Tuesday, December 28, 2010
I guess, that's why I'm still single, eh?! I mean there's nothing wrong with being single. Only holidays makes it bad. This Christmas, just like any other christmas, I have survived! It was tough but I made my way out the next day.
These past years, we dont celebrate christmas anymore. That makes it worse. You see, I'm the only one left with my parents. My sisters are in Canada, my brothers have their own famly already. Christmas eve in our house is just any ordinary day. Except for the poor tree in front of us this year, its dimly lighted with red, green and yellow bulbs!
I just figured how ironic, you see, its just the three of us, my mom, dad and me, yet we transfered to a bigger house. My mom said, what if your brothers and sister will come home? Where will they stay... Mom always has a point... Makes it more lonely actually. Although partly, I like it because I can sleep in the morning better. It's also a perfect place for emo mood. Its quite elevated and from my terrace, I can see the city. actually, quite romantic... its too quiet that sometimes the sound of silence is sooo deafening.. it makes you crazy.... if things get worse, jumping is an option for suicide.
Surprisingly, this Christmas is different. My cousin Janice arrived from Hongkong with her husband. Oh yeah she knows what I want. She brought Feigling. It's a vodka in small shot bottles and we alternate it with a super dry italian white wine. Perfect with our roast chicken. My brothers with their families visited us too. I'm not really a fan with kids but they behaved well... they even tag their dog along... eewwww... but it was a fun. It felt like I was a kid again. Now, that's Christmas, right?! Spending with people you love most.
The next day, I received a bag of chocolates... not just a small pouch but really a BAG of Cadbury and Lindt.. yum-yum.. I can't imagine how many calories that would cost me! its Christmas sooo I gave in. My cousin Joy from New Zealand opened the door and greeted me... wow! I've had soo many surprises for the past two days... I love my cousins.. they really know what i want... I know my sisters couldn't make it this Christmas, I have send them my greetings already! Nevertheless, the joy that I felt, you know that feeling, it was taken from you.. then you have it again... then you really miss so much.. you dont want to let go of that feeling... you linger on it... but you know it will be over soon... then you'll be back to your old self..
On a serious note, people see me as walking shopping bag... shopping helps sometimes.. its a therapy... but what I really want the most and appreciate the most, is the feeling of security... there are people who loves you.. and they are called your FAMILY. I'm blessed and that's the best gift i received this year and I'm grateful.
see I dont need a boyfriend!
Friday, December 17, 2010
For most of my friends, that’s how we define our friendship. We don't often see each other but when someone gives a ring, you know it’s an emergency. Something must be up, either a good news or not so good news.
Fast forward... Stan and I hang out a lot; we share the same interest, which is coffee. During weekends, like in the lazy afternoons, we stay at the nearest Starbucks burning our lungs out with Marlboro lights and a cup of coffee on the other hand. He always has his drip while I have my cafe mocha. Sometimes, we do that after shopping bags of clothes, shoes and some stuff...
Fast Forward... He found the love of his life, Dave. They are all crazy together. They are showy most of the time, which makes me puke. Seriously, I'm happy for them. While I, have my reasons why I decided to stay single. Other than the fact that no one is interested yet.. ..hahaha... I'm just playing in the safe side. I have become a scared-y cat. Rejection seems traumatic. (a round of applause for those who can relate)
Fast Forward… Things have changed between Stan and Dave. Dave started to be cold while Stan has become insecure. Just to keep Stan sane, I gave him reasons and possibilities and all the good what ifs and maybes. “What if he is just sleeping or maybe his phone is off because he’s bat is empty. Or simply he left his phone. He couldn’t be seeing someone else! Will you stop with that thought, you are just making your own problem”
His insecurities have eaten him alive. To make thing worse, he went to see his ex for a quick sex fix. What a wrong move! That is the problem I told him. Dave is not to blame. Remember, thinkers are doers!
Fast Forward… Then I met Paul. Paul is a good guy. They are friends with Dave. We started hanging out. Yes, I like him. But I know he is just not the right guy for me. I do care a little. But I know myself better now; so we remained friends.
Stan is still crazy about Dave. He invites Paul for dinner just to ask the whereabouts of Dave. Crazy huh?! (I shouldn’t be jealous because Paul and I are just friends but its more than that)
Stan has history of doing that. I heard other people talk. People say he is manipulative selfish bitch. He goes his way just to get what he wants. Well, we are friends so I just ignore them and I think that is just normal.
Too bad because Stan has proven himself to me what other people were saying are true. When I learned he went to see Paul, I know what’s in his mind. I don’t care if he sleeps with Paul, that’s not my worry. Ok I’m lying… maybe partly. The main reason is… all Paul sees about Stan is he is a good friend. What Paul didn’t know is Stan is talking behind his back, all the dirty works.
Stan might have my Jack for the night but what Stan forgot I have his Ace of a lifetime. When his secret is out that he went to his ex for a quick sex fix, he knows everything will be over with Dave.
Revenge is sweet but I will rest my case for the holiday. I have changed and I have grown out of it. Too bad for you, you just lost my shovel! You can never drag me back to my old self. I dont want to be a trouble maker again. I hope you will have a peace of mind.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
I'm neither a good writer nor a storyteller. I don’t have the variety of words to capture a moment. My grammar is not as good as others. hahahah disclaimer.
But there is something about writing. That moment when you hit that publish button. You feel that rush, a feeling of release... you know that you are okay already. Even more when random people send their insights; you know that you are not alone. Some people experience the same thing, some people oppose. That makes it dynamic.
