It tears me to say goodbye... But some people just leave. and it hurts. But there's nothing you can do with pain but deal with it. feel it. Until you get numb. I still remember way back in high school when my best friend, Leah, left for Australia. I was in a hurry to get to the airport. I nearly miss it because she was about ready to go inside the departure's waiting room. She asked me not to cry because she hated it and she would end up crying too. She was done with her make up and all and she didn't want me to ruin it.
She was my critic. I was lousy in the clothes department while she nailed it. An over sized t-shirt and denim will do for me. (alright.. justice guys.. it was early 90's... high waist.. tapered denim...) I miss our late night phone calls. Mostly we talked about her crush which was my neighbor. She was crazy about him. They end up as a couple but eventually they broke up.
One time she went to my room and brought with her four bottles of beer. My mom found out about it and went ballistic. It was funny... remembering it makes me smile. it was my first taste of beer.
Then i met Niel. However he became a Stepford's wife. He is on steady with his bf for 5 years now. His bf is so paranoid of the idea of me and Niel together even for a coffee. What a jealous boyfriend. For Pete's sake, Niel is just my best friend. But I have understood that I couldn't meet him that often anymore since they started. Like a vampire when you were just bitten by your creator then suddenly he just left you to roam the city alone to hunt. It was lonely.
He was the kind of student who sleeps during Math period and asks for your paper during exams. We was touchy during class. It made a goose flesh out of me. When we graduated high school, I found out that he slept with half of the boys in class. I couldn't imagine. How could that be. Or perhaps i was too hooked up with my science project that I did not bother. You can't blame me; I'm a geek with a mom who actively participates in church and a dad who run for a local baranggay position.
He was my mentor and introduced me to some PLU's. He brought me to some party scenes and met a lot of guys. He made me realize who I am; a naughty catholic student. But not just naughty; the one who sleeps with guys. He made me hate my old self; the kind that is righteous and hypocrite. He made me real. He was the first one to slap me when I'm day dreaming. He is a true friend.
Anne died of a heart attack at the age of 25. Without warning... without even saying goodbye. She just left. And she'll never be coming back. I hated her guts at first. But eventually we became good friends. She was good in foreign exchange and stock market. She was a good influence. She had good taste in things. To a lot of things. She worked her way to success.. she was always in a meeting with the a lot of big boss here in Cebu.
Then, there was Mr. B. Who suddenly he realized that he no longer loves me on my birthday two years ago. That was a devastating goodbye. Although at one point were sweet with each other. He was really nice and thoughtful when we were together. Breakfast together. late night phone calls. Sweet nothings and all that crap. Sometimes I missed him too. It was a good experience. There were things that worth noting only him has done. Undeniably, I loved him.
And there were more. Friends come and go. Some went to Singapore and even as far as Norway. My two sisters are in Canada. My brother got married and went on his own. Some transferred company; some transferred floors.
But now it's my time to say goodbye. This time I am the one leaving. I'm quitting my job. I have been here for 5 years. and its my first job. I just know that it time for me to say goodbye. I'm leaving Cebu too. Although I will just be 45 minutes away by airplane... But its somewhere I don't know anyone and no body knows me. Somewhere I can start new. I will leave everything. My nice room.. my car.. my friends and even my parents...
Will I also be missed? would it be the same feeling as the one being left? They say the one who is left behind always gets hurt.. Isn't it supposed to be an equal feeling?
Monday, March 30, 2009
My own version of Cnnecting People
I'm supposed to go to Bohol for the weekend when my brother decided to cancel it. So I'm stuck here in the city without plans. Good thing I received an invitation from a new friend, R. He asked if up for 22nd street. He mentioned about a celebrity guest. I'm not really a fanatic or whatever. Also, I'm kinda nervous about comedy bars, you know how they crack jokes on the guests but what the heck.. its been a while since a was there, perhaps they have newer jokes so I agreed to meet him. Besides, I've been off lately in the dating section. and its about time. So, I'm kinda excited to meet him.
It was a good date except he was 10 minutes late. And its been a while since I have a big laugh. Until my ex, B showed up. Perfect I thought. Just so when your ready to make the first step to socializing again, the reason why I hibernate for a long time decided to show up. Isn't that great. Anyhow I just ignored him and keep my focus on R, who was so clueless about the guy who just appeared. Tell me again, yes Cebu City is small place to hide. Anyway B's case was so eons ago and it doesn't matter now. I just have to mention him because he plays a good role later...
So then R and I strolled mango ave for the next bar stop, when he met J, his ex... Don't you just love dating and at the same time meeting exes. Their case was still fresh. It was a long talk while I wait in the background. Great right... But naahh it doesn't really matter I mean we are still starting to know each other. it's not like its us already. So I just painted a smile and played this good guy...
Anyhow, J was with his friends X and Y. While my R and J were resolving their issues, I sort of busied myself talking with X and Y. and the verdict has made, they decided if we could hang out together instead.. the more the merrier I said.. So there we were me, R, J, X and Y. Party time...
Its time to go home... At last alone again with R. I must admit R is hot. at the back of my mind I was hoping that he'll invite me to his place for a coffee... or skip coffee...
Here's comes the spoiler. Remember B? B's ex, A, arrived drunk in the bar. A and I are not really good friends. I mean I thinks that I stole B from him and that's unforgivable. Okay B broke his heart and I didn't know about it.. compared to my heart which was shattered, remember I was the rebound. Rebound sucks!
To complete the circle, R knows A. and I noticed that my date R likes A, Isn't it amazing? So R decided to stay not even bothered to walk me to my car. So much for being hot. I deserve more than that. it was a good night after all because I ended up with X without them noticing... I was a happy camper after all..
