. compared to going to Singapore or Canada.
- living my dream; I've always want to study in a big university. Perhaps when everything is well I can go back to school and finish my masters program.

Cons
- Makati is more expensive than Cebu. Plus I will be paying rents. isn't part of the 'budget you money wisely' challenge?
- I don't know anyone in Makati not a relative nor a close friend. I will be a complete stranger. I'm friendly so I think that will be easy!
- Language barrier. I can hardly speak my own language now I have to learn Tagalog.
- Most people say Tagalogs have superiority complex. I'm not sure about it, I haven't dealt with them. But I have superiority complex too and star complex to add to it.
- party is more crazy than in Cebu; I made a deal to my self that I'm going to Makati to work and not to party.

so there, two months and two weeks more or could be less...

In all fairness to my supervisor, she is actually a friend but I just don't like her as my supervisor. She cant seem to separate her two roles. So tell me what other things I need to be scared to live in Makati?

Les 25 choses à mon sujet...

2009-05-16T18:42:00.001+08:00

It's Never Too Late To Start Again

"Look at Nature
Nothing stays the same
Why should you?
Use change wisely
Like a sporting champion, change a losing game
Keep the things that matter
Lose the things that don't
Set some goals
Start afresh"

what good way to start again is:

Les 25 choses à mon sujet...

1. Although I graduated as a civil engineer with a GPA of 1.75 and a plastic card holder (which I have never used yet and I am paying a yearly tax), I work as one of the voices behind the 1-800 number. I have been saying 'thank you for calling and have a great day!' for almost six years now on the same company.

2. I have tendencies to be mean! However am a very loyal friend. Knock my door at midnight and I would take that shovel to dig the grave of an enemy you just killed.

3. I love shoes. The ones that are not made in China and claimed they are Italians. I like them light and comfortable. No snake leather for me, never!

4. I love coffee. Starbucks. I even bought my own coffee maker to share it with my parents. They love coffee too. Our blood is a mixture of hemoglobin and coffee. I can consume more than 3 cups in a day. Wanna grab a cup?

5. I love to cook for someone. Gourmet Ala Quick-Fire. wanna try?

6. I love crabs. Okay any crustaceans will do especially crabs. Love them spicy!

7. A Beach bum! I just learned skim boarding.

8. I am allergic to ants. A sting of an ant could kill me. The allergic reaction is called Anaphylaxis. It can occur to 1% of people stung by ants. Lucky me, right. Feels like winning in the lottery. So, no eating in my room. No whip cream during sex in my bed.

9. I am fond of eau de toilette. My personal favorites are Hugo Boss Army, Ralph Lauren Polo Sport, Polo Black Cologne by Ralph Lauren, Lacoste Pour Homme and Bvulgari Aqua. Wow that's a long list! and yeah they are generic. At least now you know what to give for my Birthday (March 13)

10. I am a tech blond! What is Java Scripting? who cares right? Whatever!

11. I can speak Cebuano, English (American and Australian), French and Parcel Tongue. I am now learning Tagalog and It's hard. My accent is really stiff! I sound funny I think. I will be relocating in Manila soon so I need to practice hard. One time I went to Baguio for a vacation, I met a Britt guy who can fluently speak Tagalog. It was embarrassing for me because he was good and his accent didn't sound funny!

12. I am an alcoholic! Tagay bai! cheers! à la votre! The spirits that I like are Jägermeister, Jose Cuervo, Absinthe, Absolut and Chivas Regal. I also like RH, stands for red horse. I passed out uhm less than five times and really made a fool of myself. I fell off the ledge, hugged my toilet bowl and woke up with an office mate butt naked in my brother's bed. Its not going to happen again...

13. I'm a dragon. Marlboro Gold is my brand of cigarette. Somehow, I don't have enough reason to quit yet.

14. I asked my friends to describe me, they said I'm naughty, promiscuous and complicated! huh? I don't know where are these coming from? I am not...

15. I am always mistaken as a snob when I'm just really shy! seriously!

16. I'm not fanatic. One time my friend was jumping and giggling like she was about to get a heart attack only she was like smiling ears to ears. She looked possessed. She was screaming on top of her lungs I thought she'd seen a ghost. I needed to see a doctor because it was deafening. Jake Cuenca passed by. I was like inches away and I didn't recognize him. But I admit I'm crazy about One More Chance; it made me cry. Tanging Ina made me laugh out loud. Hilarious! How silly is that?

17. I love to sing but my friends they always beg me if I can just dance instead. No further details.

18. Many people think I am a high maintenance person... Really I am just a simple person. who like simples things. I'm not even interested with jewels and other body accessories.