Am I climbing the right mountain? That has been the question I've been asking myself for the past months. I apologize to my friends for I have not updated my page. I assume some people still read this site and I'm grateful. I'll do my best to update this great avenue of my whereabouts, what's hot and what not, the tears of joy and that not so happy moments. And to reach to other people I've missed so much here.
The year is about to end and I've been blessed for this year. I'm grateful for good health, caring friends, for the job that pays and most importantly a loving family.
I may have failed along the way. As Abraham Lincoln said " Always bear in mind that your resolution to succeed is more important than any other thing." I'm looking forward for next year. I will make it a better year. It's about finding my purpose!
I will be a better person and you will hear a lot about it here!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
I can't remember what movie was that.. maybe I was too occupied. My phone rang... shoot I forgot to put it on a silent mode.. I cancelled the call and sent her a message that I was in the movie house. I bet she would understand.. I ended my message with "I'll call you later"...
It rang again... from another high school buddy, Brian. I pressed cancel again. "call you back, I'm watching a movie"
Then, I received a text message from Bodie, a high school friend too. i thought great... what were these guys up to?
I read the message, "Ruvy is dead, heart attack"
I replied, "Bad joke! I'm in a movie house now, deal with you later. Ruvy rang me earlier"
It has been three years since Ruvy passed away. She once said to us on one of our dinners, which rarely happens, because either one friend is not in town, busy at work, or simply does not want to go out and some other excuses... "that the only time we see each other is when someone got married or someone dies."
Before she died she had tried to contact us for a dinner. But we were all too busy... Surely this date three years ago, her wish was granted. we, the high school elite, all met but she was there lying in front of us...
We surely learned a lesson there.. to all other circle of friends.. it's never too late to dial that phone and check with old friends on how they are doing and to those people who will receive the call, think twice before you cancel it, it maybe the last..
By the way, the one who called me was the sister using Ruvy's number to inform me...
Right now, its given that we are still busy with our personal lives, work and all that... well, thanks to technology, the most that we can do as of the moment is a conference call.. thanks bri for the initiative.
Monday, September 13, 2010
But when the lighting of reality hit me earlier.. well, it hit me hard... Reality has always been really hard.. I guess that's why I always paint that picture in my head... an escape? maybe...
So it was pouring hard earlier when I'm on my way to work... I have to take a cab again... and when salary is scheduled two days from now, budget is really tight and every peso counts... shit I have to give up my coffee... I thought...
Surprise, newsflash... I'm broke!!! My mom decided to cut my allowance because she noticed I couldn’t manage my finances... She asked why I'm always short... She has it as my action plan to learn a lesson and find means to save... so I thought I’d cut my cab fare to start...
I know you'll ask me why my mom had been giving me money... Let's just say it’s the prize of being the middle child... Allowance = shut-up-your-mouth-about-favoritism-and-no-attention-complains...
Why are some people so good with their lives... and am struggling living my own... am I ranting?
I guess I know now why my mom dropped that announcement to me yesterday... So that I can be good with my life too. will it work? wish me luck...
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Dark secrets like sexual fantasies.. drug abuse... back stabbing... and the likes...
Some of it am still doing... some I have considered history and I will never cross that path again...
That's what haunting me now...
Apparently, am good at keeping secrets.. keeping my records clean... having the face everybody can love and like... am proud of it... Yes I'm fake - second rate. so what... that's why I appreciate my friends so much for giving little extra effort for knowing me better... but this story is not about that....
well, am writing now because I feel guilty or paranoid maybe as my seatmate describes it... not because of those dark ones... its not really that dark act...
Outside work I know I'm still responsible of my actions.. nevertheless am still being looked up as their leader.. so I have to act like one. and that's where am struggling.. maybe a little... the partying part….
You see.. I lost weight suddenly... like in a month. I worked hard for it... from 160lb to 135 lb... I know that's a lot... as I've said I worked hard for it... I changed my diet.. more of the healthy lifestyle... no alcohol especially beer... more exercise.... went to the gym... go for the jog... all healthy...
I've tried pills before but it worked for a while but I gained weight again eventually...
my concern is that.. I may influence others... because I’m in the position… or may have influenced them already… I’m scared that they may resort to all means just to loose weight... would that be my responsibility in case something happen to them? I don’t mean for them to follow me when I share them how I did it like the healthy way... Talking about responsible leadership… that’s tough
Sunday, August 29, 2010
My Sunday Starbucks buddy, Eric, finally found his prince charming. I can see cherubs hovering above him singing their theme song.. Broken-Hearted Girl... ops wrong song.. uhmm Chasing Pavements... hehehe nooooo... silly Eric why are you singing these songs.... I can't think... uhmmm what's your theme song.... anyway..
I can see cherubs hovering above him humming... hmmmm... "what's with the smile Eric" I commented. He has been wearing that smile to the point that I get annoyed. Hahaha that was just me being bitter... I guess from coffee...
Sometimes, Eric brings his boyfriend, which by the way is 19 years old... you see I dont have a problem with that... I just need to stress it that he is 19 and I said it again. Eric brings his boyfriend for a coffee... I know, I am the third wheel... or an audience to their display of affection publicly... again I don't mind... although sometimes I do... you know when people look at them instead of noticing my beauty...
So they have a project for me. I said it's sweet but no thank you. They said they will find me a boyfriend. As of now, dating is last in my to-do list. I guess there's no harm in it so I said okay... fine. So I met Harley. He is cool, charming and tall. He is in a way sweet. And he is soon to be a pilot. Isn't that the coolest? But he is 19 years old. and i just stared at them blankly then smiled in sarcasm. I force my smile up to my ears and show my pearly white teeth.