It was a good date except he was 10 minutes late. And its been a while since I have a big laugh. Until my ex, B showed up. Perfect I thought. Just so when your ready to make the first step to socializing again, the reason why I hibernate for a long time decided to show up. Isn't that great. Anyhow I just ignored him and keep my focus on R, who was so clueless about the guy who just appeared. Tell me again, yes Cebu City is small place to hide. Anyway B's case was so eons ago and it doesn't matter now. I just have to mention him because he plays a good role later...
So then R and I strolled mango ave for the next bar stop, when he met J, his ex... Don't you just love dating and at the same time meeting exes. Their case was still fresh. It was a long talk while I wait in the background. Great right... But naahh it doesn't really matter I mean we are still starting to know each other. it's not like its us already. So I just painted a smile and played this good guy...
Anyhow, J was with his friends X and Y. While my R and J were resolving their issues, I sort of busied myself talking with X and Y. and the verdict has made, they decided if we could hang out together instead.. the more the merrier I said.. So there we were me, R, J, X and Y. Party time...
Its time to go home... At last alone again with R. I must admit R is hot. at the back of my mind I was hoping that he'll invite me to his place for a coffee... or skip coffee...
Here's comes the spoiler. Remember B? B's ex, A, arrived drunk in the bar. A and I are not really good friends. I mean I thinks that I stole B from him and that's unforgivable. Okay B broke his heart and I didn't know about it.. compared to my heart which was shattered, remember I was the rebound. Rebound sucks!
To complete the circle, R knows A. and I noticed that my date R likes A, Isn't it amazing? So R decided to stay not even bothered to walk me to my car. So much for being hot. I deserve more than that. it was a good night after all because I ended up with X without them noticing... I was a happy camper after all..
Friday Reflection
This is way overdue... I'm supposed to post this two Fridays ago in response to Max's post. I told him I'll make a reflection from it. I was surprised to read something "deep". I'm not saying his previous posts were not deep... The story about the Marshmallow just reminded me of my high school christian living journal. My teacher which was a Dominican nun hated it... I mean the way I wrote my entry and my crazy thoughts... So here it is:
---
Shit happens. But they don't happen for nothing. It is a gained experience that serves as lessons. Things that should not be forgotten.
Like me, I always learned the rough way. I don't take warnings. Somehow, I see points based on hands on. There's no such thing as a mistake. It's always what you do and what you don't do.
Sometimes its difficult to move on when some of these shits happen. Tendencies are that we dwell on them. They just eat you whole. But not if you wont let them. So freeze time and reflect.
Do not blame yourself. Scars are made as constant reminder but not to live with. Accept what happened and sail on. It may not be at the rate that we wanted, somehow a step or two is okay. The important thing is we move forward.
We may fall farther down than the steps we took. It comes in waives. There's a lull and another waives hits. So its okay not to be fine sometimes. Just stand up. Bounce and move back up.
Some people leave. Don't blame them. Let them walk away. You don't have to explain yourself. They will not even care. But there are people who stays. Family. Friends. They listen. Thank them.
Some things are not meant to happen. So, don't blame the Marshmallow.
---
Shit happens. But they don't happen for nothing. It is a gained experience that serves as lessons. Things that should not be forgotten.
Like me, I always learned the rough way. I don't take warnings. Somehow, I see points based on hands on. There's no such thing as a mistake. It's always what you do and what you don't do.
Sometimes its difficult to move on when some of these shits happen. Tendencies are that we dwell on them. They just eat you whole. But not if you wont let them. So freeze time and reflect.
Do not blame yourself. Scars are made as constant reminder but not to live with. Accept what happened and sail on. It may not be at the rate that we wanted, somehow a step or two is okay. The important thing is we move forward.
We may fall farther down than the steps we took. It comes in waives. There's a lull and another waives hits. So its okay not to be fine sometimes. Just stand up. Bounce and move back up.
Some people leave. Don't blame them. Let them walk away. You don't have to explain yourself. They will not even care. But there are people who stays. Family. Friends. They listen. Thank them.
Some things are not meant to happen. So, don't blame the Marshmallow.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Trying So Hard
I have this big plan of moving to Manila. It scares me a lot because I don’t know anyone there. Aside from that, there's this language barrier. I can understand Tagalog that if they talk slow and no slang please. I really sound funny when I speak in Tagalog. There's my local stiff accent and not so wide vocabulary. haha Reading in tagalog is worse. A first grader can read faster than me, my seatmate commented
I need to practice Tagalog. It’s just not appropriate to use English when you just want fishball or samalamig.
So I ask my officemate to speak to me only in Tagalog to practice except when taking calls because I'm paid to speak in English. She is from Novaliches. Her accent is so soft and it’s like music to the ear. How I wish I could sound like her.
I ended up as a joke. hahaha....
One of the crazy random things I did today...
PS
I will try to translate one of my posts in tagalog... hahah I promise I will not cheat nor use translate.com
I need to practice Tagalog. It’s just not appropriate to use English when you just want fishball or samalamig.
So I ask my officemate to speak to me only in Tagalog to practice except when taking calls because I'm paid to speak in English. She is from Novaliches. Her accent is so soft and it’s like music to the ear. How I wish I could sound like her.
I ended up as a joke. hahaha....
One of the crazy random things I did today...
PS
I will try to translate one of my posts in tagalog... hahah I promise I will not cheat nor use translate.com
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Uhm... Just saying my Mantra
alright... my last post.. that was me being strong... or trying to be strong... But at this moment... am losing the remaining strength.. to hold on... am not strong... am losing my grip.... my heart is breaking... I think I just lost... in this game...
As I write this am holding my tears... I cant cry in my cube.. no way...
I want to shout... let this pain out... a pain of a failure.
There's a battle within me.. and its stressing me... intensifying my hyper acidity that I've agonizing for weeks now...
I have to stop... breathe.. freeze..
"Even in the darkest part of the world, you can see the faintest light "
As I write this am holding my tears... I cant cry in my cube.. no way...
