Angel sent

Have you have this feeling that you are being watched? Or

Somehow, someone taps your thoughts. And

Reads your mind... Scary.

I guess its from too much watching TV...

I secretly am watching CHARMED in my room...

What can I say, Chris H. (Drew Fuller) from season 6 is really a cutee...

Anyhow...


Whenever I'm in pensive mood..

with my cup of coffee and a cigarette...

about the future... failures... love... just about anything

what needs to be done.... what's not to do...

whenever I'm on that moment...


What's weird is...

The next thing I know... I'm reading about it...

A stranger writes about it... Letting me know I'm not the only one experiencing it...

Feels like the message is address directly to me...

someone assures that whatever hell I'm going through right now... I can handle it... and that I'l be fine...

whenever I have a question... someone answers it...

I receive surprise calls from friends... distant friends...

I'm grateful... really I am... but

how'd they know...

angel sent?

Letter to my mom

Dear Mom,


Thank you for the good food. However, please dont feed me camote during working days. It is very inconvenient! This is my fourth visit to the John's.


Sincerely,

R

PS

I love camote paired with butter.. hehehe

Random Thoughts

1. I can't decide what to buy among PSP, digital cam or an Ipod. Love to have the three...

2. Lingering the moment when I finally learned how to skim board. That was last weekend and I had fun.

3. I love my best friend; he bought me my Starbucks' clear venti-size Frappuccino tumbler, the one with a straw. Somehow they always run out of it.

4. My masseur made me laugh out loud during the massage and somehow it relieved the stress. Bet it was emotional stress than muscle pain.

5. It's just another manic Monday... NOT! I feel fine that is unusual for first day of work.

A Cup in Hand - Lets Talk

A cup of coffee starts my day.
I always take time like about 2 hours before my shift to stay at Bo's for my hot coffee mocha.
I love Starbucks really but we don't have Starbucks in our building, sad to say.
Light a couple of sticks of cigarette.
Somehow warms up my day or should I say night since am on a night shift.
Life of a typical call center agent.

Over time I have met people from different accounts.
They have the same routine as mine.
Eventually we became friends.
We love to talk about anything but work.
Aside from the fact about non-disclosure agreement, it just pukes us to talk about work.

Except for this one. She asked me why I'm leaving.
I told her it is about a lot of things.
One of them is the promotion that I had been working so hard yet I did not ace it.
I told her about how I feel and all... that I'm better than some other applicants who got the position.
Call it bitterness I don’t care anymore... Life has to go on for me and my mind is fixed about going to Manila anyway.

Here's the irony.

She got promoted. Different position from what I applied for.
It bothers her how other applicants think of her. I mean, questions about why she got the position.
These people think they are better than her and all the bitterness.. just like what I did (I think)
Seriously, why is she telling me this? when I feel the same way. Although not towards her. (remember we did not apply for the same position)
She asked for comfort and what I think about it... ( I guess that's what friends are for)

Damn she is really affected. So here's my cents about it ( I should know better I was on their shoe right)

1. When I said I'm better than some other applicants who got the job, I did not tell them on their faces that I'm better than them! Of course not. Although I have proofs that I'm way better! hahaha (can you smell bitterness) I maybe mean but that is not how I crush people hearts. It’s not cool. I sleep with their boyfriends that’s how! Hahaha. See, I can laugh about it now...

2. Told her that these people are not mad at her... They are mad at themselves and on the situation. One time she mentioned that her enemies are growing. I told her not to consider them her enemies, she'll be working with them... and that some of them might be under her. It will pass.

3. She said it's difficult to handle them. Yes indeed because they are as experienced as her. Told her to recognize their strengths more. But also make a room for improvement. No one is perfect!

4. Work with them and not against them. Although, not to the point she'll kiss their ass!. Told her "Girl, you have to remember always that you are now ahead of them." but keep your feet on the ground.

5. There are agents that have attitudes.. I guess like me... Delegate tasks but not responsibility!

6. Told her it’s not their time yet. I believe in perfect timing. But my time in this company is up!. Life is a continuous learning process. Once you’re stuck in your comfort zone, learning stops as well! (I got that from my manager)

7. Read Maxwell’s books.. they are available in Fully Booked. They only cost about $500

8. There is always a good way to say bad things. Before doing PEP sessions, prepare your words. Some agent are sensitive. Don’t start a sentence with a NO! ( I can be good sometimes.. hahah)

9. I believe in Fish philosophy!

10. Enjoy the promotion! She deserves it I told her!


there... Hope you learn something... I realized that I'm good... and if this company can't see that... I'm hoping that there's one out there who can!