The night ended well in bed... I mean well... the night ended well... man he can dance. he asked me to come up with him in the ledge... that's the spirit... I had this spirit when I was younger... not that I'm old... yeah I will be 30 in few months from now. nothing to worry.. I did not have a good 20s.. it was all roller-coaster-achy-breaky-heart ride.. am just glad its over.
he asked me to come up with him in the ledge... well I don't dance anymore because my knees hurts, well that night, Harley brought back a good memory. So I let go of my hesitations. He grabbed my hand and smiled... That face I can't forget. He is indeed charming. Sometimes, I caught myself smiling thinking of that face... and my seatmate started to get annoyed... Who falls first? not me.. I mean not yet... am not there yet... but I fell from the ledge. as if that was my first!
"You belong with me" were his last four words before I took that cab. Silly kid, he had a last-song-syndrome. Somehow it moved me but I contain myself not to go to that level.
"Good guys from my generation had already been taken... Let me be the first to take the few good men of the new generation." I think this is Eric guiding principle. I thought it's smart but what is this manufacturing plant? I'm not gonna go there..
There's nothing wrong going out with a kid. In fact they are more energetic. I felt young again. They adore you and sex is soo good. I could not ask for more. but I choose not to go there. So let us just hang out and play "Who falls first". Let us tease each other and enjoy the moment. Thank you for kindling my spirit... it means so much... Now, can I date your professor instead...
Sunday, August 1, 2010
I realized everything i post here are all rants... negative vibes... that's why I like my page... somehow after writing it make me feel better....
This will be my last rant... I need to do it in writing... shows commitment... this time I'm serious about it...
I blame this to Ally McBeal... I just needed to think of something to blame it to... no that's not a good idea! bygones...
ok this story about unfinished business.... I wanna finish this... as in now... damn... dadadadadada... i'm bothered... I need to take a moment....
now i'm talking to myself... scary...
work has been pretty shitty... but I guess what wont kill you will only make you stronger... and I hope after today I will be stronger.... I'm like a an insecure rat who has been hiding in my own hole scared of the world!!! what am I talking about.... words flowing and I can bare catch my typing.... I was talking about work... work.. July ended well... my team passed QA.. that's good... be better than yesterday... that's what I always share to my team... I have so many words of wisdom... but I can't seem to apply it to my own self...
my weekend buddy is seeing someone now... so I guess... i will have more time alone... alone to think of strategies about work... work again... ok.. time to think about my new room... yeah my room... my very own flat is almost done... more time to shop for bed... mirror.. chairs... utensils... that's an achievement right...... I guess...
months from now I'l be 30... wow... took me sometime to think if i have to write my age here.. but yes I will be 30... there I wrote it again... fine lines are coming out... why a i scared of that number... have I lived my 20s right? am i done being 20 something plus.... can I extend it... my room... its over looking the city... I like it when I wake up in the evening i see the city lights... its cold... the word cold... it will be colder... cold rhymes with old... 30 and alone... these things are stressing me.....
so decided to go out today... birthday... happy birthday to her.... my friend's sister... when everyone else were drinking beer... I was with my cup of coffee... cant help it.. I feel sleepy even after 8 hours of sleep I still felt sleepy... watching ally mcbeal would have been better... wait.. I have not seen the Air Bender... but i dont watch movies alone... but i'm alone... no...
i was about to go home... after months of not partying... same crowd.. I thought... i saw at least 10 people i slept with... bygones!...
the moment i step out of the bar... feels like time slowed... breeze was bit chilly it hit my cheeks... then time stopped... I saw my "Billy"... all lights at him... still stunning... i froze.. cold as ice.... I could not even move my muscle to make a smile... damned it... it has been a long time and why??? i started acting like Ally.... where will it lead me...
i'm normally shy with videos... but my life seems like i'm in a reality tv... all cameras are rolling.. following me... all lead role's friends are happy... the star always end up sad and alone.... alone that word.. how many time i have said that here....
this will be the last... i feel better now... this page never fail me... there my last rant!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
I woke up early today for job interview. Had a long shower. then my pan de sal breakfast with black coffee. It's a beautiful morning I said. I really miss waking up early. There's something about in the morning that makes your day. It's a better start a day and its really meant to be the start of the day! confused? try working in a night shift for almost seven years...
Seven years. Number 7. what's up with this number? sever year itch? i think its about time...
I saw my mom entered the dining room. Sitting in the counter while munching my pan de sal, I remembered we had an argument with my mom. She has been avoiding me and vice versa. A little background, my mom is old fashion and conservative. She doesnt like my haircut. With that i'm deprived of her cookings. she intentionally cooks bago-ong, fish cooked with vinegar and the likes. She knows I dont eat those. Unlike my brother, who'd die without his porkchop, I can settle with toasted pan de sal and coffee in the morning.
my mom and I have a bittter-sweet relationship. Sometimes we are good but most of the time we are not. I just can't figure her out. she knows that I'm not straight. We dont talk about it... and I know her fears... As wild as her fears are, I cant imagine myself with fake boobs and fake butt, in a mini skirt and high heels... and that's why i shaved my head. well, just the sides. and I got a comment that I look like a chimpanzee from my mom... imagine my mom... some moms are dying and lying that their sons look hot and gwapo when they really are not... and I am not saying that I am...
neways, I know her fear. that one day, I'l bring someone home and introduce to her as my boyfriend! let me do that on of these days, let see if she'll not get a heart attack... but then again my brothers and sisters will kill me for doing that.. so bad idea. She thinks guys will just use me... spend my money, as if am that rich! Didn't I mention that she is old fashion, religious and conservative? she thinks i'm possesed with evil spirit and that I need to pray hard to drive the spirit away.... I told her I am agnostic!
she may get over the agnostic part but she can never get over her fear about me being not straight. I have beaten my brothers and sisters at school even at work. but she is more proud of my brother who got her girlfriend pregnant before marraige... or my sister who has three kids and still not married or our eldest who has kids from different women. talking about perfect family... we are a good example. the last thing i will know, she has changed my last name... my name is not even in the last will... talking about double standard, that what she is...
enough of that... somehow it gave me strength to do better for my job interview... so that i can leave home and be in a place where i can be myself... You'll never miss the water until it runs dry, i thought. I have the opposite of what Ternie posted why he decided to look for a regular job.