I want to shout... let this pain out... a pain of a failure.
There's a battle within me.. and its stressing me... intensifying my hyper acidity that I've agonizing for weeks now...
I have to stop... breathe.. freeze..
"Even in the darkest part of the world, you can see the faintest light "
Big Plan
Be careful what you wish for because you might just get it....
2007 was the lowest point of my life. It was dark. That was when I traveled hell.
2008 was the recovery year. Although it was at a slow rate but fortunately I was able to pull through.
This year I promise a big happening. I want to take that giant leap. A total overhaul. change. lifestyle. career. people.
Partying days are almost over. My best friend has resigned clubbing. He rather has coffee with me during Saturday nights. This "feeling" starts creeping on me. Part of me wants to. Sometimes I'm resisting my age. Sometimes I just let it go. The goal is when I reach 30 years old - The death of a cheerleader! As my best friend describes it.
I have always been competitive. I feed energy from friendly competition. I win most of the time. Since now I'm back on the track, I have regained this value. It’s in my blood.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I am thinking of resigning. Part of the big plan. I have proven myself in this company how I kick ass... "Even the best actor knows when to take his final bow". Its time for me to say goodbye... at least for this company.
I guess first impression always lasts. A snob. I guess most people interpret it as BACKOFF. I'm just shy sometimes but really am friendly. Sometimes mean.. But at least am being real...
I have reached a dead end... I will never allow myself to be rotten here. It's never too late to start all over again. New environment. New first impression. I will shine again I promise. Once born a star is always a star.
There are people am keeping. People I will be leaving behind. It is best to leave them behind. Really I just want to meet new people. Hear new things. Learn new things.
Be Bold.
2007 was the lowest point of my life. It was dark. That was when I traveled hell.
2008 was the recovery year. Although it was at a slow rate but fortunately I was able to pull through.
This year I promise a big happening. I want to take that giant leap. A total overhaul. change. lifestyle. career. people.
Partying days are almost over. My best friend has resigned clubbing. He rather has coffee with me during Saturday nights. This "feeling" starts creeping on me. Part of me wants to. Sometimes I'm resisting my age. Sometimes I just let it go. The goal is when I reach 30 years old - The death of a cheerleader! As my best friend describes it.
I have always been competitive. I feed energy from friendly competition. I win most of the time. Since now I'm back on the track, I have regained this value. It’s in my blood.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I am thinking of resigning. Part of the big plan. I have proven myself in this company how I kick ass... "Even the best actor knows when to take his final bow". Its time for me to say goodbye... at least for this company.
I guess first impression always lasts. A snob. I guess most people interpret it as BACKOFF. I'm just shy sometimes but really am friendly. Sometimes mean.. But at least am being real...
I have reached a dead end... I will never allow myself to be rotten here. It's never too late to start all over again. New environment. New first impression. I will shine again I promise. Once born a star is always a star.
There are people am keeping. People I will be leaving behind. It is best to leave them behind. Really I just want to meet new people. Hear new things. Learn new things.
Be Bold.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Fire
I jumped out of my bed this afternoon to realize I was dreaming. It was bad. Really bad... I sat down on my bed... I was shaking. It felt really real. My skin was burning. It was hot... Damned it.. I have not enough sleep lately and the last thing I need is a bad dream...
I dreamt that my room was on fire... some faulty electrical wiring.. it was my fluorescent light. It was scary. I was playing with the switch because for some reasons, the light will not turn on. Then there was a spark. Seconds later... Zooooom... like the fire that comes out from a dragon's mouth... encircled me... I was inside the room... no escape.... my skin began to melt...
this could not be my end.. I have a lot of things to do.. to accomplish... I have not found my true love... where is my knight and shining armor to rescue me... I was crying for help... then I woke up... I was sweating ... alone..
My face was flashed with blood… hell! I was red… I took a shower but I can still feel my skin burning… what could it be…
So I googled what could its interpretation be… so here are some sites:
- To dream that you are being burned by fire, indicates that your temper is getting out of control. Some issue or situation is burning you up inside.
- If the dreamer is burned, trouble lies ahead. Look to other symbols in the dream as to how to prepare for it and resolve it.
- Fire destroys but it also cleanses and purifies. It can illuminate but also cause pain. Its energy is a potent symbol of eternal life or eternal damnation. Fire is a powerful yet ambivalent dream symbol. In dreams, it can signal a new beginning, spiritual illumination, sexual passion or disruptive emotions such as the flames of passion or envy.
- The psychologist Carl Jung said that fire represents the process of psychological transformation.
Whatever it is… it was hell … I think I rather be frozen…
I dreamt that my room was on fire... some faulty electrical wiring.. it was my fluorescent light. It was scary. I was playing with the switch because for some reasons, the light will not turn on. Then there was a spark. Seconds later... Zooooom... like the fire that comes out from a dragon's mouth... encircled me... I was inside the room... no escape.... my skin began to melt...
this could not be my end.. I have a lot of things to do.. to accomplish... I have not found my true love... where is my knight and shining armor to rescue me... I was crying for help... then I woke up... I was sweating ... alone..
My face was flashed with blood… hell! I was red… I took a shower but I can still feel my skin burning… what could it be…
So I googled what could its interpretation be… so here are some sites:
- To dream that you are being burned by fire, indicates that your temper is getting out of control. Some issue or situation is burning you up inside.
- If the dreamer is burned, trouble lies ahead. Look to other symbols in the dream as to how to prepare for it and resolve it.
- Fire destroys but it also cleanses and purifies. It can illuminate but also cause pain. Its energy is a potent symbol of eternal life or eternal damnation. Fire is a powerful yet ambivalent dream symbol. In dreams, it can signal a new beginning, spiritual illumination, sexual passion or disruptive emotions such as the flames of passion or envy.
- The psychologist Carl Jung said that fire represents the process of psychological transformation.