19. I don't like tattoo but I like to have my tongue pierce. One day when my job requires less talking.

20. I use knife and fork.

21. I don't J-walk.

22. Orange color makes my skin looks like a disease. I envy people who looks good in t-shirt. I love costume parties

23. I collect key chains with names of places printed on it. The farthest I have is Austria.

24. I am an impulsive buyer. but I'm doing something about it.

25. I am a bad liar! So, be the judge...

This is me signing off...

2009-05-05T05:20:00.002+08:00

I dont know how to start it...

I cant seem to sort the words in my mind...

All I want to say is...

Thank you and goodbye...

of waiting part 2

2009-05-03T09:50:00.002+08:00

10AM

I realized my friends were not busy at all for me.. So we watched wolverine together... then grab some alcohol last night....

I was about to send an sms my QA supervisor that I couldn't make it to his b-day party when a friend of mine informed me that they had an accident...

The car crashed... went turned turtle... am supposed to be on that car too... I dont know the details yet... hopefully they are okay...

of waiting

2009-05-02T06:00:00.001+08:00

5:20AM

My friends are kinda busy these days with their normal lives. I can't bug them always like to go out or something. That's what I hate being single. Anyway, it's not the issue here.

My QA supervisor invited me for an out of town trip last Thursday to celebrate his birthday. I kinda say yes to him that I'm going... together with some officemates. It's gonna be another lets-morning-the-night drinking session... Oh yeah am an alcoholic..

Road trip will be happening at 2PM today. I haven't packed my bag and am still at work till 12 noon. I dont know why I'm not so excited... part of me wants to go... AND

part of me... uhm...

I'm actually having second thoughts about this out-of-town-/slash/-road-trip...

Because I'm waiting for this someone...

and for the love of ----

"call me or text me, where you are and what are your plans for tonight"

I'm actually waiting for this guy to ask me out tonight to watch Wolverine... oh yeah I love X-Men

I'm waiting in vain...

"and damned it! You six more hours left..."

Or i'l be on the road with my skimboard, beer and chicharong bulaklak...

I normally dont do the asking... its NOT me... and I wont change... not even for this intance... .

So I will wait...

"...or Forever Hold Your Silence"

Angel sent

2009-04-28T05:33:00.001+08:00

Have you have this feeling that you are being watched? Or

Somehow, someone taps your thoughts. And

Reads your mind... Scary.

I guess its from too much watching TV...

I secretly am watching CHARMED in my room...

What can I say, Chris H. (Drew Fuller) from season 6 is really a cutee...

Anyhow...

Whenever I'm in pensive mood..

with my cup of coffee and a cigarette...

about the future... failures... love... just about anything

what needs to be done.... what's not to do...

whenever I'm on that moment...

What's weird is...

The next thing I know... I'm reading about it...

A stranger writes about it... Letting me know I'm not the only one experiencing it...

Feels like the message is address directly to me...

someone assures that whatever hell I'm going through right now... I can handle it... and that I'l be fine...

whenever I have a question... someone answers it...

I receive surprise calls from friends... distant friends...

I'm grateful... really I am... but

how'd they know...

angel sent?

Letter to my mom

2009-04-23T01:58:00.002+08:00

Dear Mom,

Thank you for the good food. However, please dont feed me camote during working days. It is very inconvenient! This is my fourth visit to the John's.

Sincerely,

R

PS

I love camote paired with butter.. hehehe

Random Thoughts

2009-04-20T22:41:00.001+08:00

1. I can't decide what to buy among PSP, digital cam or an Ipod. Love to have the three...

2. Lingering the moment when I finally learned how to skim board. That was last weekend and I had fun.

3. I love my best friend; he bought me my Starbucks' clear venti-size Frappuccino tumbler, the one with a straw. Somehow they always run out of it.

4. My masseur made me laugh out loud during the massage and somehow it relieved the stress. Bet it was emotional stress than muscle pain.

5. It's just another manic Monday... NOT! I feel fine that is unusual for first day of work.

A Cup in Hand - Lets Talk

2009-04-16T23:52:00.002+08:00

A cup of coffee starts my day.
I always take time like about 2 hours before my shift to stay at Bo's for my hot coffee mocha.
I love Starbucks really but we don't have Starbucks in our building, sad to say.
Light a couple of sticks of cigarette.
Somehow warms up my day or should I say night since am on a night shift.
Life of a typical call center agent.

Over time I have met people from different accounts.
They have the same routine as mine.
Eventually we became friends.
We love to talk about anything but work.
Aside from the fact about non-disclosure agreement, it just pukes us to talk about work.