By the way, S, thank you for the cup of coffee and congratulations. I'm happy for you.... Seriously!

Bar Fights

I find bar fights amusing. I know.. I know, I'm weird and all. It highlights the party. I have a fair share of experiences... not that I started them. Most of the time I am cool headed even under the influence of alcohol.

Its fun to look at people loses their minds. Intoxicated by too much alcohol. It's a good entertainment seeing those fools. Wrestle in the dance floor. fist fights. Shout on top of their lungs and exchange mean words. Making the F-you and F-you back signs with matching wacky faces.

Thank gawd none of them end up dead though... I'm not interested to witness blood scattered all over the floor...with a broken forehead. Nor a knife struck on someone's beer belly. I would faint on the smell of a blood. Rustic.

Some scenes are like couples fighting. It's an average show and it's embarrassing. Others are like long time enemies and they’ve seen each other in the bar. There's this girlfriend snatching scene; note: guys blame your girlfriends because they are flirt. Men only take baits made by your tease girlfriends. What's scary is gang fights... especially that one that involves guns...

Most of the time the reasons were shallow. Guys got mad for brushing shoulders. first of all you are in a crowded bar. so what's the fuss?! Some guys have seen their girlfriend dancing with another guy. for all you know, the guy was an old friend. A glass of beer was accidentally poured on your face. take off your shirt, wipe your face and everyone will praise your gorgeous body. isn't that cool?

There's one on one or two on one. What's pitiful is a gang on one.

I just laugh at my own experiences. I'm cool and mostly sane. Good thing nothing major happened.. just a few stitches.. kidding. okay, there were slight cuts. One time I went to Baguio for the Panagbenga. Three empty bottles of San Mig light landed on my feet... as to who threw them.. I have no clue. When the first two bottles were thrown, I ignored them. When the third bottle happened, I left the place and went back to my hotel. see I'm not hot tempered. I went home the following day.

One time I went to Halo bar, which has just re-opened. I ended up in Waterfront not the hotel but Waterfront Police Station... hahaha.. it was really humiliating inside that police car. Nothing really happened to me, my friend got all the bruises.

at a different bar, there were about seven guys ganged on me. I got scared naturally.. they kept pushing me (I can still remember the music that was playing, it was Push the Button) until I got cornered. I hate friends that time because they just left.. The guys were hip-hop type with the baggy pants and all the bling-bling. they really look stupid! and trying hard to sound Californian with their local accent... trying to be cool... they looked like chiwawa barking at me... I mean they were ugly and short dressed in oversized clothing.. They left me when they realized I would not fight back and told them they got the wrong person.

Thank gawd I still have complete set of ribs. The only injuries I got from clubs were cigarette burns.. ice cube flying on the air... someone bit me (the hell I don’t know why).. arm bruises.. you know when bar gets crowded people just grab you... and I trip from the ledge, oh yes! i was younger back then and very drunk when it happened.

Running

I was a good runner. When I was a kid I won first place for the 100 meter dash in our school. Boy, I was fast as Flash. Although, I was really a fan of Spiderman. I kind of forgot my speed, you know, in m/s.

Recently, the head of our Frisbee team invited me to join them. One time he saw how fast I run during one of our team buildings. I remembered we were playing "Japanese games" that night, I was intoxicated but I beat their asses. They were surprised because I'm not that athletic. I don’t have a body of a god, besides I smoke. It was a wonder where I got my endurance.

I even bought a running shoe from Nike. It cost me a fortune but its okay I love shoes. Anyhow, not that I use it for the same old drill. It is just my treadmill shoe.

Anyhow this post is not about how fast I run but how good I am at running.

One time when I was a kid I was told not to play with the match box. I was so fixated with the flame you know how it glows and all. I was playing with fire and I mean that literally. I threw a lighted stick to a can filled with paper. It burst into flame which was beyond my control. Scared as a cat I took off thinking my mom wouldn't find me. I hate belts that time, you know what I mean. According to my sister she put it off. Thank god our house was not on fire. But I was not able to escape the beating. haha

Two years ago when my relationship finally ended, I remembered I walked out from the bar. I was about to burst. I run away the farthest my car could take me. The following weekend I bought a ticket to Bohol. I just couldn't stay in Cebu. I also went to Dumaguete the week after all by myself. I took a bus down south. I was happier being alone than to party in Cebu City and was reminded of all the places my ex and I went. It didn't stop there I took another bus going to north this time. The goal was not to stay in the city so I kept running.

