I'm wishing....

never teach your children with fairy tales. Either they will be trap within their dreams or they end up miserable trying to reach their dreams. Life is a jungle. its a wilderness. you'll never know when you get hurt. that's real life... work hard to survive. not wait until a magical fairy appears and makes your dream come true... it's not the happily ever after in every end of a fairy tale book. no one has escape from it alive.

what if Aurora's prince did not arrive. She would still be in coma right now. Ariel would have been in a freak show together with Beast or with the seven dwarfs or end up like a can of tuna. Cinderella didn't need a prince charming to rescue her from misery... she can always stood up and slap those evil bitches sisters.

I mean lets get real, as adults we know life is not a magical world.. unless you won the lottery but then you'll die the next day... you were shot or a family member kills you because he wants the money... thanks Alanis.. that's ironic indeed...

life is difficult. especially if you end up waiting for nothing. and why am I ranting about this... because like Rapunzel... my parents locked me in a tower guarded with beasts... its a nice view up here... but when you are alone and no one to share it with... its as boring as gray.

I myself has been trap in the illusion that someday... someone magical will appear and changes everything... someday my hair will grow... or a magic carpet appears through my window. or a magical pumpkin turn into a coach to help me with my escape.

i have wished on all falling star... tossed coins to all wishing wells... I couldn't just kiss all toads to be the handsome prince.... or rub that lamp for my three wishes. Shrek is lucky.. he's ugly.. he stinks... he is green and he takes mud bath... but he is not scared to fall in love... again... Thumbelina was rewarded with wings at the end.
........................................
sigh. this is me just getting old. i've been naughty and was taken out of santa's list. I love fairy tales.. it teaches hope... and it teaches love... life is magical. I pity those people who are bitter with their lives... But I know where its coming from... a bad childhood. Can't blame them.

So moral of the story is?

I think I'm sick

I'm sooo obsessed with my weight... I'm jealous with my friends who are naturally thin. They can eat what they want and not gain a pound.

I used to be 110lbs.. it soar to 130 when I went to college and disgusting 160lbs when I started working... I'm not that tall... being over weight would make me look like a giant ball! what an irony!

ive tried, less and complex carbo diet, fruit and veg diet, after six, no fried diet, the famous 3 day diet and pills.. I would end up craving for french fries... ice cream and cheese cake...

Metabolism slowers with age... dont ask how old I am... when I hit the scale at 160 again... I went to panic. So I decided to enroll at Slimmers... I get my daily shot of Vitamin A, those eye-candy boys! hahahah according to our pharmacist, no one can be overdozed with Vitamins.

Now I am at 140lb. My trainer and my friends still think am fat even when I'm barely eating. and I can still see those flabs in my ass and in my arms.

I have a distorted image of myself everytime I look at the mirror... those belly that hangs in front of me... really disgusting. those legs can be a good krispy pata!

when can I wear white shirts? stripes polo shirt? until when will I hide with black?

I need to push more... well, What does not kill you, makes you stronger right...

so I'l hold unto that thought until i get myself fixed!

2:30 AM

it was semi-dark. the only light that lit my room was from the lamp post through my french window. I laid in my bed staring blankly at my ceiling. my sight found its way through the faint ray. I was dreaming. it was all silent except for the ticking of my clock. My heart pounded with clock's rhythm. then one deep breath. I had not felt that way in a long time now. The AC was in full blast but I was sweating. my grip was tight. it left a wrinkle in my bed sheet. my legs were stretched until it felt numb and i couldn't move them. it tore my skin as it tried to escape from within. that feeling made me wanna scream... but no voice came out. that burning sensation made me bit my lips.

Wow... I have not have sex for the longest time that now it made me dreamed about it.