haunting memory

It took me a week to finish this... first, the interenet in the office sucks... I think management found out about our access and ban my page.. bohoo! Secondly, my connection at home has been cut so I end up doing this in a cafe.... For a Saturday night am at a cafe!?... beat that! what a bore... Lastly.. I'm making sure I will not be misinterepreted... The hell anyway...

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I was doing random reading with some posts and I got stunned with this line. It was a comment on one of Max's posts; The Horny Bum.

"....but he just wants to see what he wants to see in max or what he thinks is an ideal picture of him."

I just froze.

Then at a flash...

It hit me..

It was more of an alarm...

Ever since my heart shattered into pieces two years ago..

I kinda have attached a warning device to my heart to protect it...

It sends signals and freezes all my body parts except for my brain...

So that I can think before my heart do the thinking...

To be more cautious of some unforeseen events...

I have learned my lesson... and damned... it was the hard way..



So Here I go again.

On the verge of committing the same mistake.

I'm just not ready to take that plunge... not this way though

But before I fall into a trap... a trap that I myself created...

let me back off.. before its too late...



I have read Max every single post..

It facinates me...

Max's page is somewhat enticing, I guess that's the word.

Upon reading each post... I made a picture of Max.

Based from what I have read. on who he is... what kind of guy he is...



this starts to sound cheesy.. but its not really about Max... promise.. so read along.. (peace Max)



Man, do not under estimate my imagination... I'm creative and wild... THEY clipped my wings, remember?!

Again, I have made this character of Max. A good guy (I'm not saying he is not good in person)

But to cut it short.. This guy is my ideal guy... I dont know where that came from..

I only know him from the posts that he wrote, but somehow it feels like I have known him much...

Fair. Lean. tall. neat. someone who just melts you heart... minty fresh breath..

and I like this guy. I think I'm attracted to him...



Then, suddenly after reading that line above...I just know I need to change gear to nuetral...

before it will bring me somewhere...

I'm not going back to that hell... never...

So, I made a hault before jumping into the unknown... think... think.. think...

Then I realized... the guy that has been playing in my mind...

The guy that I'm attracted to... The guy that I created... my ideal guy...

it was a picture of my ex...



The story "The Trip" that was written by Max... that inspired me to write again... It was a lovely story...

I've been thinking about that story... Re-read it a lot of times... over and over...

I'm somehow attached to it... it felt like I'm part of the story... there was a connection...

I thought it was Max... I thought I was becoming attracted to him... the thought of him...

the illusion that I made out of him...I stopped time...to ponder... to find out what's going on...

it can't be... he is too perfect... I made him perfect... no he is just an online buddy...



Like a light bulb appeared on my head... nahh.. more of touched by a white lighter..

I realized its bout my my ex... It was me and my ex on that bus...

good memories... afterall the story was about Max's ex

But why?! I'm way over him... it was two years ago... I swear I'm done with him...

I've started dating again... I know its corny as a corn field...

Is his memory haunting me? Is he not done tormenting me?

It's unfair.. He said his goodbye... I have said my goodbye too...

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So what's really my point of posting this? I'm too drunk to think...

But I guess.. It's part of the reason why i'm leaving...

When you are already far.. I think you'll forget everything...

I will be busy thinking on how to survive in a strange land... I guess...

This has to stop becasue it's ruining everything...

What better way to start a good life is to leave everything... Starts from the scratch..

Damned it... I dont want to leave... but I have to...