Somehow running eases tension in my mind. It helps me to be calm so that eventually I can think. When something is bothering me I just grab my running shoes and hit the slope. (I'm from the hills, haha) It releases negative energy. While I’m running, I feel free.

Dear Bestie,

Sorry if I have to leave you. I will miss you too. I know that running from my problems is not a solution. I would like to let you know that I'm not running away this time. I know I'm crazy and unpredictable. I'm done holding on and it’s beyond fixing already. So I'm letting go. Anyhow, it’s never too late to start over. Take care of your boyfriend. I will take care of my life.

PS
I'm not giving you my running shoe. haha

Still Stiving to be Good

It’s getting darker. The sky is covered with dark clouds. I can barely see the stars. The moon was up. Half. Partly covered with clouds.

The only light is from the lamp post. It is yellow. Faint.
The streets are empty. not a single vehicle.
I can only count the people that pass by. Strangers. walking fast.

The silence is becoming deafening. I can only hear my breathing.
I puff the last of my cigarette. Even its glow is dying.


I start to walk. In the middle street. the place is deserted.
no chance of being crashed by a speeding car.

Then I halt... to see the stop light. turn from green to yellow then to red..
green. yellow. red... it changes color at the beating of my heart..

Which road to take? I check my back to see my wings. It has not grown back..
wish I can hover to see what's ahead.

This labyrinth is killing me. Depressing. Black. But I run out of tears to cry already.

... when will this sadness be gone...

cost cutting - my jeepney experience

I decided to take a jeepney today... One of my crazy cost cutting measures just to save money for my Big Plan.

So I woke up early so that I wouldn't be late for work. I could get lost you know. As if! haha My clock said 3:00AM. It was too early for a 6:00AM shift. Normally, it would only take about 30 minutes.

Riding jeepneys at this hour could be scarier. The streets were still empty. I mean there a few people roaming around, strangers some where my neighbors. As I walked my way to the main street, I realized today is a holiday. Not that I don’t have a work... cause I follow US holidays. Number of jeepneys is lesser than normal which is already less for this hour. Does that make sense?

Just as I arrived at the waiting shed, the first jeepney just took off. Just my luck! Ok fine, I had to wait for the next one, which came 10 minutes after. While waiting, cabs were very tempting. No... Its a jeepney day today I said to myself.

The jeepney was over loaded. As in, it was full packed. So, I squeezed myself in. What I hate about riding jeepneys early in the morning is the stinking breath of the passengers. Gawd! While you are so dressed up for work, some people just don’t brush their teeth nor take a quick shower. I swear I could smell their stinking bed. (Yeah that was I being mean! hahaha)

In all fairness to these early birds, they are hard working. I mean waking up early to go to Carbon market or Pasil (Fish Market) for the day’s income and all. So I just shut up. I didn’t want them to notice me as someone maarte so I acted as calm as possible. Then, I realized I took the wrong jeepney. Nice luck to start the day!

So I alighted. I waited for 15 minutes. No jeepney. I started to lose my patience. My mind was battling to take a cab. Cabs were really inviting... No cab for today I continuously said to myself... It is a jeepney day!

I decided to take a different route. So I walked 2 blocks from Colon to San Carlos. I felt sweat started to stream at my back already. I hate jeepneys. I really do. Then, I had to wait again.

Another 10 minutes passed. I was about to give up and decided to take the next cab that will pass by when a jeepney arrived. It was full. Worried that I will be late for work, I got in. No seats. Not even an extension seat. Not to make fuzz out of it or be sissy for that matter, I decided to cling like a monkey with all the wind and dust in the world... worse than blow drier..

Hey, I almost forgot... in the eyes of those people, I’m straight. So I acted like one. I faked it but seriously, I was damned scared that I would fall... haha! But I have done it before though... back in college.. a lot of times.. for the heck of it... hahaha

I loosen my grip... I would not want the guy beside me to take a hint... I'm no sissy! haha
Good thing none of them were cute... or l would be distracted. Another good thing, straight guys don’t have radar! They are clueless. Damn clueless. Haha!

As I waited for the next jeepney to my last stop, it started to drizzle. Good grief! The last thing I wanted happen is to go to work soaking wet!

When I arrived, I thought I deserve a warm cup of coffee! Then the rain poured heavily! Too bad we don’t have Starbucks in our building. And Bo’s coffee was closed for the holiday. Mc Donald’s will do... Sorry guys I’m not ready to cost cut my coffee yet! Hahahaha

More cost cutting tips coming....

so called Barkada...

