mis education

i went to my aunt's funeral today. the church near my place has changed a lot. Its very obvious i have not gone to church for a while. I arrived late. walking in the aisle with my well pressed white top, then I removed my sunglasses. Most seats are taken, then i saw mom waving at me. front row.

when i was a kid i never miss Sunday service. i was taught if you miss a day you'll commit a sin. then i remember why i stopped going to church. You see, I went to a catholic school. For 8 years as a student, I think I've learned what the scripture says compared to half of the people who goes to church regularly.  I was not awarded best in religion if i had not done my part to achieve it.

Going back to my reason. For me church is a holy place and we should pay respect to its holiness. Some people just don't know how to dress appropriately, and i cant control my eyes thus i sinned in my thoughts. Sometimes I don't agree what the priest says especially if its a political/social views, thus i sinned. and those altar boys, i intentionally stand in line where the cute ones are stationed, thus I sinned.

I sinned more if i go to church compared to one sin of not going there.  I know its silly logic. I prefer going to church to energize my spirituality rather than as an obligation because I'm told to so.

Sitting in the front row, i saw these altar boys. they still choose the good looking ones. the boy next door type. as silent as a sheep type. what could be in their mind? then my thoughts brought me back, goodness these are kids.

i used to have a huge crush with a seminarian. beware of them.. they are good talker. but that's another story.

so what's the moral of this story? the mis-education of a catholic student!

sunday morning

Sunday morning always comforts me. its different from any other morning. its so peaceful and calm. either I'm driving home from a Saturday night gimmick or in my terrace from my bed. the coolness of the breeze is just enough. not too cold. but i love cold weather. and its when the sun tries to escape from the dark clouds always leave a picture in my mind. now the temperature is rising. mixed of cold air and the warm beam of the sun. with my cup of coffee at one hand I would like to keep this moment and freeze time.

I miss you. it would have been a better Sunday by your side.

how are you?

Do you greet people "how are you?" because you really mean to know how he is doing? or do you greet "how are you" out of a habit?

"how are you?" is a powerful question. it can be an opener to a great conversation. It can maintain a strong friendship. It can also rebuild a relationship.

to a stranger, it could mean just a mere greeting. like to the sales lady in your favorite shop who is more than willing to help you find what you look for. who will respond to you with a warm and welcoming smile. to the janitor in your office who's not tired of delivering your mails. who manages to respond you with a nod. to the security guard in your village, who displays dedication to his work and cares to say "good morning sir" back to you.

These "how-are-you's" may just come out from our mouth out of habit, but to these people, it may mean a big thing because the line "how are you?" implies a gesture that you care for them. the number of hours the sales lady needs to stand to help customers, the wide spaces the janitor must clean and manage to deliver some letters, the sleepless hours the guard needs to be awake to protect you.

how much more to a dear friend who is troubled. hearing "how-are-you?" can move mountains. to your parents who never complained about how tough it is to raise you. "how are you?" can make their heart feel light.

so when asked "how are you?" you may want to know how's the person asking is doing too. for sometimes, it's us who needs to be asked, "how are you?"

I said NO

"hi! I miss your Italian spaghetti and your spicy chicken wings." a window popped while i was busy scrolling my page. I said great, Mr. Big found me in FB. Now i started to question FB's security. Well, partly my fault because I have my full name listed. Who would have thought after five years he will come looking for me. I mean we have moved on.

I love to cook. In every relationship I've had, they were associated with recipies. Mr. Big's was east-meets-west.  A modern witch craft for love potion. And, as they say, a way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

He asked me out.  I just replied with a smile and told him I was busy at work. Or I was doing something. Or any reason I could think of like I was out of town. I dont want to awaken the feelings Ive buried long time ago. Its too dangerous to play fire which I had been burned. I'm healed now.

But I dont want to be quoted as rude if I block him.  I mean, I used to care for this guy. Come on he used to be special. So I just let him. Let him know my wherebouts, let him see my pics, let him know in a subtle way that I'm happy with my life now.

There was a time, after we broke up, i call it dark ages, when i became alcoholic, i tried drugs, became agnostic, slept with just anyone to feel wanted. But i was able to bounce back, good grief!.

You know the song "You made me stronger by breaking my heart." Yup, that's me. My perspective has chaged in a good way.

Then, he noticed, "Are you avoiding me?"

"Nope. I'm just really busy." I lied.

"Can I see you? I need to tell you something." he has not changed, he still sounds commanding. "why are you not answering my phone calls?" he continued.

"I am now." I said "Your drunk. Same old?"

"Can you come here? I need you." the last time I fell on that bait, when I I arrived, he just smiled and said "nothing, I just miss you". and I was rushing I thought it was emergency.

"I can't. I'm at work. bye I need to get back"

Remembering the time I resisted, makes me proud of myself. He painted my world black, I turned it green and now he's back to tear me apart again.  That moment I said NO, i said to myself, for once you made a right decision for the first time!