Sunday, April 11, 2010

The Droplet part II: The Result

i woke up early yesterday. it should be a good day. it was the day that my lab test results are in. ironically I didn't feel any tint of tense. the sun rose early that day. it woke me up as it warmly touched my face. it was 6:30.

i grabbed my robe. check myself in the mirror. will this face be damned and hide from the truth forever or will it be free like a bird and sings until everyone gets annoyed.

I headed to the kitchen as the aroma of the newly brewed coffee prepared by mama was inviting. That's what i needed for it would be a long day. I greeted my mama bonjour! "going to see your doctor today?", she asked. what she knew was I went to the doctor to have my kidney checked.

I would hurt my mama if I would turn positive. Not just her but my friends and my partner to be. I went back to my room. Open my window and lit a cigarette with a cup of coffee at one hand. Contemplating what life would bring.

8:00, i received a text message from a close friend, wishing me well and he hope it would turn out just well. I was supposed to go island hopping with them but I canceled the last minute. I thanked him for he has been supportive.

this day would mark a new life for me. I took a hot shower at 10:00, still I didn't feel any worry. My place is just 30 minutes from the hospital, I said I still had enough time. I checked facebook, read my e-mail. It said that "Expect today to be a dramatic one". oh no... but the last part said lucky color: yellow.

I'm not really superstitious but I needed all the positive vibes. May it be good or bad news, I would still be able to carry myself. so grabbed a yellow shirt in my closet and my yellow ocher loafer.

11:00 i was outside the hospital. the sun was almost above me. it didn't matter as I look up and felt its energy. I need the courage.

the nurse let me wait for some minutes. that's when i started to feel butterflies in my stomach. it twitched. I tried to get a gripped and hold my composure, my knees were trembling. they told me that if the result is positive that they need to do a confirmation test... so why did the nurse let me wait... is this another document that I need to sign... will she fetch another counselor? will she get another droplet of blood from me?

the nurse escorted me to a secure room. i started to feel cold. and handed me an envelope.


i asked the nurse what it meant, i lost my senses for a moment there.. or i just needed confirmation if I understood it right. Oh yes, I'm negative of HIV. My history of being irresponsible has been deleted tout de suite. it felt like I'm a new person and what happened before like those rough and dirty exhibition didn't matter anymore... Oh yeah I learned my lesson here. always learned it the hard way...

Friday, April 9, 2010

The Droplet

as this day is about to end. I run out of time. will I have a glimpse of the morning. will i still smell the newly mowed grass. darkness starts to fill the air... my hope is thinning. But I'm holding on to that faint hope... That tomorrow will be a new life for me.

I'm scared, every inch of me. I feel cold as if my own blood refuses to convey. would my heart stop pumping? would it know the time. I grasp for more air. would my lungs stop breathing? would it know the time?

one piece of paper unveils the truth. the truth that will change everything in an instant. at a wink of an eye. I will become a different person. at a split of a second, it will make me or break me.

looking back through the years. when all you can do is learn. when regret is too late and of no use. why is that word invented. those dark years when I lost my wings. those dark years when I lost my true north. those dark years when all i did was to love. i was ruin.

as I sit near my window, gazing at the sunset. will it be the most beautiful sunset? will it be the last? will it change my views? will i still admire the glow of the moon? would it still look beautiful? or will everything be all dark?

When you feel everything is OK. when you have stopped crying. when all wounds have healed. when you have learned to forgive. to forgive yourself and be kind to yourself. when you start to love yourself. when you start to pick up where you left. I know its never too late to start all over again...

when you are ready to move on. Somehow.. fate plays evil. like a calm water challenged by a strong wind. my past is haunting me... am I reaping what I sew?

I always learn the hard way. hit my head on the wall. this time it will only take one tiny drop of blood to realize. yet this droplet of blood will change the course of my life forever.

when we stumble and fall. they said there's only one way... may I humbly ask which way is up?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


the sun reigns again as I close my eyes...

darkness comforts me.

Yet, in the middle of my dreams and wishes,

this sun penetrates into my skin.

its ray blinds me.

you always tease me with your warm touch...

that's why I hate you...

coz you come and go!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

lady crazy song

Thanks lady gaga for singing the song. finally i found the theme song for this entry, The Awakening.

Lately I've been living in my past... is it because all I've been doing is just work and I never had the time for some other things. like something new that's why I dwell so much in the past? even my cigarette break.. either I'm thinking of an action plan for my team or I'm thinking of him... three years have past and I am wide awake and well aware that it not healthy... miss him much? not really.. more of the thought of being with someone? perhaps... afraid of getting older alone? more likely.. hahahah what am I thinking? blame the moon for it is at its whole... awooooh!

crap him... I should be thinking of someone else... something new... I'm tired of that past... I have learned from it. summer has just started.. what's the game plan? uhhhmmmm eye_spy, u there? uuhhhmmmm... oh no I have nothing in my list.... emergency! hahahah

well, this is a crazy post... bottom line is.. I love you lady gaga for this song! I was just speechless holding that glass of beer when he said, I dont love you.. on my birthday!