I have been with several group friends. I think its just part of growing up. But like most bands,
even the most popular ones are disbanded even at the height of their career say for example Spice Girls and N’sync. (note: this is just an example, I’m not into bands)

Back in high school, I was lucky to be part of the popular group. Well, I don’t really need luck because I’m born to stand out anyway (proven and tested… although, lately I kind of shun the limelight). I said lucky because I was a transferee. I guess it is but a normal to feel scared to be part of a new pride.

The Click. It was a mix group gifted with beauty and brains. Most kids thought I was a snob. Okay, okay, okay… I’m maybe because I chose friends. So I let them.

I was a math wizard. My brothers and sisters are all engineers that explain why. But not the geeky type though, you know the type that is slim, with lousy over sized shirt with bushy uncombed hair and to match everything, who wears thick glasses? Definitely, not me! I was a classic dresser not the flashy type, nor the trendy one. I was simple with a good posture.

They say if you can’t beat them, join them, right? They sensed that I was cool and they couldn’t seem to beat me. So they invited me to one of their Saturday meet ups. Instantly we clicked! See, I didn’t have to work my way in really hard like those loser neophytes who beat their ass to be included.

Then, we were known as ruthless. I guess, by ignoring those dirty rats made us ruthless already! We didn’t intentionally hurt schoolmates like those in over-rated high school drama movies; I think they were just innately stupid.

Fast forward >>> we graduated… parted ways…

We are still good friends… we meet once a month for a good dinner… we have a doctor, a lawyer, an accountant and I became an engineer!

Then I started with this call center industry that am currently working, I've been with lot of groups but then again got disbanded… People just leave… Friends come and go… There was this Breakfast Club. Most of them left to Singapore.

There was also the famous KRIMINALS. Some people feared us. Some called us untouchables… The hell I don’t know…I mean the deal with people with inferiority complex... I guess because of our strong personalities. We just bonded really although no outsiders allowed. However, eventually, we parted.

My latest coven… the so-called DIVAS

Over time, our friendship has been tested. Oh yes we had cat fights, backstabbing and claws scratching. We may have different personalities and views in life but we clicked. We are bonded as hard as glue. And with all the turmoil we remain friends.

Four gorgeous Divas, who can walk the walk and I mean that literally. Watched us walk that runway, shoulder to shoulder, like goddesses we glide. Time will stop to watch us. Okay I’m exaggerating. We are not really the seductresses from hell who can lure all the guys in the bar or that plastic group cliché from high school. But when we are together:

“We party like a rock star, look like movie stars, play like all-star, fuck like porn stars, oh baby, we are your Superstars”

We are Ms Bitch, Ms Promiscuous, Ms Pretentious and yours truly Ms Mean.

Mean? How did I become Mean? I’m not mean… Okay sometimes…

---
PS1

I lost my chain of thoughts... Part 2 ko na lang... I'm tired...

PS2...

Sounds too gay... oh well the art of creative writing...

PS3

May art ba talaga? also hindi rin cya creative... let me think

PS4

I am MEAN! bwahahahha

I dont like to hear when people say "good luck" to me.... Not that I don't need it... coz I really, really and badly need it...

It just scares the hell out of me to hear that... it sounded like a warning of something bad will happen.. I know I'm twisted and I have my own interpretation of that phrase... really.. it just sounds scary...


To be in a strange land where I dont know a soul... to be out of my comfort zone... to be far from family and friends...

to move out from my room... I love my room... its big and warm and cozy... I can stay in my room doing nothing in one whole day...

no one will cook for me... I think that's why we invented instant noodles...

no more mama who will wash my clothes for me... I guess that's why laudry shop business is booming..

no more car... I will surely miss it... I'm poor in navigation anyway... I'l end up lost.. get caught... and what's that? is it number coding

there's a lot of things to give up... just for one thing...


Oh yeah... why dont I have a relative in Manila... that's wonder!

I think I'm the only one who has the interest to actually live there...

I said to myself before, I could never imagine living outside Cebu...

But I have never been so sure! I would fly in a heartbeat...

I've been out of the country... however I was there for vacation only though..

Singapore for instance...

but not really live there... just for a few days...



I even asked my brother if he has friends in Manila where I can stay for a while until I find my own flat.. NADA..

How disappointing... But I'm not giving up... I can find someone... There must be someone... an old friend... a classmate... an old office mate...