Whatever it is… it was hell … I think I rather be frozen…
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I Kissed A Girl and I...
I have always known that I like guys. I guess my parents know about it. They just can't dare to ask me. I don’t have the courage to tell them as well. It will break their hearts and my four siblings will hang me upside down if my parents die of a heart attack after hearing my confession. I just can't take that guilt until eternity. So I will just leave, as it is, a mere speculation.
If I were to turn back time, I'd rather be straight. Who won't?! Be it a lad or a lady. Whatever is less complicated. But I guess its a little bit too late for this lifetime. As if we can correct it. It doesn’t feel wrong.
It's not like it’s a choice between yes and no. I just let it happen. I have tried to avoid it but it haunted me more. I prayed and prayed but the more it drew me closer to crossing the line. I became a devotee but I became the person I hate, a hypocrite. It’s not like a demon being cast out from oneself.
Besides I'm way over the confusion state and I have made up my mind. To PLUs, we know its hard to fight for it. Somehow this feeling always wins. Especially right after our first bite of the same kind. Literally and figuratively. . anyhow...
Although at one time I had this high school crush. A girl. Every time I see her, I don't know but my heart just leaps in glee. Especially if she paints a smile in her face every time our path crossed in the hallway. She was my senior. I never had the chance to tell her I like her. She graduated and I have not seen her since then. I wonder if things would have been different if I had asked her out. Or will it be more complicated.
I graduated college. I met this girl at work. We became good friends. In one of our drinking sessions, we played truth or dare. She was dared to kiss me. Without hesitations approached me and gave me that kiss. Caught unguarded, I froze and I couldn't move and I was about to explode. My spirit left my body. What was that? I thought. My first kiss from a girl. Wow. The alcohol suddenly was drained out from my system, sober. Can somebody pinch me if it was real. Then I noticed her brows met in confusion. She asked if it bothered me and told me it was just a kiss. So I pretended it did not affect a single cell in me. But for the rest of the night I went silent. Contemplating on the kiss.
That was when confusion started. I thought I was already sure about myself. I can be with girls. There was a magical sparkle on that kiss. Attraction. I had sleepless night thinking about it. It was good.
It was a long debate in my mind. But I realized girls are delicate and emotional. I can’t handle fooling them...
If I were to turn back time, I'd rather be straight. Who won't?! Be it a lad or a lady. Whatever is less complicated. But I guess its a little bit too late for this lifetime. As if we can correct it. It doesn’t feel wrong.
It's not like it’s a choice between yes and no. I just let it happen. I have tried to avoid it but it haunted me more. I prayed and prayed but the more it drew me closer to crossing the line. I became a devotee but I became the person I hate, a hypocrite. It’s not like a demon being cast out from oneself.
Besides I'm way over the confusion state and I have made up my mind. To PLUs, we know its hard to fight for it. Somehow this feeling always wins. Especially right after our first bite of the same kind. Literally and figuratively. . anyhow...
Although at one time I had this high school crush. A girl. Every time I see her, I don't know but my heart just leaps in glee. Especially if she paints a smile in her face every time our path crossed in the hallway. She was my senior. I never had the chance to tell her I like her. She graduated and I have not seen her since then. I wonder if things would have been different if I had asked her out. Or will it be more complicated.
I graduated college. I met this girl at work. We became good friends. In one of our drinking sessions, we played truth or dare. She was dared to kiss me. Without hesitations approached me and gave me that kiss. Caught unguarded, I froze and I couldn't move and I was about to explode. My spirit left my body. What was that? I thought. My first kiss from a girl. Wow. The alcohol suddenly was drained out from my system, sober. Can somebody pinch me if it was real. Then I noticed her brows met in confusion. She asked if it bothered me and told me it was just a kiss. So I pretended it did not affect a single cell in me. But for the rest of the night I went silent. Contemplating on the kiss.
That was when confusion started. I thought I was already sure about myself. I can be with girls. There was a magical sparkle on that kiss. Attraction. I had sleepless night thinking about it. It was good.
It was a long debate in my mind. But I realized girls are delicate and emotional. I can’t handle fooling them...
Its not you, its me...
Have you received this line or have you said this line?
I have on both. Thank god I only heard it once. That was when I was a neophyte. I can't seem to control my feelings back then and I headed for the risk anyway to ask. Like a new vampire who is careless about his attacks.
It was shit. Although, to reminisce it has become a good laugh for me being naive and all. I gathered all my strength. I couldn't describe how I felt like I wanted him badly. I was looking for word to make sure I would say it right. And at the end, I said, "Will you be my boyfriend?"
And you knew already the answer, "it's me, not you" and if you translate that to simple English it means NO. The blah blah blah.. "I'm not ready"... blah blah blah "you are a good guy, but"... STOP IT RIGHT THERE. Then weeks after he had a boyfriend. What a trip!
Saying it is easier than hearing it. It’s destruction to the ego beyond repair. Then I learned the Art of War. Of course I have improvised some of the lines.
GUY1. I drove him home. It was miles from my place, just to make him feel important. Then I kissed him. A kiss that he could not forget. The following day, I am nowhere to be found. It’s easiest not to say anything.
GUY2. I treated him to an expensive dinner. Had sex. Then movie. Sex again and more sex. He said I was the first and that he loved me. My little ego went panic and answered him "If you love me how come I did not feel it. Prove it!" Then I dismissed him.
GUY3. I met him in a bar. He was staring at me. I can’t help it, he has cutes eyes. So we had sex. I like the way he rubbed my back. Then dropped the line "Actually, I have a boyfriend, I am sorry"
GUY4. I met him online. We exchanged text messages. Then we had sex. The following day I changed my number.
GUY5. Sex. Sex. Sex. "Stop acting like you are my boyfriend coz you are not. It was just sex, so get over it."
