Sunday, November 25, 2012

i want to rant but i just could not call my best friend simply because he's tired of hearing me with this story. i even accused my best friend sleeping with this guy... which my instinct has not failed me and I have not proven it.

anyway, Mr Sunshine is back. we are at the boundary  of friendship and lovers. yes we are more than friends simply because he's my ex and we shared more intimate things. less than lovers because we are not back together. we just hang out and dine.

after he left I was kinda seeing someone a month after. but it didn't last that long too. maybe i was still in love with mr Sunshine, and Mr Nyx Assassin noticed it. I know it was unfair i said yes to Mr Nyx Assassin.

To answer your question Mr Sunshine, why I said yes to him, and why I agreed to move in with him is because he was there! when its supposed to be you!  you left me! He was there. It would have been you! I was thinking it was you. and I've said I'm sorry to Mr Nyx Assassin already and we've forgiven each other...

that was past already. the only reason he existed because you left... but i was wishing it was you..

Now you're back, can we move on and stop digging history? stop asking if i really love him? because it still you that I care.  Its still you that I love... It has always been you..

Nothing happened between me and Mr Nyx Assassin because somewhere in time, i was hoping or thinking, it was you!

He calls me, he ask how my day was, he spent his 15 min break with me for breakfast. he held my hand, he hugged me and he kissed me....

i know you were troubled when we were together.. that's past. it happened for a reason for us to learn for us to grow... can we leave the past and start living now... this is our second chance... let's nurture it!

Sunday, July 8, 2012

mis education

i went to my aunt's funeral today. the church near my place has changed a lot. Its very obvious i have not gone to church for a while. I arrived late. walking in the aisle with my well pressed white top, then I removed my sunglasses. Most seats are taken, then i saw mom waving at me. front row.

when i was a kid i never miss Sunday service. i was taught if you miss a day you'll commit a sin. then i remember why i stopped going to church. You see, I went to a catholic school. For 8 years as a student, I think I've learned what the scripture says compared to half of the people who goes to church regularly.  I was not awarded best in religion if i had not done my part to achieve it.

Going back to my reason. For me church is a holy place and we should pay respect to its holiness. Some people just don't know how to dress appropriately, and i cant control my eyes thus i sinned in my thoughts. Sometimes I don't agree what the priest says especially if its a political/social views, thus i sinned. and those altar boys, i intentionally stand in line where the cute ones are stationed, thus I sinned.

I sinned more if i go to church compared to one sin of not going there.  I know its silly logic. I prefer going to church to energize my spirituality rather than as an obligation because I'm told to so.

Sitting in the front row, i saw these altar boys. they still choose the good looking ones. the boy next door type. as silent as a sheep type. what could be in their mind? then my thoughts brought me back, goodness these are kids.

i used to have a huge crush with a seminarian. beware of them.. they are good talker. but that's another story.

so what's the moral of this story? the mis-education of a catholic student!

sunday morning

Sunday morning always comforts me. its different from any other morning. its so peaceful and calm. either I'm driving home from a Saturday night gimmick or in my terrace from my bed. the coolness of the breeze is just enough. not too cold. but i love cold weather. and its when the sun tries to escape from the dark clouds always leave a picture in my mind. now the temperature is rising. mixed of cold air and the warm beam of the sun. with my cup of coffee at one hand I would like to keep this moment and freeze time.

I miss you. it would have been a better Sunday by your side.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

how are you?

Do you greet people "how are you?" because you really mean to know how he is doing? or do you greet "how are you" out of a habit?

"how are you?" is a powerful question. it can be an opener to a great conversation. It can maintain a strong friendship. It can also rebuild a relationship.

to a stranger, it could mean just a mere greeting. like to the sales lady in your favorite shop who is more than willing to help you find what you look for. who will respond to you with a warm and welcoming smile. to the janitor in your office who's not tired of delivering your mails. who manages to respond you with a nod. to the security guard in your village, who displays dedication to his work and cares to say "good morning sir" back to you.

These "how-are-you's" may just come out from our mouth out of habit, but to these people, it may mean a big thing because the line "how are you?" implies a gesture that you care for them. the number of hours the sales lady needs to stand to help customers, the wide spaces the janitor must clean and manage to deliver some letters, the sleepless hours the guard needs to be awake to protect you.

how much more to a dear friend who is troubled. hearing "how-are-you?" can move mountains. to your parents who never complained about how tough it is to raise you. "how are you?" can make their heart feel light.

so when asked "how are you?" you may want to know how's the person asking is doing too. for sometimes, it's us who needs to be asked, "how are you?"

Monday, July 2, 2012

I said NO

"hi! I miss your Italian spaghetti and your spicy chicken wings." a window popped while i was busy scrolling my page. I said great, Mr. Big found me in FB. Now i started to question FB's security. Well, partly my fault because I have my full name listed. Who would have thought after five years he will come looking for me. I mean we have moved on.