That made me feel am a bad person but that's his story...
I was right on time. The interviewer greeted me. Read my resume and said "thank you for your interest, we'll keep you posted once we have an available position for you"... Shiiitttt... You know that feeling of being rejected? my jaw fell and my heart smashed... so I went online to recheck what they were looking for... Accountancy Graduates... what am I thinking? Deutsche is a bank and apparantly they are looking for finance agents...
So I guess mom you still have to bear with me for a few months... my heart may have been crashed but I still have my spirit! I'm not giving up.. not yet!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
While my friends are living their dreams, am I doing something to live my own dream?
In two week's time, everything will change... I'm having a detour!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Then I read the last message. It wasn't a bad news. No one died. However, it wasn't a happy news either. I could still remember how it feel when I read the message. Everything were in slow motion. I could hear my heart beat until it burst, opened my chest, geysers of blood, moving in slow motion. I nearly broke into tears.
Tried to compose myself. i could hardly breath. Some thing wanted to escape from within. it had been captive for a long time. It was boiling ready to explode. my chest couldn't not keep it any longer... and I couldn't shout nor break things... I didn't want to make a scene.
I saw my running shoes, grabbed them and went to the hills for a run. It was a little bit cold. Morning breeze made cuts through my cheeks. My legs started to feel the pain... I nearly cried. I halted. I still couldn't shout... that thing has not escaped... I wanted it out.. I was the only one there... on the top of the hill.. but how come I couldn't let it out...
I pushed myself a little more... I could barely run... I fell on my knees then laid on my back... the sky was turning blue as the sun showed its first ray of the day. Then I started to calm down... if only life is as perfect as this morning...
He may have left without saying "goodbye"... there may be things that are not meant to happen yesterday but today is another day...
Sunday, June 6, 2010
me: how are you?
x: am good! thanks... hey...
me: hey what?
x: Can you come over?
me: Can you give me 30 minutes?
I arrived 15 minutes late. He still looks good except he gained a little pound while I lost some. Still in that call center? he asked. Yup am still with Sykes for almost 7 years now. Cool, he replied... working out? he asked again... i replied with a nod. you look the same the last time we met, he observed. Most call center agents gain weight after a few months. I'm not an agent anymore, I cut in. Good to hear, he replied. You must be earning well now, he added. not really, the only benefit is that you're not taking calls anymore... Sykes bought ICT he continued... I heard many ICT agents didnt like it... I told him they have the option to go... he commented that I'm mean... and asked if I'm in there shoes... I have an option to go, I simply replied.
I miss you. I didn't reply. What happen to you? its been 5 months since? I got busy. I simply replied. I miss you. I just smiled... then he grabbed me and kiss me... then he hugged me tightly and said I miss you.
I miss that kiss, I said to myself. why am i holding back? I look at him... with his chinito eyes... playing innocent... no I cant like you... i said to myself... but his kiss really felt good... he is stronger and taller... he lift me for I'm as light as paper to him...
unto the chair... he unbutton his polo... I pulled my shirt... he kissed me again then he asked, are you dating someone? I replied to myself, no but I'm waiting for someone... Can we start all over again? he asked... Bite me! i commanded him... I'm so hot at that moment already I didn't pay attention to what his saying... he knows my weakness and he knows my spot. he lift me again, this time to his bed....
it went on and on... me on top like riding a horse... he lift me again back to the chair.... then to the floor... on four... then, with my legs up... he knows my favorite porn position...
he continued to talk while pounding me... I refused to listen as my legs were trembling already... then he climaxed. I was drenched with my own sweat on the floor trying to catch my breath... I realized I was under the chair with my hands grabbing tightly on its feet...
then he broke the silence, I'm sorry. I just stared at him. I said to myself, don't be, the reason why I'm here lying on the floor under a chair is because I love the sex. I replied to him, It's complicated, I need to hit the shower care to join me?
no he is not the guy for me.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
My legs were hurting after an hour of doing my treadmill routine at Slimmers. Think. I decided to take the bus for a change. i hate commuting but its the fastest way I could get home. I was the last to get in. Great no more seats! So it means i need to grab on those microbial iron bars, stand in the bus aisle for 30 minutes and my legs were really hurting. Its too late for me to alight... Here are 10 reasons why I hate commuting:
1. Its fully packed than my favorite Zaragoza Spanish Sardines.
2. I know I'm hot, but really its hotter riding in a bus.
3. Dr. Vicky Belo will be richer after my zits come out.
4. a month session of Diamond peel wont be enough to remove the black heads.
5. its dusty.. eeky!
6. I could not think of the other five....
Anyways, so I drenched myself with my own sweat... not even my Aqua Bvlgari survived. I could smell people's guts and their lunches. all of a sudden the bus halted, i dropped my cup of cafe mocha, i lost my balance and landed to the guy behind me... I know what these people are thinking... what am i doing in a bus when I can afford to buy an expensive coffee... whatever... i stained my leather cow shoes from PabDer.