I have even asked my in laws if they know someone... sad to say most of them are far from Makati..

For a starter.. I need to live near my work place...


that's the plan...

near my work place? which reminds me I have not applied to any possible companies yet? bummer! heheh

In nearly 60 days I will be submitting my quit letter! let's see



Anyhow... I have told a few of my friends that I'm quitting my job.

My mom even gave her my blessings... after all a long period of persuasion...

I think she finally felt it... like almost everyday now... I just don't want to go to work...

I dont have the energy... I dont have the attitude... I have lost my drive... my stat is way, way down

I love my job... yes that is true... seriously!

I never thought I'd come to this stage...you know that feeling... when you wake you just dont feel like going to work...

But yes... its happening now.. how strange...


wow... how many stories have I posted about this already...

Just really excited...

actually, the reason why I posted this because I rather want to hear some other phrases like "take care", "you will be missed", "keep in touch" and all

Honestly...I'm really scared to go... but I want to go anyway... and To hear "good luck" really adds to the anxiety... twisted I know

haunting memory

It took me a week to finish this... first, the interenet in the office sucks... I think management found out about our access and ban my page.. bohoo! Secondly, my connection at home has been cut so I end up doing this in a cafe.... For a Saturday night am at a cafe!?... beat that! what a bore... Lastly.. I'm making sure I will not be misinterepreted... The hell anyway...

---
I was doing random reading with some posts and I got stunned with this line. It was a comment on one of Max's posts; The Horny Bum.

"....but he just wants to see what he wants to see in max or what he thinks is an ideal picture of him."

I just froze.

Then at a flash...

It hit me..

It was more of an alarm...

Ever since my heart shattered into pieces two years ago..

I kinda have attached a warning device to my heart to protect it...

It sends signals and freezes all my body parts except for my brain...

So that I can think before my heart do the thinking...

To be more cautious of some unforeseen events...

I have learned my lesson... and damned... it was the hard way..



So Here I go again.

On the verge of committing the same mistake.

I'm just not ready to take that plunge... not this way though

But before I fall into a trap... a trap that I myself created...

let me back off.. before its too late...



I have read Max every single post..

It facinates me...

Max's page is somewhat enticing, I guess that's the word.

Upon reading each post... I made a picture of Max.

Based from what I have read. on who he is... what kind of guy he is...



this starts to sound cheesy.. but its not really about Max... promise.. so read along.. (peace Max)



Man, do not under estimate my imagination... I'm creative and wild... THEY clipped my wings, remember?!

Again, I have made this character of Max. A good guy (I'm not saying he is not good in person)

But to cut it short.. This guy is my ideal guy... I dont know where that came from..

I only know him from the posts that he wrote, but somehow it feels like I have known him much...

Fair. Lean. tall. neat. someone who just melts you heart... minty fresh breath..

and I like this guy. I think I'm attracted to him...



Then, suddenly after reading that line above...I just know I need to change gear to nuetral...

before it will bring me somewhere...

I'm not going back to that hell... never...

So, I made a hault before jumping into the unknown... think... think.. think...

Then I realized... the guy that has been playing in my mind...

The guy that I'm attracted to... The guy that I created... my ideal guy...

it was a picture of my ex...



The story "The Trip" that was written by Max... that inspired me to write again... It was a lovely story...

I've been thinking about that story... Re-read it a lot of times... over and over...

I'm somehow attached to it... it felt like I'm part of the story... there was a connection...

I thought it was Max... I thought I was becoming attracted to him... the thought of him...

the illusion that I made out of him...I stopped time...to ponder... to find out what's going on...

it can't be... he is too perfect... I made him perfect... no he is just an online buddy...



Like a light bulb appeared on my head... nahh.. more of touched by a white lighter..

I realized its bout my my ex... It was me and my ex on that bus...

good memories... afterall the story was about Max's ex

But why?! I'm way over him... it was two years ago... I swear I'm done with him...

I've started dating again... I know its corny as a corn field...

Is his memory haunting me? Is he not done tormenting me?

It's unfair.. He said his goodbye... I have said my goodbye too...

----

So what's really my point of posting this? I'm too drunk to think...

But I guess.. It's part of the reason why i'm leaving...

When you are already far.. I think you'll forget everything...

I will be busy thinking on how to survive in a strange land... I guess...

This has to stop becasue it's ruining everything...

What better way to start a good life is to leave everything... Starts from the scratch..

Damned it... I dont want to leave... but I have to...