Sunday, June 20, 2010

A song for you...

'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes.

Your eyes.

Friday, June 18, 2010

me, my mom and my job

newly polished shoes. check. plaid pants. check. pressed polo. check. matching tie. check. resume. check.

I woke up early today for job interview. Had a long shower. then my pan de sal breakfast with black coffee. It's a beautiful morning I said. I really miss waking up early. There's something about in the morning that makes your day. It's a better start a day and its really meant to be the start of the day! confused? try working in a night shift for almost seven years...

Seven years. Number 7. what's up with this number? sever year itch? i think its about time...

I saw my mom entered the dining room. Sitting in the counter while munching my pan de sal, I remembered we had an argument with my mom. She has been avoiding me and vice versa. A little background, my mom is old fashion and conservative. She doesnt like my haircut. With that i'm deprived of her cookings. she intentionally cooks bago-ong, fish cooked with vinegar and the likes. She knows I dont eat those. Unlike my brother, who'd die without his porkchop, I can settle with toasted pan de sal and coffee in the morning.

my mom and I have a bittter-sweet relationship. Sometimes we are good but most of the time we are not. I just can't figure her out. she knows that I'm not straight. We dont talk about it... and I know her fears... As wild as her fears are, I cant imagine myself with fake boobs and fake butt, in a mini skirt and high heels... and that's why i shaved my head. well, just the sides. and I got a comment that I look like a chimpanzee from my mom... imagine my mom... some moms are dying and lying that their sons look hot and gwapo when they really are not... and I am not saying that I am...

neways, I know her fear. that one day, I'l bring someone home and introduce to her as my boyfriend! let me do that on of these days, let see if she'll not get a heart attack... but then again my brothers and sisters will kill me for doing that.. so bad idea. She thinks guys will just use me... spend my money, as if am that rich! Didn't I mention that she is old fashion, religious and conservative? she thinks i'm possesed with evil spirit and that I need to pray hard to drive the spirit away.... I told her I am agnostic!

she may get over the agnostic part but she can never get over her fear about me being not straight. I have beaten my brothers and sisters at school even at work. but she is more proud of my brother who got her girlfriend pregnant before marraige... or my sister who has three kids and still not married or our eldest who has kids from different women. talking about perfect family... we are a good example. the last thing i will know, she has changed my last name... my name is not even in the last will... talking about double standard, that what she is...

enough of that... somehow it gave me strength to do better for my job interview... so that i can leave home and be in a place where i can be myself... You'll never miss the water until it runs dry, i thought. I have the opposite of what Ternie posted why he decided to look for a regular job.
That made me feel am a bad person but that's his story...

I was right on time. The interviewer greeted me. Read my resume and said "thank you for your interest, we'll keep you posted once we have an available position for you"... Shiiitttt... You know that feeling of being rejected? my jaw fell and my heart smashed... so I went online to recheck what they were looking for... Accountancy Graduates... what am I thinking? Deutsche is a bank and apparantly they are looking for finance agents...

So I guess mom you still have to bear with me for a few months... my heart may have been crashed but I still have my spirit! I'm not giving up.. not yet!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Revisiting Plan A

one day it hits me, what if, I chose Manila instead? would plan-A worked better than what I have now? I got promoted. I got what I wanted as planned. I have achieved my dream.... Its when everything-is-ok that scares me. After watching Sex and the City with a good friend of mine, I realized, am I ready to just slouch in my couch after a day's work watching prime time tv? I'm just not ready for that... but its happening now... I am getting old. I need a sparkle!

While my friends are living their dreams, am I doing something to live my own dream?

In two week's time, everything will change... I'm having a detour!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

crack of dawn

I woke up early one Sunday morning. I thought this would be a good day. I searched for my cp to check the time, it was 5am. I could hear the chirping of the birds outside my window. I thought a newly brewed coffee would be a good start, pair it with toast bread and bacon. Then a warm shower. I missed 5 messages. 4 of the messages were from friends asking where I was. Saturday night parties used to be fun. I used to go out and drink tequila until the sun rises. Not that I miss holding a bottle of beer at one hand and lighting a cigarette on the other, things have change lately.

Then I read the last message. It wasn't a bad news. No one died. However, it wasn't a happy news either. I could still remember how it feel when I read the message. Everything were in slow motion. I could hear my heart beat until it burst, opened my chest, geysers of blood, moving in slow motion. I nearly broke into tears.

Tried to compose myself. i could hardly breath. Some thing wanted to escape from within. it had been captive for a long time. It was boiling ready to explode. my chest couldn't not keep it any longer... and I couldn't shout nor break things... I didn't want to make a scene.