Except for this one. She asked me why I'm leaving.
I told her it is about a lot of things.
One of them is the promotion that I had been working so hard yet I did not ace it.
I told her about how I feel and all... that I'm better than some other applicants who got the position.
Call it bitterness I don’t care anymore... Life has to go on for me and my mind is fixed about going to Manila anyway.

Here's the irony.

She got promoted. Different position from what I applied for.
It bothers her how other applicants think of her. I mean, questions about why she got the position.
These people think they are better than her and all the bitterness.. just like what I did (I think)
Seriously, why is she telling me this? when I feel the same way. Although not towards her. (remember we did not apply for the same position)
She asked for comfort and what I think about it... ( I guess that's what friends are for)

Damn she is really affected. So here's my cents about it ( I should know better I was on their shoe right)

1. When I said I'm better than some other applicants who got the job, I did not tell them on their faces that I'm better than them! Of course not. Although I have proofs that I'm way better! hahaha (can you smell bitterness) I maybe mean but that is not how I crush people hearts. It’s not cool. I sleep with their boyfriends that’s how! Hahaha. See, I can laugh about it now...

2. Told her that these people are not mad at her... They are mad at themselves and on the situation. One time she mentioned that her enemies are growing. I told her not to consider them her enemies, she'll be working with them... and that some of them might be under her. It will pass.

3. She said it's difficult to handle them. Yes indeed because they are as experienced as her. Told her to recognize their strengths more. But also make a room for improvement. No one is perfect!

4. Work with them and not against them. Although, not to the point she'll kiss their ass!. Told her "Girl, you have to remember always that you are now ahead of them." but keep your feet on the ground.

5. There are agents that have attitudes.. I guess like me... Delegate tasks but not responsibility!

6. Told her it’s not their time yet. I believe in perfect timing. But my time in this company is up!. Life is a continuous learning process. Once you’re stuck in your comfort zone, learning stops as well! (I got that from my manager)

7. Read Maxwell’s books.. they are available in Fully Booked. They only cost about $500

8. There is always a good way to say bad things. Before doing PEP sessions, prepare your words. Some agent are sensitive. Don’t start a sentence with a NO! ( I can be good sometimes.. hahah)

9. I believe in Fish philosophy!

10. Enjoy the promotion! She deserves it I told her!

there... Hope you learn something... I realized that I'm good... and if this company can't see that... I'm hoping that there's one out there who can!

By the way, S, thank you for the cup of coffee and congratulations. I'm happy for you.... Seriously!

Bar Fights

2009-04-16T00:36:00.000+08:00

I find bar fights amusing. I know.. I know, I'm weird and all. It highlights the party. I have a fair share of experiences... not that I started them. Most of the time I am cool headed even under the influence of alcohol.

Its fun to look at people loses their minds. Intoxicated by too much alcohol. It's a good entertainment seeing those fools. Wrestle in the dance floor. fist fights. Shout on top of their lungs and exchange mean words. Making the F-you and F-you back signs with matching wacky faces.

Thank gawd none of them end up dead though... I'm not interested to witness blood scattered all over the floor...with a broken forehead. Nor a knife struck on someone's beer belly. I would faint on the smell of a blood. Rustic.

Some scenes are like couples fighting. It's an average show and it's embarrassing. Others are like long time enemies and they’ve seen each other in the bar. There's this girlfriend snatching scene; note: guys blame your girlfriends because they are flirt. Men only take baits made by your tease girlfriends. What's scary is gang fights... especially that one that involves guns...

Most of the time the reasons were shallow. Guys got mad for brushing shoulders. first of all you are in a crowded bar. so what's the fuss?! Some guys have seen their girlfriend dancing with another guy. for all you know, the guy was an old friend. A glass of beer was accidentally poured on your face. take off your shirt, wipe your face and everyone will praise your gorgeous body. isn't that cool?

There's one on one or two on one. What's pitiful is a gang on one.

I just laugh at my own experiences. I'm cool and mostly sane. Good thing nothing major happened.. just a few stitches.. kidding. okay, there were slight cuts. One time I went to Baguio for the Panagbenga. Three empty bottles of San Mig light landed on my feet... as to who threw them.. I have no clue. When the first two bottles were thrown, I ignored them. When the third bottle happened, I left the place and went back to my hotel. see I'm not hot tempered. I went home the following day.