The guy behind me was a gentleman. of course i apologized. he helped me with my bag. First time riding in a bus? he asked as he smiled devilishly. Ironically, I smiled back sheepishly and told him not really.. and the rest is history. that's the benefit I'd like when commuting. whore!
Monday, May 31, 2010
what if Aurora's prince did not arrive. She would still be in coma right now. Ariel would have been in a freak show together with Beast or with the seven dwarfs or end up like a can of tuna. Cinderella didn't need a prince charming to rescue her from misery... she can always stood up and slap those evil bitches sisters.
I mean lets get real, as adults we know life is not a magical world.. unless you won the lottery but then you'll die the next day... you were shot or a family member kills you because he wants the money... thanks Alanis.. that's ironic indeed...
life is difficult. especially if you end up waiting for nothing. and why am I ranting about this... because like Rapunzel... my parents locked me in a tower guarded with beasts... its a nice view up here... but when you are alone and no one to share it with... its as boring as gray.
I myself has been trap in the illusion that someday... someone magical will appear and changes everything... someday my hair will grow... or a magic carpet appears through my window. or a magical pumpkin turn into a coach to help me with my escape.
i have wished on all falling star... tossed coins to all wishing wells... I couldn't just kiss all toads to be the handsome prince.... or rub that lamp for my three wishes. Shrek is lucky.. he's ugly.. he stinks... he is green and he takes mud bath... but he is not scared to fall in love... again... Thumbelina was rewarded with wings at the end.
sigh. this is me just getting old. i've been naughty and was taken out of santa's list. I love fairy tales.. it teaches hope... and it teaches love... life is magical. I pity those people who are bitter with their lives... But I know where its coming from... a bad childhood. Can't blame them.
So moral of the story is?
Sunday, May 23, 2010
I used to be 110lbs.. it soar to 130 when I went to college and disgusting 160lbs when I started working... I'm not that tall... being over weight would make me look like a giant ball! what an irony!
ive tried, less and complex carbo diet, fruit and veg diet, after six, no fried diet, the famous 3 day diet and pills.. I would end up craving for french fries... ice cream and cheese cake...
Metabolism slowers with age... dont ask how old I am... when I hit the scale at 160 again... I went to panic. So I decided to enroll at Slimmers... I get my daily shot of Vitamin A, those eye-candy boys! hahahah according to our pharmacist, no one can be overdozed with Vitamins.
Now I am at 140lb. My trainer and my friends still think am fat even when I'm barely eating. and I can still see those flabs in my ass and in my arms.
I have a distorted image of myself everytime I look at the mirror... those belly that hangs in front of me... really disgusting. those legs can be a good krispy pata!
when can I wear white shirts? stripes polo shirt? until when will I hide with black?
I need to push more... well, What does not kill you, makes you stronger right...
so I'l hold unto that thought until i get myself fixed!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Wow... I have not have sex for the longest time that now it made me dreamed about it.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
i grabbed my robe. check myself in the mirror. will this face be damned and hide from the truth forever or will it be free like a bird and sings until everyone gets annoyed.
I headed to the kitchen as the aroma of the newly brewed coffee prepared by mama was inviting. That's what i needed for it would be a long day. I greeted my mama bonjour! "going to see your doctor today?", she asked. what she knew was I went to the doctor to have my kidney checked.
I would hurt my mama if I would turn positive. Not just her but my friends and my partner to be. I went back to my room. Open my window and lit a cigarette with a cup of coffee at one hand. Contemplating what life would bring.
8:00, i received a text message from a close friend, wishing me well and he hope it would turn out just well. I was supposed to go island hopping with them but I canceled the last minute. I thanked him for he has been supportive.
this day would mark a new life for me. I took a hot shower at 10:00, still I didn't feel any worry. My place is just 30 minutes from the hospital, I said I still had enough time. I checked facebook, read my e-mail. It said that "Expect today to be a dramatic one". oh no... but the last part said lucky color: yellow.
I'm not really superstitious but I needed all the positive vibes. May it be good or bad news, I would still be able to carry myself. so grabbed a yellow shirt in my closet and my yellow ocher loafer.
11:00 i was outside the hospital. the sun was almost above me. it didn't matter as I look up and felt its energy. I need the courage.
the nurse let me wait for some minutes. that's when i started to feel butterflies in my stomach. it twitched. I tried to get a gripped and hold my composure, my knees were trembling. they told me that if the result is positive that they need to do a confirmation test... so why did the nurse let me wait... is this another document that I need to sign... will she fetch another counselor? will she get another droplet of blood from me?
the nurse escorted me to a secure room. i started to feel cold. and handed me an envelope.
it reads: NONREACTIVE
i asked the nurse what it meant, i lost my senses for a moment there.. or i just needed confirmation if I understood it right. Oh yes, I'm negative of HIV. My history of being irresponsible has been deleted tout de suite. it felt like I'm a new person and what happened before like those rough and dirty exhibition didn't matter anymore... Oh yeah I learned my lesson here. always learned it the hard way...
Friday, April 9, 2010
I'm scared, every inch of me. I feel cold as if my own blood refuses to convey. would my heart stop pumping? would it know the time. I grasp for more air. would my lungs stop breathing? would it know the time?
one piece of paper unveils the truth. the truth that will change everything in an instant. at a wink of an eye. I will become a different person. at a split of a second, it will make me or break me.
looking back through the years. when all you can do is learn. when regret is too late and of no use. why is that word invented. those dark years when I lost my wings. those dark years when I lost my true north. those dark years when all i did was to love. i was ruin.
as I sit near my window, gazing at the sunset. will it be the most beautiful sunset? will it be the last? will it change my views? will i still admire the glow of the moon? would it still look beautiful? or will everything be all dark?