Guy6. He is a friend of a friend. We met at a party our common friend hosted. We had sex. Then he asks for my name. I replied, "I don't have to know your name"
Guy7. Sex. "I'm leaving for Canada, I don’t know when I'm coming back"
Guy8. Coffee. "I’m busy with school, I'm sorry"
Guy9. Sex. "But my friend likes you"
Did I not mention it’s a destruction of ego beyond repair? It took 9 guys for me to just laugh about the 1st experience. You might think I'm a whore.. Really am not.. Ok I accept it.. I mean.. Sometimes out of the line... but I'm not a whore... Those 9 guys happened within a period of 5 years. Do the math and get the rate.
I have on both. Thank god I only heard it once. That was when I was a neophyte. I can't seem to control my feelings back then and I headed for the risk anyway to ask. Like a new vampire who is careless about his attacks.
It was shit. Although, to reminisce it has become a good laugh for me being naive and all. I gathered all my strength. I couldn't describe how I felt like I wanted him badly. I was looking for word to make sure I would say it right. And at the end, I said, "Will you be my boyfriend?"
And you knew already the answer, "it's me, not you" and if you translate that to simple English it means NO. The blah blah blah.. "I'm not ready"... blah blah blah "you are a good guy, but"... STOP IT RIGHT THERE. Then weeks after he had a boyfriend. What a trip!
Saying it is easier than hearing it. It’s destruction to the ego beyond repair. Then I learned the Art of War. Of course I have improvised some of the lines.
GUY1. I drove him home. It was miles from my place, just to make him feel important. Then I kissed him. A kiss that he could not forget. The following day, I am nowhere to be found. It’s easiest not to say anything.
GUY2. I treated him to an expensive dinner. Had sex. Then movie. Sex again and more sex. He said I was the first and that he loved me. My little ego went panic and answered him "If you love me how come I did not feel it. Prove it!" Then I dismissed him.
GUY3. I met him in a bar. He was staring at me. I can’t help it, he has cutes eyes. So we had sex. I like the way he rubbed my back. Then dropped the line "Actually, I have a boyfriend, I am sorry"
GUY4. I met him online. We exchanged text messages. Then we had sex. The following day I changed my number.
GUY5. Sex. Sex. Sex. "Stop acting like you are my boyfriend coz you are not. It was just sex, so get over it."
Guy6. He is a friend of a friend. We met at a party our common friend hosted. We had sex. Then he asks for my name. I replied, "I don't have to know your name"
Guy7. Sex. "I'm leaving for Canada, I don’t know when I'm coming back"
Guy8. Coffee. "I’m busy with school, I'm sorry"
Guy9. Sex. "But my friend likes you"
Did I not mention it’s a destruction of ego beyond repair? It took 9 guys for me to just laugh about the 1st experience. You might think I'm a whore.. Really am not.. Ok I accept it.. I mean.. Sometimes out of the line... but I'm not a whore... Those 9 guys happened within a period of 5 years. Do the math and get the rate.
A Newbie with 2 Pitchers of Kamikaze...
A crow is my symbol. You'll be sorry with my claws.
I arrived late in one of our night outs with BJ. They had a pitcher of Kamikaze already. I sometimes intended to be late because I don’t want to be wasted and embarrass myself. It’s the only way for me to avoid the overflowing alcohol during a night out. This newbie, a nursing student from Bohol was BJ's new boy toy. Being a newbie he had low tolerance on alcohol. Although he bragged that he can manage. He started to sound funny and I thought that he couldn’t stand another round.
Then, there came the evil me. Levitated from somewhere like a blink of an eye. So I ordered another round. I told them that I was driving. They bought my excuse not to drink much. It never failed.
Little nursing boy was all over BJ. It was funny. He took glances at me. Flirting. I pretended I did not notice. While they were busy doing their thing, I was busy searching for other preys.
The sun was about to shine. It was time for us to go home. One thing I hate being the only sane during drinking session; you are responsible for the wasted drunkards. So I drove them all home. Nursing boy requested to be the last person to be dropped off. Sounded like he had a plan.
Then there were just the two of us in the car. Then he leaned forward and started kissing my neck. Damned it I was driving. The last thing that I would want to happen was being in an accident with a guy. But it felt good. So I let him. We ended up in a motel. I tell you the kid had a gift and knows how to play dirty.
Wait, wasn’t he dating my friend BJ? Well, nursing boy said what BJ doesn’t know won’t hurt him... Dating sucks... I love being single.
I arrived late in one of our night outs with BJ. They had a pitcher of Kamikaze already. I sometimes intended to be late because I don’t want to be wasted and embarrass myself. It’s the only way for me to avoid the overflowing alcohol during a night out. This newbie, a nursing student from Bohol was BJ's new boy toy. Being a newbie he had low tolerance on alcohol. Although he bragged that he can manage. He started to sound funny and I thought that he couldn’t stand another round.
Then, there came the evil me. Levitated from somewhere like a blink of an eye. So I ordered another round. I told them that I was driving. They bought my excuse not to drink much. It never failed.
Little nursing boy was all over BJ. It was funny. He took glances at me. Flirting. I pretended I did not notice. While they were busy doing their thing, I was busy searching for other preys.
The sun was about to shine. It was time for us to go home. One thing I hate being the only sane during drinking session; you are responsible for the wasted drunkards. So I drove them all home. Nursing boy requested to be the last person to be dropped off. Sounded like he had a plan.
Then there were just the two of us in the car. Then he leaned forward and started kissing my neck. Damned it I was driving. The last thing that I would want to happen was being in an accident with a guy. But it felt good. So I let him. We ended up in a motel. I tell you the kid had a gift and knows how to play dirty.
Wait, wasn’t he dating my friend BJ? Well, nursing boy said what BJ doesn’t know won’t hurt him... Dating sucks... I love being single.