One time I went to Halo bar, which has just re-opened. I ended up in Waterfront not the hotel but Waterfront Police Station... hahaha.. it was really humiliating inside that police car. Nothing really happened to me, my friend got all the bruises.

at a different bar, there were about seven guys ganged on me. I got scared naturally.. they kept pushing me (I can still remember the music that was playing, it was Push the Button) until I got cornered. I hate friends that time because they just left.. The guys were hip-hop type with the baggy pants and all the bling-bling. they really look stupid! and trying hard to sound Californian with their local accent... trying to be cool... they looked like chiwawa barking at me... I mean they were ugly and short dressed in oversized clothing.. They left me when they realized I would not fight back and told them they got the wrong person.

Thank gawd I still have complete set of ribs. The only injuries I got from clubs were cigarette burns.. ice cube flying on the air... someone bit me (the hell I don’t know why).. arm bruises.. you know when bar gets crowded people just grab you... and I trip from the ledge, oh yes! i was younger back then and very drunk when it happened.

Running

2009-04-14T22:07:00.000+08:00

I was a good runner. When I was a kid I won first place for the 100 meter dash in our school. Boy, I was fast as Flash. Although, I was really a fan of Spiderman. I kind of forgot my speed, you know, in m/s.

Recently, the head of our Frisbee team invited me to join them. One time he saw how fast I run during one of our team buildings. I remembered we were playing "Japanese games" that night, I was intoxicated but I beat their asses. They were surprised because I'm not that athletic. I don’t have a body of a god, besides I smoke. It was a wonder where I got my endurance.

I even bought a running shoe from Nike. It cost me a fortune but its okay I love shoes. Anyhow, not that I use it for the same old drill. It is just my treadmill shoe.

Anyhow this post is not about how fast I run but how good I am at running.

One time when I was a kid I was told not to play with the match box. I was so fixated with the flame you know how it glows and all. I was playing with fire and I mean that literally. I threw a lighted stick to a can filled with paper. It burst into flame which was beyond my control. Scared as a cat I took off thinking my mom wouldn't find me. I hate belts that time, you know what I mean. According to my sister she put it off. Thank god our house was not on fire. But I was not able to escape the beating. haha

Two years ago when my relationship finally ended, I remembered I walked out from the bar. I was about to burst. I run away the farthest my car could take me. The following weekend I bought a ticket to Bohol. I just couldn't stay in Cebu. I also went to Dumaguete the week after all by myself. I took a bus down south. I was happier being alone than to party in Cebu City and was reminded of all the places my ex and I went. It didn't stop there I took another bus going to north this time. The goal was not to stay in the city so I kept running.

Somehow running eases tension in my mind. It helps me to be calm so that eventually I can think. When something is bothering me I just grab my running shoes and hit the slope. (I'm from the hills, haha) It releases negative energy. While I’m running, I feel free.

Dear Bestie,

Sorry if I have to leave you. I will miss you too. I know that running from my problems is not a solution. I would like to let you know that I'm not running away this time. I know I'm crazy and unpredictable. I'm done holding on and it’s beyond fixing already. So I'm letting go. Anyhow, it’s never too late to start over. Take care of your boyfriend. I will take care of my life.

PS
I'm not giving you my running shoe. haha

Still Stiving to be Good

2009-04-14T21:44:00.001+08:00

It’s getting darker. The sky is covered with dark clouds. I can barely see the stars. The moon was up. Half. Partly covered with clouds.

The only light is from the lamp post. It is yellow. Faint.
The streets are empty. not a single vehicle.
I can only count the people that pass by. Strangers. walking fast.

The silence is becoming deafening. I can only hear my breathing.
I puff the last of my cigarette. Even its glow is dying.

I start to walk. In the middle street. the place is deserted.
no chance of being crashed by a speeding car.

Then I halt... to see the stop light. turn from green to yellow then to red..
green. yellow. red... it changes color at the beating of my heart..

Which road to take? I check my back to see my wings. It has not grown back..
wish I can hover to see what's ahead.

This labyrinth is killing me. Depressing. Black. But I run out of tears to cry already.

... when will this sadness be gone...

cost cutting - my jeepney experience

2009-04-11T10:37:00.001+08:00

I decided to take a jeepney today... One of my crazy cost cutting measures just to save money for my Big Plan.

So I woke up early so that I wouldn't be late for work. I could get lost you know. As if! haha My clock said 3:00AM. It was too early for a 6:00AM shift. Normally, it would only take about 30 minutes.

Riding jeepneys at this hour could be scarier. The streets were still empty. I mean there a few people roaming around, strangers some where my neighbors. As I walked my way to the main street, I realized today is a holiday. Not that I don’t have a work... cause I follow US holidays. Number of jeepneys is lesser than normal which is already less for this hour. Does that make sense?

Just as I arrived at the waiting shed, the first jeepney just took off. Just my luck! Ok fine, I had to wait for the next one, which came 10 minutes after. While waiting, cabs were very tempting. No... Its a jeepney day today I said to myself.