When you feel everything is OK. when you have stopped crying. when all wounds have healed. when you have learned to forgive. to forgive yourself and be kind to yourself. when you start to love yourself. when you start to pick up where you left. I know its never too late to start all over again...
when you are ready to move on. Somehow.. fate plays evil. like a calm water challenged by a strong wind. my past is haunting me... am I reaping what I sew?
I always learn the hard way. hit my head on the wall. this time it will only take one tiny drop of blood to realize. yet this droplet of blood will change the course of my life forever.
when we stumble and fall. they said there's only one way... may I humbly ask which way is up?
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
the sun reigns again as I close my eyes...
darkness comforts me.
Yet, in the middle of my dreams and wishes,
this sun penetrates into my skin.
its ray blinds me.
you always tease me with your warm touch...
that's why I hate you...
coz you come and go!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Lately I've been living in my past... is it because all I've been doing is just work and I never had the time for some other things. like something new that's why I dwell so much in the past? even my cigarette break.. either I'm thinking of an action plan for my team or I'm thinking of him... three years have past and I am wide awake and well aware that it not healthy... miss him much? not really.. more of the thought of being with someone? perhaps... afraid of getting older alone? more likely.. hahahah what am I thinking? blame the moon for it is at its whole... awooooh!
crap him... I should be thinking of someone else... something new... I'm tired of that past... I have learned from it. summer has just started.. what's the game plan? uhhhmmmm eye_spy, u there? uuhhhmmmm... oh no I have nothing in my list.... emergency! hahahah
well, this is a crazy post... bottom line is.. I love you lady gaga for this song! I was just speechless holding that glass of beer when he said, I dont love you.. on my birthday!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
I just woke up from a 16-hour of sleep. my best friend rang to ask if i'm out. yeah great! from the sound of my voice, I still felt sleepy. I tried to stand up, put on my sleepers, walked to the nearest switch. I felt dizzy. I asked, what day is it. Felt like Ive been asleep for years. Sunday just passed while am deep asleep. I missed breakfast, lunch and dinner. I felt hungry. I asked my best friend, now that you have awaken the dragon, you have to fed me. Went outside to check if there are eateries open. I only found tempura. Naaahh sleeping beauty isn't my favorite Disney princess. Yeah I'm waiting for my prince but that's another story.
if I were to measure my stress, its raging Red. All the sleepless weekdays. Deadlines to meet. People to manage. Training to attend. failed action plans. Metric that have not passed. On top of that, cat fights at work, zero love life, I cant borrow my own car from my brother! ( its my car and my brother is using it), loans, my-not-so-finished-yet flat. my knee cap hurting. My hips swelling... my sex drive is low to zero. my sperm count has dropped (geez..) i'm even taking supplements now...If I can just stop time for few hours.
Sleeping is my remedy. At least for good 16 hours, I was able to stop thinking about them. That fat, 16-hour, dreamless, sound sleep is what I need.
now its 11:03 pm and I'm wide awake... its time to scroll that phonebook and check someone to bug! let's roam the city and have sex!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I had a good laugh today from a loser office mate. yeah he is a loser! a fugly (fat and ugly) loser in fact! Why can't he mind his own business and stop being nosy!
Anyhow, remember that pork kebabs I made for our island hopping with the clients. my friend a fellow officer brought the left overs. He went to his boyfriend's beach party after our island cruise thingee... Suprisingly, this fellow officer whose face I truly disgust was there. He then grab a stick of pork tenderloin marinated in Mongolian sauce. Alright, that wasn't really Mongolian.. i just termed it mongolian... it was more of ala pobre style. well, he enjoyed every bite of it until the last piece.
loser: hey this is delicious, who cooked it?
friend: it's ron
loser: it's salty
what's funny because I did not put salt on it. The last person to use salt in his cooking is me. its health reason. some envious monster cant get his scripts right! darn wish I've seen his face! i could only imagne... he would still be fugly!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Today, I'm home alone again. Mom went to the province to take care some unpaid realty taxes. Dad's out with friends. My brother, well, he is with his fiancee. this has always been the set up in this house. either mom is at church, dad's supervising the newly constructed house. When I'm home, almost always I'm just in my room. I only go out to eat. Anyway I don't like the weather lately. Either I'm sleeping, reading, pushing the keyboards.
I searched for my phone to check some messages, none. I scrolled my phone list, no one answered the other line. Sent a message has not gotten any reply. I went to the kitchen to brew coffee, lit a cigarette, it was perfect breakfast. I promised myself not to think about work. I know i have a lot of deadlines to beat. But this is my free day.
while waiting for my friend's reply, went to the backdoor, pushed some buttons then water came out. poured some powder then it began to spin. 45 minutes, that's all it takes and my clothes be clean and dry again. while waiting for the laundry and my friends reply, I turned on the TV. its been a while since I touched that idiot box. naahh its boring.
suddenly, like a light bulb flashed above me. well, my friends were not replying. I'll have to face my fear... dine and watch movie alone... I have never done this. I should try... it should be that bad.. and it should be that hard. I went to a salon to have my hair fixed. I needed my toes done too.. off I go to the mall... first I bought some things that I needed... looked for a man's purse as my self birthday gift... then my best friend rang... "sorry I can't make it... I'm with J... but hey, don't forget to drop by the house, I have a birthday present to you" and I replied.. okay!
so I got myself some cologne, undies and a bag. the moment of truth... to face fear.. I can dare.. I rushed to the ticket booth to check some good films... my heart was pounding... I was about to stand in line, another flashed of light bulb hit me and asked me " What are you doing?"