I saw my running shoes, grabbed them and went to the hills for a run. It was a little bit cold. Morning breeze made cuts through my cheeks. My legs started to feel the pain... I nearly cried. I halted. I still couldn't shout... that thing has not escaped... I wanted it out.. I was the only one there... on the top of the hill.. but how come I couldn't let it out...

I pushed myself a little more... I could barely run... I fell on my knees then laid on my back... the sky was turning blue as the sun showed its first ray of the day. Then I started to calm down... if only life is as perfect as this morning...

He may have left without saying "goodbye"... there may be things that are not meant to happen yesterday but today is another day...

Sunday, June 6, 2010

can U substitute X wihout asking Y?

x: Where you at?

me: Starbucks..

x: Aok

me: how are you?

x: am good! thanks... hey...

me: hey what?

x: Can you come over?

me: Can you give me 30 minutes?

I arrived 15 minutes late. He still looks good except he gained a little pound while I lost some. Still in that call center? he asked. Yup am still with Sykes for almost 7 years now. Cool, he replied... working out? he asked again... i replied with a nod. you look the same the last time we met, he observed. Most call center agents gain weight after a few months. I'm not an agent anymore, I cut in. Good to hear, he replied. You must be earning well now, he added. not really, the only benefit is that you're not taking calls anymore... Sykes bought ICT he continued... I heard many ICT agents didnt like it... I told him they have the option to go... he commented that I'm mean... and asked if I'm in there shoes... I have an option to go, I simply replied.

I miss you. I didn't reply. What happen to you? its been 5 months since? I got busy. I simply replied. I miss you. I just smiled... then he grabbed me and kiss me... then he hugged me tightly and said I miss you.

I miss that kiss, I said to myself. why am i holding back? I look at him... with his chinito eyes... playing innocent... no I cant like you... i said to myself... but his kiss really felt good... he is stronger and taller... he lift me for I'm as light as paper to him...

unto the chair... he unbutton his polo... I pulled my shirt... he kissed me again then he asked, are you dating someone? I replied to myself, no but I'm waiting for someone... Can we start all over again? he asked... Bite me! i commanded him... I'm so hot at that moment already I didn't pay attention to what his saying... he knows my weakness and he knows my spot. he lift me again, this time to his bed....

it went on and on... me on top like riding a horse... he lift me again back to the chair.... then to the floor... on four... then, with my legs up... he knows my favorite porn position...

he continued to talk while pounding me... I refused to listen as my legs were trembling already... then he climaxed. I was drenched with my own sweat on the floor trying to catch my breath... I realized I was under the chair with my hands grabbing tightly on its feet...

then he broke the silence, I'm sorry. I just stared at him. I said to myself, don't be, the reason why I'm here lying on the floor under a chair is because I love the sex. I replied to him, It's complicated, I need to hit the shower care to join me?

no he is not the guy for me.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

I was born blond

3:00 pm according to my Fossil watch. My friend has not arrived yet. One last puff of my Marlboro lights and I'm off to go, i said to myself. I checked my new Blackberry phone, I got one message. I can't believe he's bailing out on me. Instantly I grab my tall-light-cafe-mocha-with-no-whip-no-chocolate-drizzle from Starbucks in one hand then my Nike gym bag on the other. Put on my DKNY shades and did my strut. Daddy, when are you buying me my green BMW beetle? with a big sigh I went to the cab station... great it was queuing. I'm impatient standing in line... if only I can pay everyone to get the next Toyota Vios cab!

My legs were hurting after an hour of doing my treadmill routine at Slimmers. Think. I decided to take the bus for a change. i hate commuting but its the fastest way I could get home. I was the last to get in. Great no more seats! So it means i need to grab on those microbial iron bars, stand in the bus aisle for 30 minutes and my legs were really hurting. Its too late for me to alight... Here are 10 reasons why I hate commuting:

1. Its fully packed than my favorite Zaragoza Spanish Sardines.
2. I know I'm hot, but really its hotter riding in a bus.
3. Dr. Vicky Belo will be richer after my zits come out.
4. a month session of Diamond peel wont be enough to remove the black heads.
5. its dusty.. eeky!
6. I could not think of the other five....

Anyways, so I drenched myself with my own sweat... not even my Aqua Bvlgari survived. I could smell people's guts and their lunches. all of a sudden the bus halted, i dropped my cup of cafe mocha, i lost my balance and landed to the guy behind me... I know what these people are thinking... what am i doing in a bus when I can afford to buy an expensive coffee... whatever... i stained my leather cow shoes from PabDer.

The guy behind me was a gentleman. of course i apologized. he helped me with my bag. First time riding in a bus? he asked as he smiled devilishly. Ironically, I smiled back sheepishly and told him not really.. and the rest is history. that's the benefit I'd like when commuting. whore!