The jeepney was over loaded. As in, it was full packed. So, I squeezed myself in. What I hate about riding jeepneys early in the morning is the stinking breath of the passengers. Gawd! While you are so dressed up for work, some people just don’t brush their teeth nor take a quick shower. I swear I could smell their stinking bed. (Yeah that was I being mean! hahaha)

In all fairness to these early birds, they are hard working. I mean waking up early to go to Carbon market or Pasil (Fish Market) for the day’s income and all. So I just shut up. I didn’t want them to notice me as someone maarte so I acted as calm as possible. Then, I realized I took the wrong jeepney. Nice luck to start the day!

So I alighted. I waited for 15 minutes. No jeepney. I started to lose my patience. My mind was battling to take a cab. Cabs were really inviting... No cab for today I continuously said to myself... It is a jeepney day!

I decided to take a different route. So I walked 2 blocks from Colon to San Carlos. I felt sweat started to stream at my back already. I hate jeepneys. I really do. Then, I had to wait again.

Another 10 minutes passed. I was about to give up and decided to take the next cab that will pass by when a jeepney arrived. It was full. Worried that I will be late for work, I got in. No seats. Not even an extension seat. Not to make fuzz out of it or be sissy for that matter, I decided to cling like a monkey with all the wind and dust in the world... worse than blow drier..

Hey, I almost forgot... in the eyes of those people, I’m straight. So I acted like one. I faked it but seriously, I was damned scared that I would fall... haha! But I have done it before though... back in college.. a lot of times.. for the heck of it... hahaha

I loosen my grip... I would not want the guy beside me to take a hint... I'm no sissy! haha
Good thing none of them were cute... or l would be distracted. Another good thing, straight guys don’t have radar! They are clueless. Damn clueless. Haha!

As I waited for the next jeepney to my last stop, it started to drizzle. Good grief! The last thing I wanted happen is to go to work soaking wet!

When I arrived, I thought I deserve a warm cup of coffee! Then the rain poured heavily! Too bad we don’t have Starbucks in our building. And Bo’s coffee was closed for the holiday. Mc Donald’s will do... Sorry guys I’m not ready to cost cut my coffee yet! Hahahaha

More cost cutting tips coming....

so called Barkada...

2009-04-10T01:07:00.002+08:00

I have been with several group friends. I think its just part of growing up. But like most bands,
even the most popular ones are disbanded even at the height of their career say for example Spice Girls and N’sync. (note: this is just an example, I’m not into bands)

Back in high school, I was lucky to be part of the popular group. Well, I don’t really need luck because I’m born to stand out anyway (proven and tested… although, lately I kind of shun the limelight). I said lucky because I was a transferee. I guess it is but a normal to feel scared to be part of a new pride.

The Click. It was a mix group gifted with beauty and brains. Most kids thought I was a snob. Okay, okay, okay… I’m maybe because I chose friends. So I let them.

I was a math wizard. My brothers and sisters are all engineers that explain why. But not the geeky type though, you know the type that is slim, with lousy over sized shirt with bushy uncombed hair and to match everything, who wears thick glasses? Definitely, not me! I was a classic dresser not the flashy type, nor the trendy one. I was simple with a good posture.

They say if you can’t beat them, join them, right? They sensed that I was cool and they couldn’t seem to beat me. So they invited me to one of their Saturday meet ups. Instantly we clicked! See, I didn’t have to work my way in really hard like those loser neophytes who beat their ass to be included.

Then, we were known as ruthless. I guess, by ignoring those dirty rats made us ruthless already! We didn’t intentionally hurt schoolmates like those in over-rated high school drama movies; I think they were just innately stupid.

Fast forward >>> we graduated… parted ways…

We are still good friends… we meet once a month for a good dinner… we have a doctor, a lawyer, an accountant and I became an engineer!

Then I started with this call center industry that am currently working, I've been with lot of groups but then again got disbanded… People just leave… Friends come and go… There was this Breakfast Club. Most of them left to Singapore.

There was also the famous KRIMINALS. Some people feared us. Some called us untouchables… The hell I don’t know…I mean the deal with people with inferiority complex... I guess because of our strong personalities. We just bonded really although no outsiders allowed. However, eventually, we parted.

My latest coven… the so-called DIVAS

Over time, our friendship has been tested. Oh yes we had cat fights, backstabbing and claws scratching. We may have different personalities and views in life but we clicked. We are bonded as hard as glue. And with all the turmoil we remain friends.