I came into my senses, ditch the line and went to the closest Starbucks... its fine to have coffee alone.. that's my private moment... I like it peaceful with my coffee... sometimes I need to get away from the reality and I have a place in Starbucks...
I'm a year older now, and it happened so fast, giving up parties and having coffee instead.. that soon? seems like just yesterday... Anyway, i just don't see myself watching movie by myself or dining out... no offense but it's a pact that I respect and I promised to myself!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
So we went island hopping. I deserve some time out since office has been crazy. Crazier since I started with this new project. salty water gets into my locks (does that sound fun?) the water was a little rough in fact one of the officers got sick. While they enjoyed the view, the water and breeze, I was assigned in the kitchen. I love to cook... my favorite was shrimp kebabs. shrimp marinated in lemon and orange, sprinkled with chopped parsley, dash with salt and pepper, garlic and oregano to flavor. it had onions, bell pepper and zucchini. It was colorful. brushed with butter when it was ready to be served! there, I love doing that!
I like it the most when you see people react positively after the first bite. I know it was delicious! you can see in their faces that there's something about it that they haven't tasted... similar feeling when one gets an orgasm! When I was younger, I wanted really to be cook just like my mom. Well, influenced by Philippineism about graduating with a degree, very old school, my mom, so I took Engineering instead. Now, i just don't see myself working under the heat of the sun with my hard hat bringing rolls of blue prints and smells like I have not taken a bath for a week, sweat and dust and mud on your shoes. that's not me.
then suddenly I felt gloomy just like the weather. I missed someone that I used to cook for. Cooking seems meaningless when you have no one to share it to. The secret ingredient to sumptuous cooking is the love that you share to the person you cook for.
on our way home, i recalled lady gaga's bad romance. Screw him like the kebabs! I love lady gaga! its the new national anthem now!
sing with me!
Monday, March 15, 2010
I woke up late from partying last night. last night was fun. I was with some friends to celebrate my birthday. we had dinner then videoke. Originally we planned to go to Bantayan just like last year, unfortunately due to some events beyond our control, it was canceled the last minute. too bad I had my sun screen packed already ready for the summer. instead, we plan to go to Siquijor.
when i woke up, its lunch time. actually i was late for lunch.. I went straight to the kitchen to check what's cookin' coz i was starving and i heard my stomach complained. In the dining, mom had already prepared my lunch. she even labeled with my name on it and a little note. thanks mom for lunch.
received a message from a friend for a late afternoon starbucks. As always I had my cafe mocha... I like it bittersweet. after a brief chit chat went to see a movie, Remember Me. I've seen alice and I dont know what was the other one. anyways, I had nothing to do and anyway, my friend paid for the tickets. quite surprising how the movie ended. It was a good one.
I felt tired so i visited my massuer. had a 2-hour body massage. it was relaxing. I was just enjoying the moment. he's good looking. I like that and he knows my spots... that didn't sound right...
did I learn something today? small things can mean a lot. have you thanks someone today?
Saturday, March 13, 2010
and the silence was deafening..
suddenly, a light was drawn in the midnight sky.
then the glow started to fade.
landed in a deserted alley.
I lost my wings.
I started to wander.
to gain the shimmer of my pale skin.
everything had changed when all i did was - to love.
that's how this blog started a year ago on my bday... Joyeux anniversaire !
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
what I'm ranting about is dealing with fellow supervisors wanting their ways when its too obvious their points are stupid! and sooo childish like making faces when being questioned about their not so intelligent idea. to the point of making you shut up when you try to give a point. being bitchy all over the place... why can't we not talk in a diplomatic manner? like professionals... I may be from the boondocks, but I'm from the south hills. Do I need to stress that part?!
work politics are adding to my grey hairs. and my mom noticed it. every morning when I came home all she hears are my complain. good thing she cooks sumptuous breakfast and then I'll be fine.
I had baked chicken breast today marinated in lemon sauce with spices i love, like thyme's and pepper. paired it with bagoong sauteed with tomatoes, onions and lots of garlic.
I know I should be grateful because I have achieved my dream last year.. but for what its worth? I'm guessing now that my plans of moving out to Manila before would have been a better idea...
Saturday, February 20, 2010
My heart crushed when my agent talked to me about her husband having an affair with another woman! Whoa! With another man would have been worse and I wouldn’t know what words to say to her.
I was about to discuss her scores for last week when she burst to tears. And not just teary eyed but she cried like a river. And sobs almost like a lion roar. I panicked because I didn’t know what to say.
Just like a lightning, it hit me… I recalled some lines from popular authors like John Maxwell, Paulo Coehlo, Stephen Covey and the likes… I was surprised of myself to say those lines. And I even advised her to pray… wait a minute… when was the last time I prayed? But on a serious tone, I said it sincerely.
I’m-a-team-lead-slash-guidance-counselor. So I set aside her stats, anyway, she is fairly performing except for her Average Handle Time (AHT). Perhaps that’s what’s driving her AHT to sore, her personal concerns. Who says the role of a team lead is easy?
Way back when I was an agent, I had thought if I could handle that role. I believe in order to be successful as team lead the approach should be holistic. Your scores will not describe you. I learned that from my philosophy teacher… See I’m a nerd!