The Cherry Knot
My friends and I have this little game that if you can knot a stalk of a cherry using only your tongue, it means you a good kisser. It’s an easy game. For starters it takes a lot of tongue exercise. For a pro like me, do I need to say more?
I have this friend named BJ. He is actually going steady with someone and they have been together for ages. Because of testosterone overload, he is seeing other guys under his boyfriend's nose. And to clean his act, he always tags me along to keep it plain and simple. To make it look as if we are just friends hanging out. BJ's boyfriend trusts me. He thinks I am harmless. I look harmless. I like it when people see me as that.
One night, BJ invited this hot guy for a bottle of Australian Merlot at his place. Being the extra, I was just in the background checking the music. They were into classic. I let them do what they wanted to do. They were just doing nothing or maybe kissing. The bottle was half empty and the alcohol started kicking under my skin. It got warmer even though the AC was at full blast. Vivid images played in my mind. They were naughty. It was the hot guy and I.
I don’t know if BJ could read my mind. He looked at me strangely as I was reading his thoughts back. Suddenly, he asked hot guy to take off his shirt. BJ just wanted me to see his lean abs. hot guy obliged. To my surprise, hot guy took off his pants as well. I dropped my jaw to the floor enjoying the view as I... drool in my thoughts. It felt awkward... not to see a naked guy but with BJ being there. I was like a vampire ready to jump on my prey!
Then, BJ dropped the dare. He asked me if I could kiss hot guy's pink nipples. Wrong move BJ, I said to myself with a devilish grin. Surely, I could do more than that. Hot guy came forward to my direction. A sign that it was okay. It was really getting intense. I did not have the time to ask myself if I want to do it. So I grab his neck and kissed him. I went down with my tongue to his chest. I further moved down to his belly button that I could hear him moan. With my free hands, I scratched his back with my fingers leaving them with red marks on his pale skin as I moved south.
BJ was upset and called it a night. He could have joined, you know. haha..
I have this friend named BJ. He is actually going steady with someone and they have been together for ages. Because of testosterone overload, he is seeing other guys under his boyfriend's nose. And to clean his act, he always tags me along to keep it plain and simple. To make it look as if we are just friends hanging out. BJ's boyfriend trusts me. He thinks I am harmless. I look harmless. I like it when people see me as that.
One night, BJ invited this hot guy for a bottle of Australian Merlot at his place. Being the extra, I was just in the background checking the music. They were into classic. I let them do what they wanted to do. They were just doing nothing or maybe kissing. The bottle was half empty and the alcohol started kicking under my skin. It got warmer even though the AC was at full blast. Vivid images played in my mind. They were naughty. It was the hot guy and I.
I don’t know if BJ could read my mind. He looked at me strangely as I was reading his thoughts back. Suddenly, he asked hot guy to take off his shirt. BJ just wanted me to see his lean abs. hot guy obliged. To my surprise, hot guy took off his pants as well. I dropped my jaw to the floor enjoying the view as I... drool in my thoughts. It felt awkward... not to see a naked guy but with BJ being there. I was like a vampire ready to jump on my prey!
Then, BJ dropped the dare. He asked me if I could kiss hot guy's pink nipples. Wrong move BJ, I said to myself with a devilish grin. Surely, I could do more than that. Hot guy came forward to my direction. A sign that it was okay. It was really getting intense. I did not have the time to ask myself if I want to do it. So I grab his neck and kissed him. I went down with my tongue to his chest. I further moved down to his belly button that I could hear him moan. With my free hands, I scratched his back with my fingers leaving them with red marks on his pale skin as I moved south.
BJ was upset and called it a night. He could have joined, you know. haha..
The Unfaithful Boyfriend the Evil Best Friend
I invited my friend for a drink. That night, I was surprised that he tagged his boyfriend along. My friend said they were not in speaking terms... oh well, they must have had reconciled. My friend asked me if I don’t mind. The more the merrier I said...
All three of us got our dose of alcohol. It was late for me to go home so I asked if I could stay at their place. They were living together. My friend didn't hesitate because he knew I'm an hour away from the Metro.
On our way to their place, my friend's boyfriend made advances on me secretly in the cab. Him sat in between. While my friend held his boyfriend's other hand securely as a sign of their strong vow to love each other, his boyfriend's other free hand was navigating my back. He slowly runs his fingers from my spine down south. My eyes opened wide in disbelief. I was holding my breath in shock. I asked myself why this guy was touching me. I was in shock because he hit my spot. Blood rushed rapidly upwards and rang the bell in my head. What the F? I thought of stopping him but if I try to move a muscle my friend would find out and we'll be in big trouble. So I thought what my friend doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
There we lay like sardines in their bed. The boyfriend again was in the middle. I pretended to be asleep. I couldn’t sleep. Not after what happened. Something was bugging my conscience. Could it be the alcohol that kept me from sleeping? Silence was bugging me. I learned I wanted him as well.
Then suddenly another flash of blood sent signal to my head. The boyfriend was rubbing my thigh. I thought of resisting. There was a battle in my head. But I gave in. I let him touch me. I touched him as well. I made glances to my friend, he was still asleep,
Somehow the thrill of being caught excited me. I knew it was wrong but the thought of being wrong fueled the heat burning under my skin. The feeling of being wanted started the fire.
I met my friend two days after. I was just being the usual. I tried to hide my guilt. But somehow at the back of my head was a devilish grin. I was proud of my dirty little achievement. I continued to pretend that it never happened. We continued being as friends and I'd never met his boyfriend after.
Then months after, my friend transferred to another company. Then I heard they broke up I don’t know why and I did not bother to ask.
After two years, I realized from another friend, that all the while my friend knew what happened. Surprisingly, my friend also pretended to be asleep that night. He could have joined us. (just kidding!) I dropped my jaw down to the floor to my surprise. Shame. Guilt. Victory. I couldn't deny it anymore. Little miss bitch caught in action. Questions raced to my head most of them were whys and some of them were left unanswered.