Four gorgeous Divas, who can walk the walk and I mean that literally. Watched us walk that runway, shoulder to shoulder, like goddesses we glide. Time will stop to watch us. Okay I’m exaggerating. We are not really the seductresses from hell who can lure all the guys in the bar or that plastic group cliché from high school. But when we are together:

“We party like a rock star, look like movie stars, play like all-star, fuck like porn stars, oh baby, we are your Superstars”

We are Ms Bitch, Ms Promiscuous, Ms Pretentious and yours truly Ms Mean.

Mean? How did I become Mean? I’m not mean… Okay sometimes…

---
PS1

I lost my chain of thoughts... Part 2 ko na lang... I'm tired...

PS2...

Sounds too gay... oh well the art of creative writing...

PS3

May art ba talaga? also hindi rin cya creative... let me think

PS4

I am MEAN! bwahahahha

2009-04-08T22:31:00.000+08:00

I dont like to hear when people say "good luck" to me.... Not that I don't need it... coz I really, really and badly need it...

It just scares the hell out of me to hear that... it sounded like a warning of something bad will happen.. I know I'm twisted and I have my own interpretation of that phrase... really.. it just sounds scary...

To be in a strange land where I dont know a soul... to be out of my comfort zone... to be far from family and friends...

to move out from my room... I love my room... its big and warm and cozy... I can stay in my room doing nothing in one whole day...

no one will cook for me... I think that's why we invented instant noodles...

no more mama who will wash my clothes for me... I guess that's why laudry shop business is booming..

no more car... I will surely miss it... I'm poor in navigation anyway... I'l end up lost.. get caught... and what's that? is it number coding

there's a lot of things to give up... just for one thing...

Oh yeah... why dont I have a relative in Manila... that's wonder!

I think I'm the only one who has the interest to actually live there...

I said to myself before, I could never imagine living outside Cebu...

But I have never been so sure! I would fly in a heartbeat...

I've been out of the country... however I was there for vacation only though..

Singapore for instance...

but not really live there... just for a few days...

I even asked my brother if he has friends in Manila where I can stay for a while until I find my own flat.. NADA..

How disappointing... But I'm not giving up... I can find someone... There must be someone... an old friend... a classmate... an old office mate...

I have even asked my in laws if they know someone... sad to say most of them are far from Makati..

For a starter.. I need to live near my work place...

that's the plan...

near my work place? which reminds me I have not applied to any possible companies yet? bummer! heheh

In nearly 60 days I will be submitting my quit letter! let's see

Anyhow... I have told a few of my friends that I'm quitting my job.

My mom even gave her my blessings... after all a long period of persuasion...

I think she finally felt it... like almost everyday now... I just don't want to go to work...

I dont have the energy... I dont have the attitude... I have lost my drive... my stat is way, way down

I love my job... yes that is true... seriously!

I never thought I'd come to this stage...you know that feeling... when you wake you just dont feel like going to work...

But yes... its happening now.. how strange...

wow... how many stories have I posted about this already...

Just really excited...

actually, the reason why I posted this because I rather want to hear some other phrases like "take care", "you will be missed", "keep in touch" and all

Honestly...I'm really scared to go... but I want to go anyway... and To hear "good luck" really adds to the anxiety... twisted I know

haunting memory

2009-04-05T04:06:00.003+08:00

It took me a week to finish this... first, the interenet in the office sucks... I think management found out about our access and ban my page.. bohoo! Secondly, my connection at home has been cut so I end up doing this in a cafe.... For a Saturday night am at a cafe!?... beat that! what a bore... Lastly.. I'm making sure I will not be misinterepreted... The hell anyway...

---
I was doing random reading with some posts and I got stunned with this line. It was a comment on one of Max's posts; The Horny Bum.

"....but he just wants to see what he wants to see in max or what he thinks is an ideal picture of him."

I just froze.

Then at a flash...

It hit me..

It was more of an alarm...

Ever since my heart shattered into pieces two years ago..

I kinda have attached a warning device to my heart to protect it...

It sends signals and freezes all my body parts except for my brain...

So that I can think before my heart do the thinking...

To be more cautious of some unforeseen events...

I have learned my lesson... and damned... it was the hard way..

So Here I go again.

On the verge of committing the same mistake.

I'm just not ready to take that plunge... not this way though

But before I fall into a trap... a trap that I myself created...

let me back off.. before its too late...

I have read Max every single post..

It facinates me...

Max's page is somewhat enticing, I guess that's the word.

Upon reading each post... I made a picture of Max.

Based from what I have read. on who he is... what kind of guy he is...

this starts to sound cheesy.. but its not really about Max... promise.. so read along.. (peace Max)

Man, do not under estimate my imagination... I'm creative and wild... THEY clipped my wings, remember?!