I love to cook. In every relationship I've had, they were associated with recipies. Mr. Big's was east-meets-west.  A modern witch craft for love potion. And, as they say, a way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

He asked me out.  I just replied with a smile and told him I was busy at work. Or I was doing something. Or any reason I could think of like I was out of town. I dont want to awaken the feelings Ive buried long time ago. Its too dangerous to play fire which I had been burned. I'm healed now.

But I dont want to be quoted as rude if I block him.  I mean, I used to care for this guy. Come on he used to be special. So I just let him. Let him know my wherebouts, let him see my pics, let him know in a subtle way that I'm happy with my life now.

There was a time, after we broke up, i call it dark ages, when i became alcoholic, i tried drugs, became agnostic, slept with just anyone to feel wanted. But i was able to bounce back, good grief!.

You know the song "You made me stronger by breaking my heart." Yup, that's me. My perspective has chaged in a good way.

Then, he noticed, "Are you avoiding me?"

"Nope. I'm just really busy." I lied.

"Can I see you? I need to tell you something." he has not changed, he still sounds commanding. "why are you not answering my phone calls?" he continued.

"I am now." I said "Your drunk. Same old?"

"Can you come here? I need you." the last time I fell on that bait, when I I arrived, he just smiled and said "nothing, I just miss you". and I was rushing I thought it was emergency.

"I can't. I'm at work. bye I need to get back"

Remembering the time I resisted, makes me proud of myself. He painted my world black, I turned it green and now he's back to tear me apart again.  That moment I said NO, i said to myself, for once you made a right decision for the first time! 

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Fuck the bed stone

hi everyone. its been a while. and yes I'm still single. I have had some relationships since my last post and you guess it right.. it had a half life of that 213At (Astatine). My best friend introduced him last March just right after my birthday.  like as a birthday present or something to that effect.. surprise... at an Instant, we clicked. We have had a few dates. movie. dinner. just like the usual. we enjoyed sharing food together. went to places together. it was perfect. the kiss was good too. the breakfasts right after shift. exchanged gifts. cakes.candies. endless phone calls. the hellos the i love you's.

We did our groceries together and believe me I had been wanting to experience that.. call it corny but I find it sweet. Its a nice date actually, simple and fun like in a grocery store with wide variety.. taking your time in the aisles. you talk while you scan each shelves... you'll know the person better on what brands he picks, what flavor he choose, there's a story in every thing you will buy. like why you don't like oregano in your pasta. how safeguard can dry your skin. which hot-dogs taste better.

so i mentioned the kiss was good. when things got hotter and wetter he stopped. "i think it's too soon for that. Don't you think?" okay fine. He rushed to the toilet, took a bath and found his way to the bed and snored! He left me and my kidneys in pain because if the unfinished business.

Every time I got my hands down under he stops. Wearing only my undies he asked,"are you trying to seduce me?" and i replied with sarcasm in my tone, "no, I'm getting ready to sleep". I told him with a fake smile, "you know the court recognizes this as valid case for annulment."

One day he asked me how I celebrate monthsary... other than its corny as a cornfield I told him, I don't because none of my relationships had lasted that long. The he broke his surprise, he wanted to go to the beach with me, he had a surprise.

Maybe lightning had struck him or something he texted me, "Sorry, I cant make you happy!" I asked clarifying questions... "What do you mean Bhe? I'm happy with you, you inspire me to do good at work, with my life now. You took me to a grocery store and I love you for that". he replied "coz you always think about sex!"

Like WHAT? maybe I think about sex at times but NOT always. So he left.  He left me feeling like I'm the biggest slut in this town. I feel humiliated like I cant live without sex in a day!  I mean its great to have both, a guy who takes you to a grocery store and the same guy who rocks in a bed-stone. But,  fuck the bed stone I want a guy who takes me to a grocery store.

the end!

Monday, February 13, 2012

unsent letter

Dear Sunshine,

Pretty gloomy lately eh?!  I know I have asked you one favor and you've been keeping your promise all these times. Thank you for being there. I know I have asked you not to leave me. And i know you are just there.  Can I ask another one? Lately my life's a mess, at work, at home. Things were just out of place. You know what they say when it rains it pours. Mine is more like a storm... I have been trying to find the eye of the storm to seek comfort and hoping things will be alright soon.

work has been draining. Its sucking all my energy.  No matter how brilliant my ideas are nothing seem to work. I cant seem to motivate my team to be at their best. maybe they've seen me not at my best. Home is terrible, my parents fighting, mom and I couldn't agree on lots of things.

I love you... I really do love you...

However we started wrong and I don't know how to make it right... if we can make it right. here's the favor, if you're just there to keep your promise... and you don't have intentions of keeping me... please at least help me move on. You don't have to keep your promise anymore... You're there but feels like you so far... so what's the point. Live your life while i try to sort mine.. the last thing I need now is false hopes. If its meant to be us, our path will cross again.


Morning Dew