I'd rather be punched in the nose and be over with than still being treated nicely knowing that you're guilty. I should have reacted when he first touched me in the cab. I should have gone home instead. Well, I apologized for hurting him. But I'm not sorry it happened.
You might think I'm the evil best friend. I am not.
It happened years ago, way back in college, when my views about relationship were still the innocent kind. The period when you thought everyone was honest. The time before you were first hurt. I invited this guy I was dating to my best friend's house. We had a good time or I thought so.
My best friend excused himself to grab something in the kitchen. A few minutes later my so-called date excused him self to go to the John's. Time flew so fast and I barely noticed I had been alone for several minutes already. So I went to the kitchen to check on my best friend, I thought he was cooking something to eat. But he was not there...
So I went to the toilet to take a leak and bam! I heard my so-called date moaning loudly even the neighbors could hear. Okay that is an exaggeration but I heard them though. I never doubted my friend because I trusted him and I don’t recall any reasons why he would cheat on me.
I know how it felt being betrayed. I was mad. My heart leaped out of my rib cage. It took me several minutes to calm down. When I had my sanity back, instead of walking out the scene, which would further make me a looser, I thought it should be a win-win situation. So, I grabbed my so-called date, went to my best friend's bedroom, locked the door and you know what happened next. My best friend hated me for staining the sheets. That was the worse that I can do, he was still my best friend. He is still my best friend and I have no news about the other guy anymore.
It was my first lesson taught by my best friend who was already a pro that time.
All three of us got our dose of alcohol. It was late for me to go home so I asked if I could stay at their place. They were living together. My friend didn't hesitate because he knew I'm an hour away from the Metro.
On our way to their place, my friend's boyfriend made advances on me secretly in the cab. Him sat in between. While my friend held his boyfriend's other hand securely as a sign of their strong vow to love each other, his boyfriend's other free hand was navigating my back. He slowly runs his fingers from my spine down south. My eyes opened wide in disbelief. I was holding my breath in shock. I asked myself why this guy was touching me. I was in shock because he hit my spot. Blood rushed rapidly upwards and rang the bell in my head. What the F? I thought of stopping him but if I try to move a muscle my friend would find out and we'll be in big trouble. So I thought what my friend doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
There we lay like sardines in their bed. The boyfriend again was in the middle. I pretended to be asleep. I couldn’t sleep. Not after what happened. Something was bugging my conscience. Could it be the alcohol that kept me from sleeping? Silence was bugging me. I learned I wanted him as well.
Then suddenly another flash of blood sent signal to my head. The boyfriend was rubbing my thigh. I thought of resisting. There was a battle in my head. But I gave in. I let him touch me. I touched him as well. I made glances to my friend, he was still asleep,
Somehow the thrill of being caught excited me. I knew it was wrong but the thought of being wrong fueled the heat burning under my skin. The feeling of being wanted started the fire.
I met my friend two days after. I was just being the usual. I tried to hide my guilt. But somehow at the back of my head was a devilish grin. I was proud of my dirty little achievement. I continued to pretend that it never happened. We continued being as friends and I'd never met his boyfriend after.
Then months after, my friend transferred to another company. Then I heard they broke up I don’t know why and I did not bother to ask.
After two years, I realized from another friend, that all the while my friend knew what happened. Surprisingly, my friend also pretended to be asleep that night. He could have joined us. (just kidding!) I dropped my jaw down to the floor to my surprise. Shame. Guilt. Victory. I couldn't deny it anymore. Little miss bitch caught in action. Questions raced to my head most of them were whys and some of them were left unanswered.
I'd rather be punched in the nose and be over with than still being treated nicely knowing that you're guilty. I should have reacted when he first touched me in the cab. I should have gone home instead. Well, I apologized for hurting him. But I'm not sorry it happened.
You might think I'm the evil best friend. I am not.
It happened years ago, way back in college, when my views about relationship were still the innocent kind. The period when you thought everyone was honest. The time before you were first hurt. I invited this guy I was dating to my best friend's house. We had a good time or I thought so.
My best friend excused himself to grab something in the kitchen. A few minutes later my so-called date excused him self to go to the John's. Time flew so fast and I barely noticed I had been alone for several minutes already. So I went to the kitchen to check on my best friend, I thought he was cooking something to eat. But he was not there...
So I went to the toilet to take a leak and bam! I heard my so-called date moaning loudly even the neighbors could hear. Okay that is an exaggeration but I heard them though. I never doubted my friend because I trusted him and I don’t recall any reasons why he would cheat on me.
I know how it felt being betrayed. I was mad. My heart leaped out of my rib cage. It took me several minutes to calm down. When I had my sanity back, instead of walking out the scene, which would further make me a looser, I thought it should be a win-win situation. So, I grabbed my so-called date, went to my best friend's bedroom, locked the door and you know what happened next. My best friend hated me for staining the sheets. That was the worse that I can do, he was still my best friend. He is still my best friend and I have no news about the other guy anymore.
It was my first lesson taught by my best friend who was already a pro that time.
Broken Thoughts
I don't feel like working today. But I dragged myself to the office anyway. So I'm just in my station staring at my computer. Sipping my coffee with an empty thought. My mind is wandering somewhere else. Somewhere far.
- Wish I'm still in Bantayan Island. Blue Water. White Sands. Grilled Crustaceans. Chardonnay. I was there last weekend. I should have extended my vacation.
- My officemate is becoming irritating. He is a close friend actually. He (J) was just promoted. I should be happy for him but he is so overwhelmed now its deafening.
- I am hungry. I have a quota of 12 e-mails per hour but I'm still at 4 email per hour.
- I have a case that I have been monitoring for one year now and finally it is resolved.
- I have this friend, K. I'm sad for him. He cant keep up an intelligent conversation. He is all empty bluff.
- I miss talking sweet nothings with my bf.