Again, I have made this character of Max. A good guy (I'm not saying he is not good in person)

But to cut it short.. This guy is my ideal guy... I dont know where that came from..

I only know him from the posts that he wrote, but somehow it feels like I have known him much...

Fair. Lean. tall. neat. someone who just melts you heart... minty fresh breath..

and I like this guy. I think I'm attracted to him...

Then, suddenly after reading that line above...I just know I need to change gear to nuetral...

before it will bring me somewhere...

I'm not going back to that hell... never...

So, I made a hault before jumping into the unknown... think... think.. think...

Then I realized... the guy that has been playing in my mind...

The guy that I'm attracted to... The guy that I created... my ideal guy...

it was a picture of my ex...

The story "The Trip" that was written by Max... that inspired me to write again... It was a lovely story...

I've been thinking about that story... Re-read it a lot of times... over and over...

I'm somehow attached to it... it felt like I'm part of the story... there was a connection...

I thought it was Max... I thought I was becoming attracted to him... the thought of him...

the illusion that I made out of him...I stopped time...to ponder... to find out what's going on...

it can't be... he is too perfect... I made him perfect... no he is just an online buddy...

Like a light bulb appeared on my head... nahh.. more of touched by a white lighter..

I realized its bout my my ex... It was me and my ex on that bus...

good memories... afterall the story was about Max's ex

But why?! I'm way over him... it was two years ago... I swear I'm done with him...

I've started dating again... I know its corny as a corn field...

Is his memory haunting me? Is he not done tormenting me?

It's unfair.. He said his goodbye... I have said my goodbye too...

----

So what's really my point of posting this? I'm too drunk to think...

But I guess.. It's part of the reason why i'm leaving...

When you are already far.. I think you'll forget everything...

I will be busy thinking on how to survive in a strange land... I guess...

This has to stop becasue it's ruining everything...

What better way to start a good life is to leave everything... Starts from the scratch..

Damned it... I dont want to leave... but I have to...

Goodbye....

2009-03-30T21:18:00.002+08:00

It tears me to say goodbye... But some people just leave. and it hurts. But there's nothing you can do with pain but deal with it. feel it. Until you get numb. I still remember way back in high school when my best friend, Leah, left for Australia. I was in a hurry to get to the airport. I nearly miss it because she was about ready to go inside the departure's waiting room. She asked me not to cry because she hated it and she would end up crying too. She was done with her make up and all and she didn't want me to ruin it.

She was my critic. I was lousy in the clothes department while she nailed it. An over sized t-shirt and denim will do for me. (alright.. justice guys.. it was early 90's... high waist.. tapered denim...) I miss our late night phone calls. Mostly we talked about her crush which was my neighbor. She was crazy about him. They end up as a couple but eventually they broke up.

One time she went to my room and brought with her four bottles of beer. My mom found out about it and went ballistic. It was funny... remembering it makes me smile. it was my first taste of beer.

Then i met Niel. However he became a Stepford's wife. He is on steady with his bf for 5 years now. His bf is so paranoid of the idea of me and Niel together even for a coffee. What a jealous boyfriend. For Pete's sake, Niel is just my best friend. But I have understood that I couldn't meet him that often anymore since they started. Like a vampire when you were just bitten by your creator then suddenly he just left you to roam the city alone to hunt. It was lonely.

He was the kind of student who sleeps during Math period and asks for your paper during exams. We was touchy during class. It made a goose flesh out of me. When we graduated high school, I found out that he slept with half of the boys in class. I couldn't imagine. How could that be. Or perhaps i was too hooked up with my science project that I did not bother. You can't blame me; I'm a geek with a mom who actively participates in church and a dad who run for a local baranggay position.

He was my mentor and introduced me to some PLU's. He brought me to some party scenes and met a lot of guys. He made me realize who I am; a naughty catholic student. But not just naughty; the one who sleeps with guys. He made me hate my old self; the kind that is righteous and hypocrite. He made me real. He was the first one to slap me when I'm day dreaming. He is a true friend.

Anne died of a heart attack at the age of 25. Without warning... without even saying goodbye. She just left. And she'll never be coming back. I hated her guts at first. But eventually we became good friends. She was good in foreign exchange and stock market. She was a good influence. She had good taste in things. To a lot of things. She worked her way to success.. she was always in a meeting with the a lot of big boss here in Cebu.

Then, there was Mr. B. Who suddenly he realized that he no longer loves me on my birthday two years ago. That was a devastating goodbye. Although at one point were sweet with each other. He was really nice and thoughtful when we were together. Breakfast together. late night phone calls. Sweet nothings and all that crap. Sometimes I missed him too. It was a good experience. There were things that worth noting only him has done. Undeniably, I loved him.