Observing her crying like baby in my station, I was holding back my emotion. It must be really painful. Has the other woman realize this? Once a perfect family and now its broken because of her. and the kids?
When I arrived home, I was sobbing. I’m guilty! I was sorry! I must have torn and crushed my friend’s heart badly when he found out that I was the other person!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Yes I have a horse, a white one. I can imagine galloping in a long stretch of white sand. then take a plunge in the cold blue ocean. I would swim for hours. dive as if I have gills. flips like a dolphin. play with the old turquoise. i don't like pearls though. Jumps through the air and dive back... i could stay in the water for long.
sometime I could feel I can command the sea. Like water bending. water is my power! my imagination went overboard, i know... but this scene keeps playing and playing in this gray mass floating inside my head. this is beyond imaginary. this is mental illness! but somehow I feel comfort thinking that. Am I losing my screws and giving up the real world.
The real world seem to chaotic and harsh. They are mean and it bites. Inside my head there's ease and I'm liking i better. I think I'm getting crazy. but I want to stay there.
My love story. My knight and shining Armour. someone strong and who can save me. He intimidates me but someone he loves me. whom I could serve breakfast in bed with my own cooking freshly picked from my own garden. bathe him in a fountain. massage him with mint and rose oils. I love him for simply just being there!
I cant bear the real world. there's hatred. I'm taken for granted. rejected. pain. i think I'm losing it. I dont want to go back to the real world... In my world, I'm safe. In my world, I'm free. In my world i feel alive.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Until this fugly (fat and ugly) bitch tried to rub his insecurity to me. He is my fellow supervisor. He claims to be closeted and let me quote max "he's the closeted type but he's leaking fairies and rainbows and pixie dust" (thanks for the description max). H claims to be straight. Let me stress this out, pink rubber shoes and blue contact lenses? good! that's my point!
A leader takes responsibility of his own team. Get your squatted and pimply nose out of my team or simply get you fugly face out of my way! Cause no matter how expensive the cream you will put on your face, may it be Lancome or Clinique you will always be fugly! Perhaps miracle whip can make miracle!
Don't blame me if your agents hate you because you are strict with all the rules that you imposed! I trust my agents and if they fail then I will take the responsibility! I love my people and they love me back. Unlike you, who demands respect from them. Memos like insubordination are for insecure supervisor who cannot control his team! I am not insecure as you are, so don't rub it in! The last thing I need from you is your negative energy!
My people are not stupid and so as your agents. 2-hours post shift huddle is for stupid people who cannot understand easily or you who cannot explain things in a simple way!
Mind your own business how I run my people. First, you are not my manager and you didn't hire me! Second, I have a life and you don't. Third, because you're fugly.
In spite of it all, I thank you. I ended my day with a lesson. You helped me realized that I'm not a loser! you are worse then "the pus that infects the mucus that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond scum."
there, i feel better now!
Monday, February 1, 2010
my best friend back in high school and I often joke about the age at 30. Its the death of a cheerleader. Its our death! Looking back, i realized how silly we were. Now, we are months away and it scares the hell out of me!
I have aged...
No more plays. its time to settle down. when whoring becomes boring. always a stranger. but how when I have not met the one I like, nor he has not found me. Or I have met someone yet ends up the wrong one. I have tried what the little prince said, bout what is essential is invisible to the naked eye. nada! alright you read me, I go for looks. rule#1
No more parties. tell me what's wrong with this picture, mid 40's guys in the dance floor with the early 20's. Let go of your crown! give it to the kids! i don't have to worry though cause i still look like 25... somehow I just feel that i don't fit. I should hit the coffee shop instead or start building a garden.. hahah! Seriously, I know its still months away but it seems, the time has arrived sooner than I expected.. All the loud music makes my tummy sick.. and am only up to a bottle of Redhorse or Gilbys Premium Strong. I can't even dance anymore.. my knees hurt.. i'm not kidding... well its been hurting since college... but i just ignored it... Rule#2. he must be finacially blessed. No students allowed, well, if you're a Zobel de ayala.. why not!? Seriously, tuition fees are parents obligation. i dont want to end up as a charity institution. keep off the party scene coz its a kid thing.. tea party and sunday brunches will do.
I am an engineer, at least I have the title my best friend didn't get his ATTY title. Instead he got the stepford fag award... we agreed before that at 30 we should be successful with our career! i'm happy with my job but not as an engineer though, naah I still have the title and am paying yearly taxes for it... my best friend is married and I'm not... that's his sucess story! rule#3 a marrying type. it has been known in the history of mankind bout men's loyalty to his partner... my partner should be head over heels in love with me. and that he love me more than I do!
naahh i better hit the sack.. i bet he's in my dreams wandering... anyways it still months away.. I'l be okay for now... getting ready for the death of a cheerleader! that's me!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Tomorrow is already Feb. It just turned 2010 right? another month is about to say goodbye in a few hours.
I`m not really excited about Feb, this too shall pass like any other months. In fact I`wanted to end it as soon as possible.
I`m more excited about March. Its my birthday month. I`d like the beach during summer.
Talking about summer, I have barely 2 months to lose weight. Now I have aged it seems too difficult to lose weight. I`m gaining and gaining and gaining.
Eating has been a stress reliever for me these days. I know its not good but its the only way I know to get energy. I don't have the time to go to the gym with all the things that needs to be finished. i tried fruits and veggie yet at the end of my day I feel like collapsing.
so it hits me, what is the correlation between time management and losing weight. I need to get things in order as soon as possible. I`m not so healthy.
I`m not sure if I`m making sense...
Wednesday, January 13, 2010