- I miss late night outs with my best friend.
- I was expecting to receive flowers last March 13 instead I got a Chocolate.
- I'm not happy with my supervisor. I have not learned anything from her.
- But I found a new online buddy. I'm feel happy chatting with him. Feels like I have known him and that we've been friends.. I dont know.. I guess not.
- Wish I'm still in Bantayan Island. Blue Water. White Sands. Grilled Crustaceans. Chardonnay. I was there last weekend. I should have extended my vacation.
- My officemate is becoming irritating. He is a close friend actually. He (J) was just promoted. I should be happy for him but he is so overwhelmed now its deafening.
- I am hungry. I have a quota of 12 e-mails per hour but I'm still at 4 email per hour.
- I have a case that I have been monitoring for one year now and finally it is resolved.
- I have this friend, K. I'm sad for him. He cant keep up an intelligent conversation. He is all empty bluff.
- I miss talking sweet nothings with my bf.
- I miss late night outs with my best friend.
- I was expecting to receive flowers last March 13 instead I got a Chocolate.
- I'm not happy with my supervisor. I have not learned anything from her.
- But I found a new online buddy. I'm feel happy chatting with him. Feels like I have known him and that we've been friends.. I dont know.. I guess not.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Friday the 13th
Friday the 13th. In pop culture, it is believed to be a day of bad luck. I normally don't believe in luck either good or bad. I believe in what you do and what you don't do and that you make things to happen. Cause otherwise if it's true, I am the bearer of bad luck because I was born Friday the 13th.
Alright, for the heck of it....
I have never been successful in the LOVE department. Love being complex in nature, I know that there were several factors that contributed as to why my previous relationship didn't work. Trying to understand each factor will only make things more confusing. Therefore, we'll just pool them together and call it bad luck.
Why do we believe in bad luck? its lack of something to believe to. I guess with what's happening beyond our comprehension, we just need to believe on something. The concept of bad luck is easier to understand than to what really happened. Who wants to strain his brain over something complex and close to almost impossible.
Do I need to find a four leaf clover? If its a way change perspective then add a charmed medallion. Really, its just about the right attitude.
So ask me why am single? not because of bad luck... its because I'm a very complex human being with a twisted mind... No one has just tolerated that I think...
Alright, for the heck of it....
I have never been successful in the LOVE department. Love being complex in nature, I know that there were several factors that contributed as to why my previous relationship didn't work. Trying to understand each factor will only make things more confusing. Therefore, we'll just pool them together and call it bad luck.
Why do we believe in bad luck? its lack of something to believe to. I guess with what's happening beyond our comprehension, we just need to believe on something. The concept of bad luck is easier to understand than to what really happened. Who wants to strain his brain over something complex and close to almost impossible.
Do I need to find a four leaf clover? If its a way change perspective then add a charmed medallion. Really, its just about the right attitude.
So ask me why am single? not because of bad luck... its because I'm a very complex human being with a twisted mind... No one has just tolerated that I think...
Friday, March 13, 2009
The Awakening
I am 28 years old. Today. Two years have passed since THEY clipped my wings.
I know I would be damned! I saw it coming. I reckoned that night. I hurriedly walked out from the bar. I was about to burst. My hands were shaking. I headed to my car. Maximized the volume of my stereo. Turned off my phone. PAUSED
B, broke up with me on my Birthday! There are 365 days in the year and for the love of god, B, opted to say "I dont love you" on my birthday. Seriously, I think B must have truly meant it, to say it on my birthday. B, didn't really care. Who has heard of that? I tell you, it was never easy. I realized Cebu is a very small city to hide. So, every weekend, I roamed to the neighboring cities or flew to the neighboring islands. Every place reminded me of B.
I stopped my Masters program. I couldnt get myself to focus. Retail therapy somewhat helped until I max-out both my VISA and Master card. I gained 30lbs. I lost some friends. Alcohol had become my bestfriend. I slept around just to feel wanted. Worse, i got hooked with people who were into illegal substances. It was dark. It was cold. I was really lost.
But even in the darkest part of the world, you can see the faintest light. I was able get a grip and pulled myself out. I realized it was hell, and now am back for good and there is no way I'm going back there!
Thank you to some people who have stayed and have loved me for who I am. I thank my friends for understanding, for caring and for being patient. I am keeping my promise that I will be good.
And thanks to Max (Maxwell5587.blogspot.com) for posting "The Trip". It somewhat triggered the switch in me to write again... sounds cheesy but nahh...
I know I would be damned! I saw it coming. I reckoned that night. I hurriedly walked out from the bar. I was about to burst. My hands were shaking. I headed to my car. Maximized the volume of my stereo. Turned off my phone. PAUSED
B, broke up with me on my Birthday! There are 365 days in the year and for the love of god, B, opted to say "I dont love you" on my birthday. Seriously, I think B must have truly meant it, to say it on my birthday. B, didn't really care. Who has heard of that? I tell you, it was never easy. I realized Cebu is a very small city to hide. So, every weekend, I roamed to the neighboring cities or flew to the neighboring islands. Every place reminded me of B.
I stopped my Masters program. I couldnt get myself to focus. Retail therapy somewhat helped until I max-out both my VISA and Master card. I gained 30lbs. I lost some friends. Alcohol had become my bestfriend. I slept around just to feel wanted. Worse, i got hooked with people who were into illegal substances. It was dark. It was cold. I was really lost.
But even in the darkest part of the world, you can see the faintest light. I was able get a grip and pulled myself out. I realized it was hell, and now am back for good and there is no way I'm going back there!
Thank you to some people who have stayed and have loved me for who I am. I thank my friends for understanding, for caring and for being patient. I am keeping my promise that I will be good.
And thanks to Max (Maxwell5587.blogspot.com) for posting "The Trip". It somewhat triggered the switch in me to write again... sounds cheesy but nahh...
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