And there were more. Friends come and go. Some went to Singapore and even as far as Norway. My two sisters are in Canada. My brother got married and went on his own. Some transferred company; some transferred floors.

But now it's my time to say goodbye. This time I am the one leaving. I'm quitting my job. I have been here for 5 years. and its my first job. I just know that it time for me to say goodbye. I'm leaving Cebu too. Although I will just be 45 minutes away by airplane... But its somewhere I don't know anyone and no body knows me. Somewhere I can start new. I will leave everything. My nice room.. my car.. my friends and even my parents...

Will I also be missed? would it be the same feeling as the one being left? They say the one who is left behind always gets hurt.. Isn't it supposed to be an equal feeling?

My own version of Cnnecting People

2009-03-30T21:15:00.001+08:00

I'm supposed to go to Bohol for the weekend when my brother decided to cancel it. So I'm stuck here in the city without plans. Good thing I received an invitation from a new friend, R. He asked if up for 22nd street. He mentioned about a celebrity guest. I'm not really a fanatic or whatever. Also, I'm kinda nervous about comedy bars, you know how they crack jokes on the guests but what the heck.. its been a while since a was there, perhaps they have newer jokes so I agreed to meet him. Besides, I've been off lately in the dating section. and its about time. So, I'm kinda excited to meet him.

It was a good date except he was 10 minutes late. And its been a while since I have a big laugh. Until my ex, B showed up. Perfect I thought. Just so when your ready to make the first step to socializing again, the reason why I hibernate for a long time decided to show up. Isn't that great. Anyhow I just ignored him and keep my focus on R, who was so clueless about the guy who just appeared. Tell me again, yes Cebu City is small place to hide. Anyway B's case was so eons ago and it doesn't matter now. I just have to mention him because he plays a good role later...

So then R and I strolled mango ave for the next bar stop, when he met J, his ex... Don't you just love dating and at the same time meeting exes. Their case was still fresh. It was a long talk while I wait in the background. Great right... But naahh it doesn't really matter I mean we are still starting to know each other. it's not like its us already. So I just painted a smile and played this good guy...

Anyhow, J was with his friends X and Y. While my R and J were resolving their issues, I sort of busied myself talking with X and Y. and the verdict has made, they decided if we could hang out together instead.. the more the merrier I said.. So there we were me, R, J, X and Y. Party time...
Its time to go home... At last alone again with R. I must admit R is hot. at the back of my mind I was hoping that he'll invite me to his place for a coffee... or skip coffee...

Here's comes the spoiler. Remember B? B's ex, A, arrived drunk in the bar. A and I are not really good friends. I mean I thinks that I stole B from him and that's unforgivable. Okay B broke his heart and I didn't know about it.. compared to my heart which was shattered, remember I was the rebound. Rebound sucks!

To complete the circle, R knows A. and I noticed that my date R likes A, Isn't it amazing? So R decided to stay not even bothered to walk me to my car. So much for being hot. I deserve more than that. it was a good night after all because I ended up with X without them noticing... I was a happy camper after all..

Friday Reflection

2009-03-30T20:58:00.003+08:00

This is way overdue... I'm supposed to post this two Fridays ago in response to Max's post. I told him I'll make a reflection from it. I was surprised to read something "deep". I'm not saying his previous posts were not deep... The story about the Marshmallow just reminded me of my high school christian living journal. My teacher which was a Dominican nun hated it... I mean the way I wrote my entry and my crazy thoughts... So here it is:
---

Shit happens. But they don't happen for nothing. It is a gained experience that serves as lessons. Things that should not be forgotten.

Like me, I always learned the rough way. I don't take warnings. Somehow, I see points based on hands on. There's no such thing as a mistake. It's always what you do and what you don't do.

Sometimes its difficult to move on when some of these shits happen. Tendencies are that we dwell on them. They just eat you whole. But not if you wont let them. So freeze time and reflect.

Do not blame yourself. Scars are made as constant reminder but not to live with. Accept what happened and sail on. It may not be at the rate that we wanted, somehow a step or two is okay. The important thing is we move forward.

We may fall farther down than the steps we took. It comes in waives. There's a lull and another waives hits. So its okay not to be fine sometimes. Just stand up. Bounce and move back up.

Some people leave. Don't blame them. Let them walk away. You don't have to explain yourself. They will not even care. But there are people who stays. Family. Friends. They listen. Thank them.

Some things are not meant to happen. So, don't blame the Marshmallow.